why does it hurt so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
why does it hurt so much
7
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 2:52pm
Hi Ladies,

I hope everyone is well. I was just wondering if it is only me that feels so hurt now that we aren't completely talking. Some days are better than others but I feel like I miss him and it just hurts. Sometimes I think, will he be with someone else. Will he think that someone is better than me. I know it sounds sill, but I really feel that way. I wonder what he is doing and if he cares and it really stresses me out, I have a hard time sleeping. Despite my feelings I know he won't change. I tried to send something in the mail describing how women act after being abused, it is physcologically stressing and confusing. He took it as an attack, I just wanted him to know where I am coming from. I just feel even more hurt because his lack of remorse or compassion. Any advice. Thanks

Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:08pm
it hurts b/c you care. despite all this man has put you through you still care. feelings aren't something you can just turn off. i just hope you care enough about yourself to see this through. you deserve better then this. it'll pay off in the end. so what if he finds someone else. it'll be a matter of time before he is putting her through what he put you through. you made a good choice by leaving. time will heal the pain and the pay off will be so much sWeater in the end. good luck!!!

melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:11pm
Bella, honey, I know it hurts. It's going to hurt for a good while yet. But, don't let it get you down, and don't let it change your mind. "No contact" really is the best way to go from here. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no meeting with him -- and no sending each other anything in the mail, either. I know you had only the best intentions in sending him the article about abuse victims, but you've got to understand -- these guys don't see themselves as "abusers." So, that's why he saw it as an "attack" from you . . . because, in his mind, he's just not one of "those people," and you're putting him in a category and calling him an abuser. (Never mind that he *belongs* in that category, and he *is* an abuser! But, I digress . . .)

For example, my STBXH is seeing a counselor, who gave him a book about anger management and asked him to read it. He told me it wasn't a very long book, and he read it "because he told her he would." Well, after reading the book, he said it "made a few good points, but seemed like it was mostly written for people who are much worse" than he is. So, you see, he STILL doesn't acknowledge that he has a *serious* temper problem. This is the same guy who came damn close to killing me on several occasions. So, you see, they just don't understand one simple fact: THEY ARE ABUSERS AND THEY NEED HELP!!!

All of the books I've read reiterate that we just can't think of these guys as "normal people," because they're not. There's something seriously messed up in their heads, and it's not likely to EVER get un-messed up, no matter how much counseling they go through.

I know your first instinct is to try to help him; but, sweetie, you can't help him. Only *he* can help him, and he has to do it because *he* sincerely wants to change -- not just to make himself look good so you'll come back. The only reason your first instinct is to help him is because you've basically taken care of him for so long -- am I right? I know that's how my situation was. I was so used to taking care of him. Do you know, I even did his budget for him and wrote out the checks for his bills for two whole months after I left?!?! Yep, I was good and conditioned -- and so are you. Your job now is to try to break free from that conditioning, and the only way to do that successfully is through "no contact." That means absolutely none, whatsoever. If he needs to talk to you about bills or other "business" matters such as that, there's always e-mail.

Stay strong, and keep posting. You can do this!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:20pm

I remember around this time last year, things started going downhill with my abusive exbf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:45pm
Hi Bella, something that hardly gets talked about anywhere but on these boards is the feeling after losing the "intimate" part of our abusers. We have all been here, and I know it hurts like hell. The hurt will subside, and the longer you have no contact, the easier it truly gets for you Bella.

Keep in mind that the abuser is a master of stealing your power. The fact that he KNOWS you are grieving and missing him is filling him even more. Grieve for him, cry for him, miss him, if you let yourself it will pass faster.

Much love to you,

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:46pm
Hi Bella...it can very difficult to accept that some of these men, especially the one we see face to face, are not capable of those kinds of feelings towards others or towards women.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:15am
Hugs to you, Bella. As much as we all profess that we're doing the right thing in ending these marriages, heck, we should be allowed to admit that divorce and separation are a big thing! They are emotionally very difficult. Although these men had many, many bad points, they also had fine ones on occasion. Those good points are probably the reason we married them in the first place. But its not only about missing the H. I think there's so much upheaval and turmoil just from ending a marriage, but when there's been abuse involved, you're so emotionally damaged. Grieving is a very natural part of any loss and in this case you lost someone, even if it was for the better. You are permitted to grieve. Stuffing the sadness and moving boldly forward, however admirable, is sometimes not healthy. We have to recognize and deal with the feelings. The feelings don't need to make sense but need to address them. Feelings also don't mean we have to take action. Recognizing that you miss your H and dealing with that loss doesn't mean you have to call him or see him to make yourself feel better. It means you need to deal with the fact that you miss him. I guess in some cases the abuse is so bad we don't miss them at all when they're gone. The most difficult is when they weren't evil all the time and there's some good times to remember and mourn the loss of. My advice is to recognize those feelings of loss but not act on them. Many hugs to you!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:29am
I am going through the exact same thing and it seems so weird to me that I can feel releived to be away from him yet miss him all at the same time. I think we still need to grieve, as bad as the relationship was we will still hurt and still miss either the good times we had or what we THOUGHT we had. I miss the man I once knew and I miss not what we had but the image he projected and of course I just miss having someone. But I know I did the right thing and so did you. Whenever I have a moment I simply recall being screamed at, called names, watching my children cry and fear their father and that whips me right back into shape. IThink about asking someone to call you a B***** or asking them to take your money or shove you. We would not do that right? So why eventhinkof going back to them? It is not easy and your heart will ache but like anything, this to will pass and pretty soon you willbe able to say, "Hey, its really over and that spot in your heart will be healed".