is it my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
is it my fault?
9
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 1:25pm
I posted this last night on the other board.



Hi everyone. I havent posted too much on this board, I usually post on the sister board. I'll sum up my situation as best as i can. In the beginning of January my husband attacked me in front of my kids and now I wonder if I was at fault, somewhat. I had been talking to another man since November. He gave me the attention I was lacking from my husband. My H was never much for PDA or showing me his feelings. This OM was there for me through a lot. I was never intimate until I left my H. I told my H on Thanksgiving that I had feelings for this Om and we both cried and vowed to work things out. I just couldn't stop talking to Om. Well, we got through Xmas and new years. My H heard from people that I was planning on leaving him to come live w/Om, which I really wasent planning on doing that.The day it happenend, he had kept me up all night crying and professing his love for me. He was helping w/the kids more, making me coffee, picking up and helping kids w/ schoolwork. He even took the kids for me on Sun so I could have me time. Anyways, that morning he wouldn't go to work and let things cool off, he got into such a rage that he lost it. He started chocking me in front of my 7 yr old d. I got loose and he chased me to the living room where I took a shoe and smacked him across the face with it. He then pushed me out the front door where I fell and hit my head. I had a knot the size of a grapefruit. I called and had a friend pick me up and she called the cops, I wasen't gonna call them. He ended up getting arrested for DV and sat in jail till the next day. His whole family blames me and in a way maybe I did have some fault. I am just wondering now if my leaving was the best choice. I still love my H so much and miss him. We were together so long and now that I sit here and think of how much he did to trya nd keep us together, i wonder. The main thing now keeping me away is the fact that he is sleeping with the town tramp. I am seeing someone too, but i just can't give this man my whole heart until I figure out what to do about my H. Help!!!!!! Christina




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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 1:55pm

Is it ever a woman's fault for getting raped???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 2:23pm
wishful,

I ask that because I let myself get emotionally involved w/ OM while still being with my husband. I just think that if I didn't meet OM none of this would have happenend. Maybe I have just been brainwashed into believing I can't be w/out my H. I am just so confused. I think I need to be by myself, but financially I can't do it. I have no family to help and I start my new position at work and it is at night. My H won't keep the kids at night and I really have no one other than kevin. I just don't see a future w/kevin. I dont know how to break it to him or if I should see what happens. I just don't know. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 2:30pm
Hey, Christina-Girley-Girl!

Listen to Wishful . . . she hit the nail right on the head. IT IS NEVER, *EVER* YOUR FAULT!!! You did absolutely nothing to incite that kind of rage in him, and there's absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it. He is who he is, and he'll never change. *He* is the one who attacked *you*, not the other way around. He also saw fit, in his infinite wisdom, to do this in front of your kids. Now, what kind of person does that make him?!?!

Believe me, sweetheart, there is nothing you could have done to spare your kids from seeing what they saw, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening. He's completely uncontrollable. You can't take responsibility for his craziness, nor can you do anything to change it. He is his own person, and it's up to *him* to control his ownself -- it's *not* up to you! That's part of why you left, am I right? If you're like me, you got sick of "mothering" him and taking care of his every cotton-pickin' need. And then, of course, getting blamed whenever things went wrong.

This is probably going to sound awful, but, in a way, it might have kinda been a good thing that your kids got to see his "true colors." That way, they know him for who and what he is, and they won't have any delusions of him being some kind of decent father. They'll know better now, instead of having high hopes, only to be disappointed later on down the road.

I just can't stress this enough -- It's *not* your fault, it was *never* your fault, and it will never *be* your fault. This is all on him.

(((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 3:05pm

Once again, I am going to reinterate what I just said.


ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!


So what if

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 3:49pm
Emm and wishful,

I called the local shelter here and i have an appt next Wed to speak with someone and hopefully get some counceling andd also join the support group they have. I now see just how much i need it and hopefully i can sort my feelings out. I know H won't change and if he did it wouldn't last long. I know he has major issues and I can't "mother" him anymore. I used to have to remind him to take his pills( hes bipolar) and if i didn't he would just go nuts. He can't do laundry, can't pay his own bills, balance a checkbook or anything like that. Since the split he has had mommy do it for him. I just hope my kids understand that i left to make a better life mostly for them, myself too.

