confused and tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
confused and tired
2
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:14am


Well I am fighting the urge to just move back with him again. I dropped off my son today at school and his teacher had a little talk with me. Told me that he seems to be having more problems in school now than before. That he has taken a pencil and scribbled all over his desk and that he seems more weepy now in class than he used to. She suggested that he go to a meeting with other children whose parents are divorced/going through divorce. I told her that if she was seeing a change in his behavior and thought he would benefit from it then I had no objections to it at all. Actually I have been thinking of asking my counsellor if he could see her also..or another counselor from the shelter just so he can talk to someone about what is going on and maybe work it out.

The school called me yesterday to schedule a meeting to talk about DS progress in school this year and to discuss next year(3rd grade). I am dreading this and wondering if I should tell my husband about this meeting so that he can come. In a way I want to let him know because he has a right to go to this meeting also...but also I am worried that this will be an excuse for him to say see what you are doing to our son? Making things worse for our son and making him have problems in school. The school has suggested since kindergarten that he has attention problems and that I should take him to a doctor to have him get help for something that they dont think he has any control over. Last year was just a nightmare for me with his teacher. She had us in to meetings every month and had my son bring home a paper with daily critiques of what he had done. It was a page with smiley faces on it and he would either get a smiley, sad or middle face for the day. It was just very nervewracking. I am thinking of trying to see if he has any food sensitivity and am starting to read again about ADHD and what alternative methods of treatment are. I do NOT want to put my son on Ritalin or any other drug or pill. My husband just totally denies that our son even has a problem at all. I see that he does have problems knowing peoples boundaries and also some problems focusing on things if there are distractions. My sister had problems focusing as a child and the school system back then helped her to learn focusing techniques and worked with her on it. No such thing in my sons school system....take him to the doctor. Bleh. I just feel that there are other ways that he can learch to channel his energy...not by him popping pills.

So, in a long winded way I am getting to how I feel at the moment. Which is confused and sad and so tired. In a way I wonder if it wouldnt be better if I went back to my husband and tried to work things out. It seems like I will never find a job and now I am having to take money from my parents for gas...and my husband is taking the car on Sunday so that he can drive down to school in Troy, Ohio. I will then have to use my parents car for 2 weeks. My mom is making plans like I am going to be living there for a long time. Talking about buying a kennel for my dog and finally cleaning out my sisters old room so that I can sleep in there and DS can sleep in my old room...where we are doubled up at the moment. I just wish I could get a job that has decent pay but I feel like I havent worked in so long that noone wants to hire me. I dont have a resume and can only print one out at the library if I can get one made.

I know that I want to get a job and get into an apartment back up in MI. I want to keep my son in the same school system. I want to be able to support us so that we can have a decent life...I am just so worried that I cant do that. I saw an ad for Dental Assistant school that is beginning next month. I am not sure how much they make but they schooling is only 3 months long and they are supposed to have job placement assistance and you get a 90 hour internship somewhere. The problem is that it costs almost 5,000 dollars for the school. I am not sure if it would be worth it to spend that much money for that. It would cost me maybe half that in tuition to get a nursing or respiratory therapist degree from the local community college...but it would take 2 years to do.

And then my mind just goes back to moving back in with H. I dont miss him at all but I stil wonder if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if maybe he could change and not be so controlling of me and maybe now I could get a job and things could be better and I wouldnt have to put my son through a divorce. I just dont know. I am tired and feeling discouraged atm. Maybe later I wont be but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...and yet again I find myself doubting if I have done the right thing.

Huge hugs to you all,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:36am
Ree, please remember -- you've done the right thing by leaving him. We all know how hard it was for you to make that decision, and we know that it's not a decision you would make lightly. You did a lot of soul-searching before you left, and you still are. But, now you're second-guessing yourself. And that's OK. We all do it from time to time (I know I do!), but it's just a part of the healing process.

You're learning to live without him now, and that feels really weird sometimes, huh? You've lived your life a certain way for so long, and now that you have all of these different possibilities and different paths in front of you, it's hard to know where to start. You're just getting a little scared, but that's fine. That's normal. Just know this: Yes, your son may need some counseling right now to get through the divorce; but, can you even imagine the amount of counseling/therapy he would have needed if you had stayed and he grew up watching mommy being abused by daddy? He would probably be in counseling for the rest of his life.

You have *absolutely* made the best choice for your son. *No child* should *ever* have to see that kind of behavior between their parents. Since you could not reason with your H and since he would not/could not change his behavior, you did the next best thing -- taking your DS and leaving him.

Whenever you have feelings like you may want to go back, just remember your sister. She is probably *ecstatic* that you left, and I don't think she would want to see you go back, do you? Please, Ree -- learn from what happened to her. Don't go back and run the risk of becoming another statistic.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:52am
Take it one step at a time Dear.