dont know where to begin.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
dont know where to begin.....
7
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:46pm
dont know where to end........maybe what is happening now. I have started a new counselor she is deep, she is amazing. She knows so much about me within a limited time frame of 2 hours. She described my behaviours, my actions, my emotional state if it is possible. I have been ready to burst into tears for the past 5 days, constantly.....I DONT DO this. I broke down and cried friday....I can not tell anyone, monday I went in with another session with ssoo much anxiety. Started to shed some tears. I have never felt this intense pain that I have endured, she beleived me, she beleived that my dh raped me. She asked me if anyone beleived you before and all I could do was nod my head no, she said no one has ever left you just feel the pain you have felt have they all i could do again was nod my head. it is starting, I can not control it. Since monday I have cried 2 times on monday, tuesday once and today once for a while. I am afriad to let anyone know. When I tell someone I am hurt I get hurt even more so I think to myself why bother and turn the pain inward...back to myslef. I am not suppose to rely on family or "drinking" buddies (my so-called friends) I am feeling very alone with all of this "new" realization. This is what I have delt with all of my life, I dont know any other way. My life was NOT normal, I really didnt comprehend this, it never sunk it I SWEAR......I truely beleived I was making more out of it, I was too sensative. She beleived me. Do ou know how many times I told and no one ever thought of me once? NO ONE.....I am suppose to think of them!!!! This woman is telling me its ok....I have a dissaccociation problem it is bad but it is from all I have endured, she can help me but it takes time. She asked if I had a "safety" plan regarding dh....NO ONE has ever thought of ME before. My answers that I have been longing for is in front of me, the puzzle that was destroyed so long ago and I just couldnt fit the peices in right no matter what I did or how I tried and have found there way back, they are so torn and tattered, broken but they can be taped, they can be mended. She told me I was not crazy I was handled so very wrong. Do you know how humiliating and degrading I was treated? It was AWFUL....she answered all the questions I have been longing for without asking,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:00pm

Hi Karate.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:04pm
Oh, karate, I am so feeling for you. YES it hurts like hell, but the only way out of the pain, is through it. We are all here for you, cheering you on, praying for you. You have survived!!! You have found someone that can help you, that will bring YOU out. You have tears of relief, I have tears of happiness for you. Stay strong, no this won't be easy, lean on board here, make it to the chat's on Sundays and continue with this therapist. You, my friend are on the path to recovery.

Huge {{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you!

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:03am
Ikarate!!!!

I have been thinking about you all week! I am so happy for you. Isn't nice to know you aren't crazy? Cry those tears girl and allow yourself to feel again.


Huge hugs here!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:24am
Why do I feel so ashamed for crying....why do I feel so weak for crying? Hugs.....the only time I have ever received a hug from my mother I was 35. I remember that and cherish that 1 hug I felt inside. My sons they feel them and I feel them so deep inside of me and it feels so good ONLY from them. I feel so cheated, the hugs I receive from my husband always turns into sex. Why cant I just receive a hug without anything attached? Holding my hand? very scary also. Anyone touching me gently is hard for me, I right away go into what do you want from me. The tears have not let up....I keep thinking whats wrong with me? Why cant I just let it happen? Why do I get so scared when someone gets too close? I dont want to run, I dont have to anymore
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:22am
Huge Hugs karate!! I'm sitting here crying right along with you, just so happy that you have finally found a counselor who will help, not hurt you!!

Do not feel ashamed ever again for crying, because in your new life, you will cry for happiness, for sadness and sometimes, just for the release it brings.

It will take time, give yourself that time. It will bring pain, but that will ease as you let it go. You will have anger, for all that would not let you feel. You will find happiness and a wonderful new life you have just begun to discover!

Walk proudly into your new sunrise karate, for there is nothing you cannot conquer ever again!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:46pm

Karate, every tear you shed is a manifestation of a hurt that you are purging from your soul, your mind, your body.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:35pm
I have read this post several times..it warms my heart. The path has been so long; so much pain along the way. I can't tell you how overjoyed I am to hear that you finally released, found comfort, and an amazing counselor...Keep your head up sweetie and don't worry a bit about the tears -- I'm so proud of you for finally letting them fall.~~much support and care your way