I think I have a plan, but need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
I think I have a plan, but need advice
7
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:33pm
I have been with my abusive bf for just over 5 years, and am finally taking the steps to get out and get on with my life. I have decided to move out, but have a couple problems with exactly how to go about doing it.

One, I don't know how I am going to break the news to him. Either he is going to see me packing up all of my stuff and will know that I'm leaving, or I can try to tell him ahead of time, but either way, I know that his reaction will be violent and not pretty. I don't know what would be the best way to leave, or if I should have a friend or family member come over while I'm packing to leave, or what. Does anyone have any advice on that?

I have another problem with my plan too. I am secretly getting another apartment for myself a few towns away, which my income can handle fine, but... there are still 6 months left on the lease for the apartment I share with my bf. I know that he can take legal action against me if I do not pay my half each month, but I don't have the money right now to pay him for the entire six months. I don't know if it will be wise for me to send him a check each month, because I don't want him to know where I'm living. I am planning on getting a restraining order when I leave, and I don't know if I would even be allowed to send him anything. All I do know, is that I have the courage to leave right now, but I don't know if I will if I wait 6 months when my financial situation will be easier. Any advice for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 7:02pm

Hi Aquafina and welcome -


On our board homepage is a link to how to create a safety plan.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:20pm
Hi iaquafina.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:56pm
Do NOT wait.. if you wait you might not be alive in the next 6 months to leave... You can get out of your lease just talk to your lease people and tell them he is abusive... Get someone to come over while you pack... My X boyfriend beat me during our whole relationship and you have to protect yourself at all costs...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:49am
All of you are very right, but I just wish there was an easier way. I know that I have to get "down and dirty" to get out of this, and I know that he deserves all of it, but it is just so hard for me. I know it's stupid, but I want my departure to be as unpainful for my bf as possible. I don't want everyone to know what he has done to me- I want him to get on with his life and have a good life without me. Despite what he has done to me for the past years, I still care about him very much, and I don't want to drag him through the mud. I also am embarassed for what I have put up with from him. I have only told a few friends and my family what he does to me, but I know that I will need to tell my landlord, my co-workers, my bf parents, etc. Now I feel like the bad guy!!! Does anyone else feel like this?
Avatar for yurhiness
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:34am
You go girl!

The moving part of your plan is perfect,

You just need a few more hands and an adequate truck,

Within a few hours with enough people and the right size truck,

And a diversion plan to keep him away for a few hours that day,

When you jam, it will be quick, organized and safe!

My two cents…

Start packing little things he won't notice NOW!

Re-arrange the closet, (you get my meaning!)

Get all of you legal documents together

Birth, cert. soc, sec. card, ect.. And put them somewhere safe and away.

Get a post office box and change your address to the post office box,

I am miffed about your lease and your obligations to it once you leave, but I am sure about this DO NOT send him personal checks it's like leaving a trail to where you are.

In all honesty (again its my opinion)

Stay focused on your move date,

Get that restraining order in place before you get into that apartment,

Don't bother with a goodbye,

And go and live your new life!

My local women’s center has been really good to me they have great advice on safety plans,

Maybe your local center can help you that stickler question about your lease.

Above all know that you doing the right thing,

I feel strength in your strength!

Stay Strong,

Stay Safe

Yurhiness

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 5:34pm
Yes, iaquafina, I too have felt like I was the bad guy. It is very hard to understand and accept for they have "trained" us to believe that everything is our fault if we don't go along with them. By making you the bad guy, he comes out smelling like a rose, but remember all roses have thorns. He will not be able to accept that any of this is his fault. You have to trust yourself and your instincts and know that your true friends will understand and be there for you. Taking care of you is NOT being the bad guy.

Hugs and my thoughts are with you.

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:02pm
Hi,

I really think that if you are going to leave you should do it without any contact with him, when he isn't home just take your stuff and go. If you aren't comfortable with that you should #1 get the restraining order because you can file it before you leave and have a police officer there with you when you take your stuff. Whatever you feel more comfortable, but make sure you have no contact after. That is the most dangerous time after leaving an abuser is actually getting away. That period of time they are furious, but GOOD THING YOU ARE LEAVING. I am not telling you to stay at all!! Please leave him, and take care. You might want to let a neighbor know to listen out for any noise or make a signal that only you and a close neighbor know. You don't want him to find out and then get all crazy on you. The worse thing I did was not give a signal to my neighbor, she heard him beating my a** and didn't call the police or anything because she didn't know whehter or not to. God bless you!!