Feeling unsettled a bit......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Feeling unsettled a bit......
6
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:29am
After a good night sleep, I'm feeling most unsettled with the "complaint" reasons my attorney plans on using in the complaint summons. (to refresh: "refuses sexual relations" and "refuses to socialize"--these are two out of a list of many, but would be some of the bigger ones. I know the attorney has better knowledge of what will work and what doesn't...but my gut is saying "no, find someone else". And therein lies my problem....

For so many years, my "inner voice" was replaced with my husbands voice, almost literally. For example, for many years, when I would go grocery shopping and try to buy certain products/food (eg: sugary type of cereal), it was if I could almost hear him yelling at me and I wouldn't buy it. The few times I would, he would throw whatever "offensive" food I bought out or hide it. (and I worked past that a few years ago). For many years, I would go against my judgement/voice and allow my h to make the decisions. I've only just recently have allowed this "inner voice" to return....and hear she is speaking to me about this.

BUT, I don't know if this is just an excuse or a reason NOT to file. I know that my h is not going to change, and the that things will not magically get better....I know this. But something is just not sitting right, but I can't pinpoint it.....I'm going to call my DV counselor about this...I also NEED to get to the local support group (which meets Tues. at 5:30 pm--which is an awkward time for me) and ask the women their experiences.

Any thoughts? suggestions? different perspectives?

dharma

ps...cl-sweetdreams...THANK YOU..that is an AWESOME book (I'm reading some of it online) and plan on BUYING it....I think the MORE knowledge you have, the more empowered you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:57am
Dharma,

I only have a minute right now to post but wanted to say something to you. First of all huge hugs and congrats on making it to the lawyer. Second...follow your instincts. I am not using the first attorney that I went to for the very same reason. He rubbed me the wrong way. Didnt think of h as abusive and I just generally didnt get a good feeling from him. There are a million lawyers out there...you can always pick another. As long as you havent given him any money yet you are free to go to whomever YOU choose. Maybe call the local shelter and ask if they have a list of lawyers that are familiar with DV and make an appt to talk with one of them? Just an idea. Huge hugs to you lady...you can do this.

Love and Hugs,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 8:57am
Hi Dharma,

I don't think that your reluctance to go with the charges your lawyer presented is a sign in any way that you're not ready to file... just that you probably have the wrong attorney. Refuses sex? I wish! Those charges are just so ridiculous and the very bad part is that if this thing goes to trial you would be in the position of defending those charges- a very difficult task. I remember my first couple of meetings with my first attorney (I just switched, but not because she was bad)... I didn't like a lot of what she was telling me (husband could get 50/50 custody, I had to come back to the state even though I didn't have anywhere to live, etc.).. even though I didn't like her advice she was right and I was NEVER uncomfortable with anything we put forth in affidavits- they were 100% true and we've been winning hearings on the truth. I think that you should listen to your inner voice, find someone who's strategy you can feel comfortable with and that you can support and defend. Maybe the sex refusal and socializing thing is just this attorneys 'template' divorce and he does it because it is easier? You might not fit very well into his template. I have had a lot of trouble making decisions too. I was criticized with every decision I ever made in our marriage. I stopped having an opinion on anything- then I couldn't be wrong ( I was still at fault though when something did go wrong for not preventing it). It makes it very hard to trust your gut and make tough choices not, but it will get easier. Good Luck Dharma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:11am
Ree~

Thanks...I needed the reassurance to follow my instincts. I hope the more I listen, the more I will be comfortable with my "own" decisions....but I find it difficult at times, now. But right now, I just need some reassurance...because my h has undermined my instincts and fed into all my fears, creates his owns and then tries tossing them onto me (which I begin to see more and more....esp. with the situation with my daughters tubes), I have very little confidence in myself.

I don't have to go with this lawyer, and don't think I will. I will send him a check for the 2 hours of work we did (and gave me a better basis to build on). I was given a list by my dv counselor some time ago...and I felt, at that time, that this lawyer would be good. So, I will go back to the list...some of which I had already interviewed and liked, but thought this person would be better.

I think, too, if I can get a job (ANY job) that will make me a *little* more secure...

thank you so much for your response

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:34am
detoutes~

Thanks so much for your response. What you said about having to defend those charges during deposition is EXACTLY what I asked...and he just kind of brushed it off, like "everyone makes up stuff". But I thought...gee, if ANYTHING ticks off the h, it will be THOSE TWO THINGS...and we ALL know what happens when he tick off the h/so....it just kicks them into high gear with more controlling behavior. And with divorce, which he DOESN'T want, I don't want to kick the hornets nest, I want to be as honest as possible, WITHOUT making stuff up (which I feel, is bad enough on its face to justify). I guess, I just have to try harder at finding someone who is more voiced in domestic abuse and that it doesn't just encompass physical abuse.

