About the Plan

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
About the Plan
5
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:19pm
Ok. Ok. I have to be sure to say this here. I am married to an emotionally abusive man. He is extremely manipulative and controlling. He is self centered and is only concererned with his own level of comfort. I am sad about a lot of things. The dashed dreams of making 25 years marriage. The flattened hopes that I have shared with him that he has always squashed. I have been emotionally abused for over 23 years by this man. I was most likely emotionally abused by my parents. I'm working on trying to figure that one out so that I don't repeat this in my future. So, you see, with time, we do eventually turn the focus to ourselves, to help ourselves. We learn that we can't count on them.

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me trying to figure out physically how to leave. How to end this farce of a marriage. Do I want for the proverbial other shoe to fall (because we are sort of good right now) or do I through my hat in the ring now? Do I try to get him to leave? Or do I leave? Do I take the kids? (I know, everyone says take them, but the 17 yo might be ok staying here for awhile, not the 11 yr son.) And how do I take them with me? Where do I go? I don't know if the shelter will help me. I have a couple people who have said I can come stay with them, but with my kids? I don't know. And if I leave, have I abandoned my rights to my "stuff" here at the house? I know, that is a question that I should take to a lawyer. Oh, I wish I could sneak out to see one. I don't know. Doing that would be like really admitting this is going to happen. But it is. It has to. No more wondering. I'm not happy here. I don't want to be is this same place a year from now. But I don't want a time frame. I panic with time frames. I just want it to happen. I just want it to happen.

So, for any of you who actually made a plan - how'd you do it? It is going to happen. I want it to happen. (Have I said that already? I want it to happen? I want to be free!)

Hugs to you all,

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: ples62
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:30pm
Good post Pam... I mean, I can totally relate, and I look forward to reading the responses you get.

Hugs,

phoenix
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ples62
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:41pm

Let me see if I can offer some pointers:


Do I want for the proverbial other shoe to fall (because we are sort of good right now) or do I through my hat in the ring now?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: ples62
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:57am
Pam,

One thing happens when you are in an emotionally abusive situation. Your ability to take those steps you so badly need to take are hindered by the self-doubt that the abuser has nurtured in you for all those years. Although my break-up was more like a sick horror movie than an escape plan, I totally credit my counselor for giving me the extra push that I needed. Most shelters offer counseling services. Why not just give them a call and see if they do and make an appointment? You have been in this situation a long time just like I was and I know it feels like you are standing at the edge of a cliff and you know you have to jump across but the task just seems impossible. It is not. Let me tell you, after 3 months of freedom, I'm starting to look back and that cliff is starting to shrink into a something a little more manageable each day. I made it through a winter of snow and ice storms and yesterday when I went out and removed some leaves off some ivy I saw beautiful bright green colors and thought those are for new Terry to enjoy and there will only be more as I slowly remove all the dead leaves from my gardens...lucky me.

It's hard, but I am here for you and know you will do what's best for you. You are already one up on me because I didn't realize I was unhappy, I just thought I was crazy!


Terry

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:53am
Hugs ples! Blue and cam gave you some great advice! Recontact the shelter network, see what abuse counselors are available to you in your area. Just because you didn't hear the words you needed to first time, doesn't mean you won't hear them the second!

Take the time to find out what your options are legally, financially, emotionaly. If you try to figure them all out in one day you will only end up confusing the entire spectrum of emotions. Take it one step at a time, deal with one option at a time. You'll get there quicker and with better peace of mind.

If we don't take the time to check how deep the water is we may either hit our heads on a rock just below the surface or tangle our feet in hidden roots. Move at a pace you can handle, find out the facts before letting your mind get so confused nothing makes sense.

You're getting there Pam,,,,just give yourself the time and room to make the right decisions!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: ples62
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:40pm
Hi Pam,

Only you can make this happen- but be cautious. A controlling person hates nothing more than to lose the control. First of I would see an attorney- can you get away with an excuse like a doctor's appointment? Don't let it be known what your plans are. Also, do you have a true friend you can trust? Maybe a friend would be willing to make phone calls for you and/or receive mail for you...

Keep a paper trail- if you can't go through law enforcement keep a daily diary. Write down every incident with dates, times and so forth. Get yourself a phone card so you can make calls from your house without the risk of being listed on your phone bill. Also there are 800 # in every phone book for DV hotlines. You may be able to get advice and help concerning Shelters and other Assistance Programs by calling there.

Keep a bag packed with the most important docs or copies, clothing and so forth- the same for your 11 year old and for the 17 year old. It's certainly not healthy either for your kids to be in an abusive invironment.

Take the time to plan your actions carefully- it will only benefit you in the long run. You can get out of this- many if us did and have a better life now. My ideas may sound sneaky, but they helped me.

One more thing- make sure you clear the redial on your phone- my ex used to check phonebills, redialing numbers and so on. I learned right from the start how to get caught. I finally was able to move out when he was at work. I was able to get my belongings out of the house with the help of local Law Enforcement- but check into that first- every situation is different depending on State, Laws and so on. It took my

Ex at least 3 months to find me and that was in a small town. By that time I was stronger, had much more info on my rights and was in counseling and I had made a decision to leave the State I was living in to really break away. Good Luck- you can do this. For me the Grass was definitly much greener on the other side. My Prayers are with you.