I need advice on how to help my niece

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
I need advice on how to help my niece
3
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:27pm
Hi, I need advice on how to help my niece. She's 19 and has been in an abusive relationship for a year. 2 weeks ago he beat her up. She finally left him and moved in with me. He keeps calling her, she tells him the relationship is over, but he refuses to accept that. Today he tried to run her off the road. She managed to reach our local police station, but there were no police around. He followed her there and threw her down some cement steps. She got away from him and came here.

But now she doesn't want to press charges or get a PFA order. I tried talking to her, told her we'd help. But she is saying things like; I don't want to get him in trouble, I don't want him to get hurt, etc.

BTW: she grew up with this. Her dad did exactly the same thing to her Mom. Even to the trying to run her off the road. They divorced when she was 8, but it continued until she was about 10. Then her dad remarried and did the same thing to his 2nd wife. He ended up in jail a few times.

Is there anything we can do to help her? Any way we can get her to see how dangerous the situation is? Any advice is really appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:44am
Welcome countrygirl. I would contact your local shelter and talk with them. If you cannot find one locally, call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 as ask them for help locating one near you. You could also seek help at your local ER as most hospitals have assistance there also. Tell them what you said here and ask what would be the best and safest way to help your niece. They offer many resources beyond offering safe havens for us. They can help with financial, legal and counseling matters.

You may also want to visit the police station and make them aware of what is going on so that if she does again need help, they can tell her where to find safety. Also if she calls for help, they will know that it is domestic abuse related and respond more quickly.

Visit this boards homepage and check the many articles and links that are available to us.

It is filled with so much solid advice and help and may also help you find a way to help your niece. The more we know about abuse, the better the decisions in dealing with our individual cases.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:37pm
If he is consistently calling YOUR home, then you could technically contact police and have him charged with harrassment, or even apply for a peace bond or restraining order. You could do it without the consent of your neice.

Be as supportive to your neice as you possibly can. I would also encourage you to call the DV hotline in your area to find out what types of programs that they run. You could help her to join a support group. When I left, I went to support groups that had women in them that were still in the relationship. That might be something she would do.

Good Luck!

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:06pm
Hi Countrygirl,

My heart goes out to you, your niece and your family. I am a survivor of DV and thank God every day for my life now.

DV Shelters are a big help, they are typically secure and safe facilities and they do provide financial help, safety and support. Support is a major key word- hang in there with your niece. Try to stay as positive as possible in actions and talks- a battered woman has no more room for negativity and put downs. Try to get her involved in a support group for battered women- often victims feel more at ease around females with the same issues. Also- create a paper trail- starting with a restraining order concerning the phone calls to your home and any other incidents that have occured. Let the authorities know what is going on. Even when you're confronted with an unkind person i.e. law enforcement officers etc., keep going and fight for your and your niece's rights. A paper trail is often the only proof of abuse. There may come a time when you start to feel hopeless- don't give up. Educate yourself and your niece as much as you can on this issue. The things she says about not wanting to get him into trouble are very typical for a battered woman- it takes support and counseling for battered women to gain back their self respect and self esteem and it is a long process- If anyway possible talk to your niece to not go out by herself, to have a cell phone with her at all times, to take different routes to places she usually has to go i.e. work or school. She should avoid places like grocery stores i.e. she typically goes to unless it is absolutely necessary. It's much saver to go to different stores ...- try to break the usual habits. Most abusers attack when their victim is alone. If the circumstances get too bad maybe your niece would consider a temporary stay in a shelter- just to clear her head.

I live in a state with a Victim-Witness Assistance Program- If available they provide victims with a cell phone- free to use for several months- if there is a physical threat to the victim's life- this office may also provide some financial assistance.

I suffered throughout my life from abuse- it took for me to have now a disability for life and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome to finally thoughen up enough to get out of a very dangerous relationship. It was a tough and long process- I even moved across country to get away- and I can truly say I am blessed to have had this chance. I had to go to extremes to protect myself and my children and it was hard on many different levels- but I survived and I provided safety for my kids and showed them that Domestic Violence is a 0 Tolerance issue. Today I have a good man in my life and I pray every day for every woman, man and child that endure abuse to have the same chance like me.

I wish you and your niece the very best and I will pray for you all to get through this.