Its just so frustrating for me to not trust my inner voice...I'm a reasonably intelligent woman...but I come across as wishy washy or a fence sitter because I dont trust my gut enough, though I know that I frequently regret NOT listening to it when I should have. The worst times have come, in my marriage, when I listened to my gut and something went wrong and h was RIGHT THERE to point out how I'm incapable or somehow not able to make good judgements or decisions. Its like instead of being allowed to make mistakes (which we ALL do), I got chastised, put down and just made to feel stupid....no wonder I have so much self doubt....I've never had the opportunity to make mistakes and learn by them. And my h, being an engineer, logical and analytical (and ANAL), feels that if one does NOT employ his anal ways...then its WRONG and people who don't think like him are just stupid. Mind you, on one evaluation he had from a supervisor, many years ago, said that he had the tendency to have "paralysis by analysis"...by his inability to make a decision and go with it because it had to be thought out "just perfectly". Its a GREAT saying...and have pointed out when he is doing just that (which he does frequently).

I think I will continue my lawyer hunt...you know, I'm so tempted to photocopy the chapter on Types of Abuses in Lundy's book to send to the lawyer and say "hey, THIS is what I'm dealing with. What you suggested works for the "average" couple divorcing, NOT abusive ones." I know it won't make much of a difference...but then again, it might. And maybe the next woman who presents to him in a similar manner, he'll have a better understanding of.....We'll see.

Thanks again!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:06am
Dear Dharma: Hey, honey! I've been seeing you on another board that I visit. Small cyberworld, eh? Anyway, just my 2 cents, for whatever its worth. Attorneys have to make out a cause of action in the Complaint. They can't just say that you're not happy and don't want to be married anymore. Since you're suing him (even though I realize people think of divorce more as a "transaction" than a lawsuit) the attorney has to allege that he's done something wrong, something which warrants the remedy you're seeking - divorce. These causes of action are pretty routine and generally are pled over and over and I don't think anyone takes them too seriously unless you allege mental and emotional cruelty (which in some states allows the divorce to happen in a shorter period of time). Refusing sexual relations is actually a pretty standard allegation. It's called "abandonment" and appears in many, probably darned near all, divorce complaints. I understand that your desire is not to bash him in the pleading, but your attorney's job is to plead something that backs up the result you're trying to acheive - divorce. When you allege emotional cruelty, however, the pleading must be more specific and be backed by examples of emotional cruelty. The other causes of action are pretty routine.

I don't necessarily think that your hesitance to file a Complaint containing these allegations suggests anything about your desire to go thru with the divorce. It may more likely be that you want to understand what the heck you're alleging against him. Although I draft pleadings all the time, I understand that the folks I'm representing don't always have a clue what I'm trying to say. You're allowed to be confused, both about what the complaint alleges and whether or not you want to go thru with the whole thing.

I was just talking with a friend yesterday and we agreed that these days people think of divorce as a "transaction" like filing for bankruptcy or closing on a new house. People unfortunately no longer recognize the tremendous emotional impact divorce has. It's become something you just do and then move on. Not fair. This is a heavy duty life-altering step to take and, like marriage, should not be entered into lightly.

Best of luck, Dharma!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:21am
momesq~

I *thought* I recognized you from the "other" board (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) but wasn't sure...guess we have "multiple" issues here, huh? (on that front...it gets better sssslllloooowwwwlly...but it does).

I totally understand what you are saying about the needing the complaint....and you are right...you just can't say that your h is a mean jerk and that's it...it needs GROUNDS. However, with my h its going to be a fight (partly because of control, partlly because of religious reasons). The hesitation with listing the sexual relations AND the social stuff is because it is ME, who is refusing the sexual relations as well as hanging out socially. IF he reads that, then THAT will get him ALL fired up and want to fight me because he will NOT want to perceived as denying me that, when in fact, that is EXACTLY what he wants (because he's entitled to it and doesn't see a problem with it).

Maybe I'm being stubborn, maybe I'll find at the next lawyer that it will be the same exact thing...but right now, the gut is saying "look elsewhere". I know if I stay with this one...it will leave me wondering...and considering I'm looking at potentially $20,000 debt with this, I want to be DARNED sure that I'm really comfortable on those issues.

Cl-sweetdreams referred me to a book about divorce in NYS, written by two former matrimonial lawyers, it looks like. In the chapter about "grounds for divorce" they had it worded in a way, which gave grounds, but without raising the hackles. I think if this was a "normal" divorce (if there is such a thing), that BOTH parties would understand that sometimes you just have to throw stuff out their to get divorced....but with my h, he'll be LOOKING for reasons to NOT divorce (and the judge can DEFINITELY rule that there aren't grounds to divorce...which then you have to file to separate...and RE-FILE for divorce a year later....very costly).

I do appreciate you taking the time out for me to point this out.....and I hope I didn't come across as being b%^chy about it (that wasn't my intent...just to explain)

Thanks....

dharma

ps...how are "things" are the other front? I'll have to go to the other board and catch up...