Gack... I just typed up a long...
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| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:56pm |
DH is being an (*#$% again. He's been complaining about how I control what we eat and when we eat so I've started asking him what he wants, then when he doesn't respond, I don't make anything. He's actually cooked the last two nights because I didn't just make something. This morning I asked him what he wanted so I could shop on the way home... well, he didn't know and we'd figure something out from what we have. I suggested that he come up with a menu and I'll shop exclusively for what he wants to eat... so he said WE could come up with a menu tonight. I told him that since he's the one bitching... I'll have nothing to do with it. I feel like I should tell him that he can cook too... since then HE can control when we eat. Oh... he says that I'm the one who has control in our relationship.
I am sooooo angry I could scream!!!! Last week he told me that I couldn't care less about our son, so I slapped him in the face... I've never done that before and it was such a knee-jerk reaction. I think he's found my major weak spot, and he's been intimating that I'm not a good mother. When he's told me to pack my stuff and go I've told him that I'll collect our son, and leave... and his response is that I'll never get our son because he doesn't want him to grow up to be like me... and that I'm not a good influence.
I just feel so much anger towards H... and I've actually started crying again over the last couple of days. I haven't cried in a couple of years... I've been able to stay strong and not let H get to me... but I think now he's really playing dirty.
I can really see the end coming... but I'm really scared of it... I'm terrified of what he and his family will do... I don't trust any of them, and I believe they will get really nasty. I know h's sister is in the middle of divorce right now, and I have no idea why or how it's going. H won't talk about it to me, and any time we go to dinner with his family, his sister will whisper to her parents... I'm assuming so I don't hear anything. I really wonder how that's going... if she's taking her STBX to the cleaners... and how nasty they are getting. I wouldn't put it past them.
I pray all the time for God to show me the path I have to follow.
phoenix
By the way... congratulations to the new cl's... and Mindspeak and Mizlizzy... if you're reading this, I hope you and your families are well!

I have had no support from his family whatsoever. They hate me, which to me just proves that they are a bunch of idiots.
I am still in the "very bitter" stage. I have a lot of bent up anger in me right now...(been separated 16 months and going strong). By the way, I stopped going for dinners long before we separated, because I was played for a fool the entire time. The whole family was rude and abusive it seemed. You are getting stronger each and every day, and your faith will guide you as long as you trust in it, but mostly in yourself.
Much love,
Sarah
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
(From *losing the message you typed* to the situation you're dealing with right now.)
Sweetie, he IS "playing dirty", and he is majorly manipulating, trying to hang onto any and all power and control he can, using the "simplest" issues from "what's for dinner" to escalating to "major issues" as in, "you could care less about our son". This is ALL so classic, and my heart really goes out to you. It's crazy-making at it's finest! The more he keeps you off-balance, the more *secure* he feels, because he KNOWS you are literally *paralyzed* with fear by his *threats* and *comments* regarding your "parenting skills" and more. He KNOWS how much your son means to you, and this is a powerful *weapon* for him, in addition to everything else.
The way his family is acting regarding his sister's situation really doesn't surprise me either, especially with your history. Typically, *many* families in this type of situation are all *in it together* in some form or another, especially since abuse is a learned behavior (not minimizing the fact that it is a choice-but it does become a family dynamic, that is *normal* for them, regardless of the situation).
I read here as I can, and really wish I had the time to reply more....but, I was really surprised, and also glad to see you seeking help and support. ( I LOVE your new nic and the *meaning* behind it!!!) Please be careful posting, again, due to the history, and know I read as I can, whether I can reply or not (Working 7 days right now 12-18 hours most days, ack! But, it is a good thing in many ways too ;) I have been in contact with Mindspeak, and even though she cannot be here like she once was (as I can't due to circumstances in my life right now), she will always be a *part of us all*, for she truly has *touched* all of our lives, more than she probably realizes. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers, and know you are in hers.....
We ALL have touched one another..in so many ways, and I really hope you are able to *safely read and post as you can*, especially right now, as things are deteriorating even further (sorry, but my honest, humble opinion). The support and feedback, along with your inner work will be *key* here.
I *have* to caution you, because I care about you and your precious son, in addition to fully understanding your situation: Sweetie, *knee-jerk reactions* can hurt you, tremendously, and he is COUNTING on that. I completely understand your reaction to his comments, but, at the same time, please realize how much *your reactions/actions/choices are being *watched, constantly* by him, as he uses this to further abuse, control, and manipulate you. "Slapping" him is dangerous, on many levels, from the *chance* that he will retaliate with physical abuse himself, to how he could *use* this against you, to how he could *hold this over you* for further reinforcement of his power and control, and more.... YOU could also be arrested for "Domestic Violence/Abuse" by becoming physical, in any way, and he KNOWS that also.
Gosh, there is SO much I want to say here, but, due to your situation, I think I will stop rambling and not elaborate further here.
Please, keep reading, keep writing as you can, and be SUPER careful!!! I understand the thoughts about his family, again, but aren't they being *nasty* now? Isn't your life *nasty* now? Is your son growing up in a healthy atmosphere?
Yes, those are tough questions, and I could list more to ask yourself, but, these are things to really think about, and you can bet your abuser is thinking about it all too, trying to determine how much more he can *hold* you there, on many levels, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. He is methodical, and he will go to extreme lengths to *keep you there*, regardless of the damage, impact, and pain you AND your son are experiencing due to living in this literal hell.
I do KNOW how scary it is! I do know what you are thinking and feeling, and I DO care! Please, as you sort through this quagmire, please, think of the long term implications.... IF you took steps away from the abuse, sure, it *can* be *nasty*, but what is the situation now? Is there an ending point? There IS an ending point when you "break free", that is very hard to see right now, due to circumstances, power, control, confusion, conditioning, and more. You coming back, "talking" about it all, is KEY, however....
NO matter what, I am here for you, Mindspeak is here for you, and so is every single person on this board (whether lurking or posting).
If you can *safely* contact me, please do. I hesitate to post *more*, especially contact issues, mainly for your safety, since he does *follow* you so closely (as well as for myself and my kids), but, if you can *slip* into chat, or contact those here you *know and trust*, they can help you to reach me, but, please, only contact me if it is absolutely *safe* for you, and know I will reply, as I can.
You and your son are in my daily thoughts and prayers sweetie, always.
HUGS!!!
*Edited to correct a couple of "glaring" speeling mistakes, or is it that lovely "DFS-Dyslexic Finger Syndrome" again ;)
Edited 3/3/2004 1:03:55 AM ET by mizlizzy
Thank you so much for your response!... I really appreciate the support, and what you said really resonated with me, particularly:
"I stayed for many reasons, but whatever they were, I was strong enough to take it...and kept getting stronger and stronger. At my strongest, I picked up the phone, and called the police."
I have stayed for many reasons maybe not the best ones, or even good ones. Each time he pulls out a knife to threaten suicide, I get closer and closer to calling the police. The problem is the last time he was between me and the phone.
Also, what you said about not going to the dinners anymore reminded me that SIL's STBX stopped joining the "family" dinners about two years ago. Hmmm...
Phoenix
phoenix
I only have really old contact info. I'll try to sneak into the chat on Sunday night... but I'm not sure if I can. In the meantime I've written quite a novel of an email!
phoenix