Chaos, confusion, and pain
Find a Conversation
Chaos, confusion, and pain
| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:46am |
I desperately need support and advice. I have been married for 5 years. I separated from my emotionally abusive husband 2 years ago. I did so to maintain my sanity and the well being of my 2 children ages 16 and 4. My 16 year old son is from a previous marriage. I have continued a relationship with my husband. We had the idea that I would return after my son graduates high school and enters college. He refuses to live with my husband. I wish that I had his insight. Needless to say, not much has changed. We have not communicated in 2 weeks. He calls me constanly at work. He called me at work last week over a period of 6 hours and I was unable to return his call until late in the day. He accused me of lying to him, engaging in extramarital affairs at work, and having lied to him throughout our reationship.He has absolutely no basis to this. He says that he can "tell" in my voice when I am lying. How does one deal with this? How does one prove innocence under these circumstances? I know in my heart that I should rejoice in the fact that he may have ended the relationship by not calling, however, I feel terrible. I know that this relationship is unhealthy for myself and my children, but again I don't want it to end and be alone. It is literally killing me, but I am struggling to resist the strong urges to call him. Please give me some survival suggestions.

You last comment "Please give me some survival suggestions" stuck out to me....because when I first entered domestic abuse counseling, this is exactly what I asked my counselor for. What I have learned...there IS NO SURVIVAL. HE will eat you up, spit you out, and move on to his next victim.
Your h is most DEFINITELY abusive....my gosh, the phone calls at work, the accusations, etc very, very typical of abusive men. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE YOUR INNOCENCE. YOU DON'T! because you are not guilty.
Survivial techniques? Get a domestic abuse counselor (call the local Women's shelter OR the 1-800 # for victims of domestic violence---and don't worry if its not physical, my h has NEVER laid on hand on me, either, but its still abuse). Also, pick up the book "Why Does He Do that? Inside the Minds of Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft---it is an EYE OPENING book, and will help you see that it is not YOU, but him!!
Don't want to end up alone? Let me re-phrase this question for you.....Do you want to spend the next 20, 30, or even 40 years with this man--"proving" that you were NOT cheating on him? catering to his EVERY need? bending over backwards with NO reciprocation? That's how I've begun to view it...I cant spend another 30-40 years like this....I just can't. The fact that you DON'T want to be alone, maybe should be an indicator that you need some time and space to yourself. Many, many women (even those in healthy relationships) tend to get so caught up in things that they forget that if you can't be alone with yourself, you'll always be lonely. I understand the context of not wanting to be alone....but these days, I would rather BE ALONE then to live with this sob for the rest of my life...but that's just me.
keep reading, keep posting...and big hugs!
dharma
I agree with Dharma.