As far as court went, they want him to go to anger classes and spouse abuse classes twice a week at $40 each and also pay $50 week probation for one year. He would also have 10 days in jail. Or he can take 4 months in jail, which is what he is concidering, so that would make my life a bit eaiser. We'll see. Court is set for April sometime. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:15pm
Hey Christina? I do wholeheartedly agree with what everyone here has said, HOWEVER, I don't know why I continuously harbor this recurring thought: I have in the past tended to be a highly emotional person. I do wonder whether heartbreak makes people do things they might not otherwise do. My feelings are based on personal experience. I am in recovery. During my period of active addiction, I was a really, really sick person and did some awful things, totally out of character for me. Fast forward to today, 17 months later I'm proud to say, and the fog is lifting and I've got some morals and my conscience back - hence the break-up with my bf. I have raged, broken things, screamed, threatened and punched walls in fits of emotion. Most often, it was in connection with my son's diagnosis of an incurable disease and my youngest son's death. I was so completely consumed with anger and pain I didnt know how to live with it. No doubt about it, I mishandled the situation. BUT now I'm getting help and I've got some sanity back in my life.

I'm probably going to get an on-slaught of response for showing sympathy here, but I do think sometimes "normal" people get out of control because of emotions they're not dealing with in a healthy manner. Certainly, at the point that its hurting those you love and live with, there comes a time when you MUST get it under control. That being said, I wonder whether people who act out in this manner are entitled to a special niche in the "abuser" category; i.e. situational abusers? Based upon some of my past actions, I would have to admit that I could have been called an abuser. I dom't think that my actions deserved to be responded to by further abuse by my H, and I don't think I "caused" him to abuse me, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that sometimes people don't deal with their emotions in a destructive fashion and with enough help and counseling, they can change. To the extent that I could have been labeled an "abuser," I am no longer.

I know many, many men in recovery who abused their wives and girlfriends before getting clean. They went on to find God and never laid a finger or said a cross word again. This requires alot of dedication and a daily commitment to getting better.

Christina, I think you and I need to talk. Love and hugs, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:10pm
maureen,

I am so sorry to here about your children. My heart goes out to you. My email address is girley1219@yahoo.com. Looking at it the way you stated, I guess I could also be labeled an "abuser". Email me and well talk. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:38am
Christina & Maureen,

Christina, good for you, girl! I'm glad to hear you're talking to the people at your local DV shelter -- they will be an excellent resource for you throughout all of this. Are you still living with Kevin? If so, and if you want to move out of his house, they can probably help you find somewhere to go, at least temporarily. You might want to check it out.

Maureen, I'm so sorry about your kids! But please remember -- *nothing* you do *ever* gives *anyone* the right to abuse you, no matter what! Remember the old saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right?" That *definitely* applies here. Besides, I don't think you have been an abuser at all. You may have shown abusive behavior from time to time, in certain situations, but that does not put you in the same category as your ex. Being labelled an "abuser" requires a more consistent *pattern* of abusive behavior . . . not just a few isolated incidents. Everyone has their moments when they get a little out-of-control, and I think the things you've gone through with your kids *absolutely* justify that reaction! No one can always be completely in control of his/her emotions, but "normal" people are most of the time. For "normal" people, it takes something significant to "set them off" (i.e., your son's death and your other son's diagnosis); whereas for abusive personalities, *anything* and *everything* qualifies as "setting them off." There is no rhyme or reason to it -- they're just volatile like that. And, I can tell just from your posts on this board, that is NOT you! ((((BIG HUGS)))) and don't be so hard on yourself, OK?

Love & Hugs to you both,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:22am
Dear Emm: Thanks so much for your sweet and kind words. It's very difficult for me to keep this in perspective, especially because my H suffered thru the same events and acted out in his own destructive ways. Its so difficult to explain the level of heartache we've had as a result of our boys. Both me and H - our hearts are forever shattered, life looks totally different. I guess we both went a little crazy. The pain of these losses is with us forever, and H and I are both taking positive steps toward learning how to deal with this incredible pain. Life gets very tough sometimes. I guess what I'm asking is, if my behavior could be excused as a result of the heartache, why can't my H's? I do believe with every fiber of my being that his heart is as broken as mine. He sees a therapist weekly and apart from using some bad judgment with the kids - for which he apologized profusely and has never repeated - he hasn't ever spoken poorly to me or hit me or showed aggression. He's a SA and wanted sex to heal the pain. He wanted sex, I wanted drugs and alcohol. We're both in recovery now. Thanks for letting me share this. I'm a huge believer that pain shared is pain lessened. Love and hugs to you! Maureen

mo 7-18-10