*no contact?*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
*no contact?*
4
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:20pm
as you all know i've left my h. it's only been about two weeks. well, he keeps calling me. i talked to you guys about this before and i know the *no contact* rule. so i decided to discuss it w/him so he might understand. forgetting that they don't understand. ever!! so i started not answering my phone. but, when i do that he comes by. he drives by my house every morning and afternoon and then when i don't answer the phone he comes over. he thinks i'm seeing someone else. i just don't want to talk to him. so i pick up the phone sometimes just b/c i dont' want to see him. then all he wants to do is talk, talk, talk. when i have nothing to say to him.

have any of you had a prob w/you bf or h's not wanting to let go? he's begging one minute and being himself the next. which is fine, i know underneath he will always be an abuser. but, i dont' want to deal w/it anymore. is there something i can do to make him just understand that *no contact* is important. he even calls me at work some days. how can i feel like i'm making progress leaving if he is forcefully making himself a part of my life? any advice is greatly appreciated.

melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:31pm

Mel, they ALL do this in one way or another.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:51pm
Ooooohhhh Girl, I agree w/Gabby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: imel240
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:49pm
God Girl,, I know what you are going through.. my X boyfriend wont let me go ( even though we are going to court for him beating me) he calls and i tell him to leave me alone and he gets even more violent I dont think it will ever end....I wish you all the best
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: imel240
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:24am
Stbx would not get it that this was it. It is over, finished, for good. Kept calling, wanting to talk, coming over. Finally I said, "Remember when we first got together and we agreed that if there was ever someone else, we would tell the other one first beofre we did anything? Well, I just want you to know that if someone asks me out, I am going to go. I'm telling you this, not because there is someone specific yet but, I want you to hear it from me rather than be blindsided by one of your friends telling you they saw me out with some guy." At least it put an end to stbx thinking he could 'honeymoon' me back. It got kinda ugly for pick up's and drop offs for a while. Stbx still kept up the threats and verbal abuse, now infront of the boys. Then, I had a new friend, handsome and muscular, who would come over to be here during drop off and pick up times, as a deterant for bad behaviour. It worked. Stbx assumed he was a new bf and I did not correct him. New friend was a bouncer at a bar and knew all about stbx and his type. He said, "Your stbx doesn't scare me"

Depending on the relationship you have with your boss, you could have him take the next call and let the guy know his calls are not welcome. These guys don't listen to us and what we want but sometimes they'll listen to others, sometimes.

I'd document all the calls and drive bys. I'd continue to refuse to talk to him. I'd continue to say, "I will not speak with you, call my lawyer" everytime. Say it and hang up the phone. Say it through the closed door. Have your boss say it when he calls the office. Sooner or later, OK maybe a month, year or with a restraining order, he'll figure it out or be in jail.

If you give in JUST ONCE and have a conversation, he'll think, "oh, there, she's talking to me again" and you are back to square one!

I have a restraining order and communication can be via email re: the children only. When stbx drops off or picks up the boys, he can pull just into the end of the lane and must not approach the house. I stay in the house. I have caller ID and if it's him, one of the boys answers. If they are not here, it goes to the machine.

I've been out a little over two years. The first year, believe it or not, I had not 'Recognized and labelled' the abuse and knew nothing of 'no contact'. It was about a year ago that I found this board and started 'no contact'. Comparatively, my life now is like a weekend relaxing at a spa!

Think of it this way: No one has the RIGHT to speak with you, it is a PRIVILEGE! You get to decide who has it. He has lost that privilege by his own actions. No matter what he says, you owe him nothing!

Congradulations, good luck and keep looking up^,

Susan.