why does it hurt so much
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| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 2:52pm |
I hope everyone is well. I was just wondering if it is only me that feels so hurt now that we aren't completely talking. Some days are better than others but I feel like I miss him and it just hurts. Sometimes I think, will he be with someone else. Will he think that someone is better than me. I know it sounds sill, but I really feel that way. I wonder what he is doing and if he cares and it really stresses me out, I have a hard time sleeping. Despite my feelings I know he won't change. I tried to send something in the mail describing how women act after being abused, it is physcologically stressing and confusing. He took it as an attack, I just wanted him to know where I am coming from. I just feel even more hurt because his lack of remorse or compassion. Any advice. Thanks
Bella

melissa
For example, my STBXH is seeing a counselor, who gave him a book about anger management and asked him to read it. He told me it wasn't a very long book, and he read it "because he told her he would." Well, after reading the book, he said it "made a few good points, but seemed like it was mostly written for people who are much worse" than he is. So, you see, he STILL doesn't acknowledge that he has a *serious* temper problem. This is the same guy who came damn close to killing me on several occasions. So, you see, they just don't understand one simple fact: THEY ARE ABUSERS AND THEY NEED HELP!!!
All of the books I've read reiterate that we just can't think of these guys as "normal people," because they're not. There's something seriously messed up in their heads, and it's not likely to EVER get un-messed up, no matter how much counseling they go through.
I know your first instinct is to try to help him; but, sweetie, you can't help him. Only *he* can help him, and he has to do it because *he* sincerely wants to change -- not just to make himself look good so you'll come back. The only reason your first instinct is to help him is because you've basically taken care of him for so long -- am I right? I know that's how my situation was. I was so used to taking care of him. Do you know, I even did his budget for him and wrote out the checks for his bills for two whole months after I left?!?! Yep, I was good and conditioned -- and so are you. Your job now is to try to break free from that conditioning, and the only way to do that successfully is through "no contact." That means absolutely none, whatsoever. If he needs to talk to you about bills or other "business" matters such as that, there's always e-mail.
Stay strong, and keep posting. You can do this!
Love & Hugs,
Emm
I remember around this time last year, things started going downhill with my abusive exbf.
Keep in mind that the abuser is a master of stealing your power. The fact that he KNOWS you are grieving and missing him is filling him even more. Grieve for him, cry for him, miss him, if you let yourself it will pass faster.
Much love to you,
Sarah
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou