Dharma do you have a plan?
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Dharma do you have a plan?
| Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:52pm |
Hi Dharma,
Good luck tomorrow w/ filing. Have you made your plan yet for if/how to tell your STBX? It will make going through with the whole thing a little less scary (still scary no matter what) if you know what you'll do after you leave that lawyers office. I'll be praying for you that you have strength and courage and that things go smoothly.
Good luck tomorrow w/ filing. Have you made your plan yet for if/how to tell your STBX? It will make going through with the whole thing a little less scary (still scary no matter what) if you know what you'll do after you leave that lawyers office. I'll be praying for you that you have strength and courage and that things go smoothly.

Thanks for your inquiry! I'm so up and down and having such minute by minute battles with myself. Plan after I file? You mean, besides bawling my eyes out? No...I have no plan. My lawyer is in practice for himself....his legal assistant said it would take about a month to process the paperwork before he is served....give or take a week. I haven't told my girls yet...as I don't want them to "know" before my husband. I've been talking seriously to my h about my intent to file...so on one level he is "prepared" for it. All my close friends and some family know that tomorrow is the day and they have all said that they "have my back". All of them say I will be in for a battle. My sister fronted me the money for the retainer fee (a hefty $2500) until my IRA cash in comes in.
To make matters worse, my youngest dd's tubes surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. Today, my h took her again to the homeopathic dr. When he came home, he asked again to postpone it, so we don't "rush" into it. Mind you, our almost 4 year old has had 11 ear infections in the past 12 months....and risks permanent hearing loss. I said we haven't rushed into anything. He then switch to, what I refer to as the 'sad sack' routine (pouty, sad sounding) and said 3 three times "I'm begging you" (not to go through with this procedure). The WORST part, however, is that I feel like a horrible, horrible mother...and I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel that maybe if I was a better mother, I would want to stay at home and see her through this...but I just can't take him anymore.
This morning I just sobbed in the shower because I couldn't stop thinking that I took my vows before God...and I feel as if I'm walking away from this....after 15 years of hating this, 4 attempts at marriage counseling, 1 Retrouvaille weekend, and countless hours of talking with no resolution. And yet I don't hate him....but I don't love him either. I just want him out of my day to day life.
I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing, but its so hard to see that right now, with so many unknowns. I don't even have a job yet...but yet, if I stay, its not like he would be supportive of me working...so this FORCES me to work. For years he's been telling me that I'm selfish and self centered...and I think I've really begun to feel this way about myself. Gosh, I can't even tell if its selfish for me to want to work with 4 kids...but yet, I see so many other women doing it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he treated me half way decent...like a PERSON.
I'm such a mess about all this...and I'm grieving so heavily for the life I always wanted to have with him and the kids...but that just isn't in the cards. I've prayed and prayed for something to happen, for him to see how he has been (I've also prayed for him to just die...because then I could collect the insurance money....lol)
There are no winners here. God, how I wish this was all just an awful nightmare.
dharma
You are right that he will never change. You are right that it will get worse. You are right that he will not support you in working. Actually he won't support you period. Working, a hobby, your judgement where your dd is concerned. You will never get support from him. Not only will he not support you, he will put energy into sabotaging any effort on your part.
You are right that you took vows. *HE* broke the vows and voided the 'contract' between you. But, even when you no longer were obligated to keep up your end, you still did absolutely everything you could possibly think.(counseling, etc, etc.BTDT) There is absolutely nothing more that you could have tried or done that would have made any difference at all. He is wrong and he will not ever change. God gives us each our own lives. No one has the right to take our life and use it for their own personal gain or satisfaction(except maybe God but, He never would!) Dharma, you are right - this can't be saved and this is not the life that God intended you to live.
My ds9 was in hospital a couple weeks ago and that day I watched 3 children that had tubes done. I talked to one Mom, who's second dd had it done that day. She told me she was terrified before her first child was done, as I'm sure that both you and your h are. But, after it was over, she wished she'd done it far sooner. You are absolutely right to get your dd the surgery. I can not understand a father who does not want to take pain away from their child. I just do not understand how he can expect to justify this attitude. There is no justification. I think you see the real motive here. The motive is so he can guilt you into not living a life outside of being home, where he can control you. He's using his dd's correctable medical condition to attempt to control you. She is in pain and rather than do something to alleviate that pain, he's decided to use for his own gain. How sick is that?
YOU ARE RIGHT, Dharma! KEEP GOING and Keep looking up^!
I hope that you did go today. I am pulling for you lady. I totally understand how you are feeling and am praying that you have the strength to go through with at least seeing the lawyer. Please read the book Keeping the Faith by Marie Fortune...it will help you with your answers about God. And remember He Loves You....always. Huge hugs and prayers for you lady. Send me an email if you would like to chat about this.
hugs your friend,
Ree
I work and I'm a mother of three. It doesn't make you a bad person that you want to get out and have a career. He just wants you to be confined and to have control over you. You are so doing the right thing. I've read a lot of your post and I've been preying for you to build up the strenght to walk away. Don't you forget why you are leaving. You keep a strong head and think of your kids. You sound like a wonderful mom. My son had tubes a year ago. When I took him in for his exam he only had 30% of his hearing and we went back last week and he has already gotten back up to 90%. He is taking speech therapy now making up for all the time he couldn't hear. It bothers me to hear you questioning your actions as a mother. You and you only know what's best for your children and I'll assure you that any decision you make will be in their best interest. Just like the step you are taking right now. Leaving.... That's the best one I've heard yet. Stay strong and never forget that you can and should do this. For you and your children!!!
Melissa