Has anyone gone through this?
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| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:58pm |
Since the beginning of my marriage he's been violent with things around the house. Then he started pushing, shoving, and then kicking me and punching, etc. He also uses verbal abuse. Calls me names and for a long time made be feel inferior.
I thought it was my fault all along, I thought I was doing something wrong. This had continued over 12 years and he has done this in front of the kids.
I just now realized it after 12 years, I'm not sure what made me click but I thank God for it. He had a rampage about 1 month ago and I told him I was leaving that after all these years of this I was tired and that I had lost all the love and respect I had for him. He started crying and told me he loved me with all his heart. He seemed sincere.
Well now he's acting very nice, kind etc. Will he hit me again/will he be violent again? If so, how long will it take? He doesn't think he needs counseling or that's he's an abuser. I'm scared to tell him that I want out. And at the same time I feel pity for him because he cries.
What should I do? I am so confused and scared. Help!

Hi Confused and welcome -
Unfortunately, what you are describing and going through are in fact the cycle of abuse.
CL-Blueliner4
I have been going through the same thing with my bf for the last several years, and I can tell you that he is definitely abusive towards you and definitely WILL be abusive again. Abusers go through cycles (that after a while get very predictable) of rage and repentance. My bf always cries, apologizes, buys me presents, makes promises, etc. every time he gets violent and hurts me. He'll be very sweet and nice for a couple weeks, but he ALWAYS abuses me again. Your husband will hurt you again too. I understand your pity for him when he is sorry, but after a while "I'm sorry", presents, and empty promises just aren't enough anymore. If he was truly sorry and really loved you, he would get some help and not hurt you anymore.
I urge you to educate yourself on domestic abuse, and think about if this is really the kind of life you want to live. You deserve better, and I do to. But the longer you stay, the lower your self esteem goes, and the harder it is to find the courage to leave. It has taken me 5 years, but I am finally getting out, and I hope and pray the same for you! God Bless!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
I have made up my mind to leave him but I don't know how to do it. What does it take? I'm scared of him crying again and then I'll stay all over. What do you suggest?
I know my kids will be devastated that I'm leaving their daddy but I think it's for the best because they get so scared when he gets violent and I don't want them learning that behavior and when they grow up treating their spouses that way.
I know he doesn't love me or else he would not have cheated on me or he wouldn't hit me, so then why does he cry and it seems so real?
i think what you need to bear in mind above all else is this. you said in your posting that you don't love him and have lost all respect for him and what's more that you're scared of him. and to be honest with you, i don't blame you. you have to try and see through his tears and pity for himself to what it is that you want for your life. and i think if you were honest with yourself, you'd know it's not this. as all the others have said, the cycle of abuse will continue. my ex-partner is being all sweetness and light at the moment but then, i know what he's capable of, as you do of your husband. leaving is hard, but if i can do it - anyone can. take care of yourself and your needs.
I am in agreeance with everyone else here as well.
I'm terrified but I have to do what I have to do. Thanks for all your wonderful advice. It just seems that he's going to change although that's what he's been saying for years and that's what I've been believing.
I'll keep everyone posted on what happens. Bye.
Please do not tell him you are considering leaving as this will increase his abuse. Read the info on safety and planning and how to protect yourself, it is very important. You need to be careful and consider getting some counselling or perhaps calling your local shelter to see what resources are vailable to you adn your children. That is what I have done and things are working out fine for us. You may think it is impossible but it is not, you will survive and not just survive, you will find a whole new life outside of an abusive and unhealthy marriage, you will find yourself and the many wonderful qualities thathe will never appreciate.
Stay strong, stay safe and you are welcome here to post and vent and cry whenevr you need to. Read the stories you find here it will help you with the monumental realization you have recently made.