back again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
back again
3
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 3:42pm
hi

just wanted to vent a bit. i've posted a couple of times, and it has helped me to come to terms with what has been happening at home for past 5 years. just to recap, i've very recently left my partner. it's suddenly struck me how horrific this experience has been. how scared i am of him, how isolated i've become. i was suffering from really bad panic attacks for six months after he attacked me last time, and all the time, i wondered what the problem was. i thought i was going mad. and now he's asking me to give him a chance to prove himself to me. he's arranging counselling to sort out his problem. he acknowledges it's all his fault. that i'm not to blame - which is a bit of a turn around as i've been to blame for everything that has gone wrong in our relationship up until now. i'd like to believe him. but i've been doing some research, and it seems that they all say that. it's typical. to be expected. and i guess that if you were a guy perpertrating all this violence and abuse, you'd want to believe that to be the truth. how else could you live yourself?

but it's probably not going to happen. he won't even tell his parents why we've split up. and anyway, why should i care? why should it make any difference to me? he's done nothing but abuse me, hurt me, manipulate me right from the very beginning of our relationship. oh why did i put up with it? he took what could so easily have been a good thing, and made it dirty. he lied to me. tried to turn me against all the other people in my life. told me i was mad and over emotional. drove me to a nervous breakdown. abused my daughter. and now when he brings back me son, he looks at me with those eyes that scare me so much and tells me he's sorry. i don't know what he's capable of, but i do know that i just can't take that risk. that i have to leave. i have no choice. i feel stuck in the role of the victim unsure of how to get through today and tomorrow. i don't believe that i've ever cried so much in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: humangoal
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:01pm

Hi honey -


What you are going through is completely normal.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: humangoal
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:15pm
Human,

Love the name. Blue is right, as always. What you are going through is perfectly normal. You need to feel what is in your gut and your gut is telling you to leave. It will be hard at first because you focus only on them, but slowly it will get better. Don't worry about others, just yourself..I know that is a hard thing but it is a huge step. You can do it.

I'm rooting for you!

Tery

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: humangoal
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:37pm
One day at a time is the best you can do and sometimes just one minute at a time is the best you can do. Crying is typical I cried for months. Wanting to crawl under the blankets and hide is okay too. Just get up and go through the motions but keep going. I heard all the stories and he got councling and I too was just not willing to do it again. I told my ex I would believe he had changed when he had a good relationship with someone else but never again with me not ever. BTDT and would not go back for any reason. Hard as it is the days will turn into months and months to years and with alot of inner work you will be you again and not the victim and you left what a wonderful thing. HUGE step to getting your life back but the emotions you take with you can be hard and all the things you have to do is hard and the dealing with him because you have a child can be hard but not impossible. HUGS and Prayers to you and post. I posted and posted and posted to this board when I left and it gave me an outlet for all the emtions and it when I felt like I just couldn't handle anything more gave me strength. The power of the board and wonderful people on it have stayed with me and will be with me forever. Many more HUGS and Prayers to you dear and your kids>Jo