cell # changed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
cell # changed
4
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:53pm
Well all I took a step forward. I had my cell # changed since his little bimbo, crystal called last night and tried starting crap. Also, tonight he calls me and says he has been doing some thinking and really needed to talk but he would call later. Well, I called him so the girls could talk and I here her in the background, so he is once again blowing smoke up my a$% and I always fall for it. Why cant i get over him? Kevin has been so great through this and I am still so confused. I intend to call with a blocked # if I do call stbxh so he can't get the # and I am not gonna give it to anyone in his family. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:31am
Christina you took a big step, and congrats for that. I have identified with so many of your previous posts because I too was involved with another man that was so wonderful to me. I broke up that relationship a few days ago (Sunday nite at about 11:30 p.m. to be exact) just because of the things you are struggling with. I can see the tension you have, knowing that Kevin is so wonderful and treats you so well. But having been thru this myself, I finally concluded that my confusion over these 2 men wasn't fair to anyone. On any given day, I could have married my bf or gone back to work on my marriage. I lived in that turmoil for about a year. I finally made a decision to cut the bf free. Not to reconcile with my H, just because I couldn't deal with the confusion and chaos of having 2 men in my life one minute longer. It hurts to be without my bf, but I feel some serenity with having done the "right" thing. My bf was all into getting married, living together, etc., and I was so confused I couldn't figure out which end was up. It wasn't fair to him anymore for me to be making promises and trying to move forward into this new life while still needing to heal from this marriage. Long story short, my heart goes out to you. You need to find some clarity with these 2 guys. It's not always as easy and picking between them; i.e. Kevin is better because he treats you better. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and evaluate the entire situation, look at your motivation, and how much energy you have to keep going on the way you are. I wish I had some advice for you, but for whatever its worth, I'm sharing my experience here.

Changing your cell phone number was a big step away from the chaos your H is causing in your life. You need to get as much peace as you can before you can make the kind of big (huge) decisions you're facing. Much love and many hugs to you!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:58am
How did you go about ending it w/bf? I have told my bf that I can't fully give him my heart and I really don't know what i want. He doesn't seem to want to let me go. He too was talking marriage and I dont think i will ever get married again. How do i let him down easy? Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 1:21pm
Oh Christina, there's no way in the world you can let Kevin down easily. It just aint going to happen. I'm struggling because I love my bf but I know this isn't a good situation for him. He was so emotionally invested in this relationship. You must understand, from where you are today, that when I told bf that I wanted a life and a future with him I really meant it. Its just that as the days and weeks and months passed, I never woke up in the morning thinking that I was ready to take those steps. As much as I want some of the things bf has to offer me, I examined my motives and realized many of those things were purely self-centered. I wanted the good feelings (both physical and mental) that he gave me. Unfortunately, I also realized that I was didn't want any part of the whole package that was him. I guess I was using him like a drug; life got hard, I ran into his arms hoping to feel better. And almost 100% of the time, I did feel better. I think if our objectives were more in line I wouldn't have ended it. But to keep turning to him knowing that I didn't want the same things out of the relationship that he did was just hypocritical and unfair. I did alot of damage, and he's not been making it easy for me in the last few days. He keeps sending me text messages and gifts, which on the one hand is very sweet and I think he means to show me how much he loves me. But on the other hand, its manipulative. I explained to him that I was compounding an already messy situation by making, or trying to make, decisions based upon utter exhaustion and confusion. Despite my making it very clear that I was confused, he's continuing to pursue me and knows that eventually I'll probably contact him. That'll give him a chance to plead his case again. UGH!

How did I end it? With brutal honesty. I told him I was horribly damaged and confused. That I wasn't lying when I made those promises to spend my life with him but that I kept expecting a moment of clarity when I knew with absolute certainty that he was the ONE, and that moment never came. While I do love him so much, the way I love him isn't the way I'd expect to feel about a man I want to spend my life with. I have real reservations, not about the way he treats me, but about some of the character traits I've always wanted it my "better half." He was lacking many of them.

I guess the clarity I have, that he can't get with, is that yes, I haven't been happy in a long time and I wished for someone loving and gentle to be the antithesis of H and heal my wounds. But that's about all I wanted. He was just like bandaging a cut. Once you've healed, you don't necessarily need all that dressing to keep getting better. What he brought me was absolutely beautiful, but not what I REALLY NEED. Just an example, I'm a professional well-educated woman. He's not particularly bright. He's not stupid or anything, just not very bright or ambitious. These are 2 characteristics that are a MUST in my book, just for compatibility. I can't talk to him about things that interest me because in many cases, he just doesn't get it. I can't talk to him about my work because he doesn't understand and frankly doesn't seem to be capable of understanding. That's a big black hole between us. I'm not being a snob, I'm being realistic about my needs. I think its a pretty universal understanding that couples need to be of about the same education and/or intellectual level. I think its especially difficult to make a relationship work when its the man whose not quite as intelligent/educated as the woman. I'm not saying this in true for all circumstances, but for me its a problem. And that's just one example.

Bf made me feel so darned good because he met all of the emotional needs that had gone unmet for so long. But that's all he did. Frankly, he was like taking a "happy" drug. When things got rough I ran to him and he made me feel better. It was totally unrealistic.

I tried to explain some of this (not the part about the difference in our intellects, that would have been too hurtful and unnecessary) but he totally didnt understand. Some of my friends have encouraged me by saying I did a loving and caring thing. Why waste any more of his time? when he could be out looking for Mrs. Right #2? I can't seem to convince him of that, though.

This is more information than you needed, certainly, but it felt good to vent. Ending this relationship has helped me feel stronger and more independent, but every few minutes it stings, alot. I'm sure you can imagine. Best of luck to you, Christina. What you're dealing with isn't easy. Love, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 2:06pm
Maureen,

I can't write much right now due to being at work, but i really would like to write back once I get home. Our situations are so similar. christina

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