Is this abuse?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is this abuse?
5
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:59pm
Hi,

I'm an American girl who has been dating a guy from South America for the last 3 weeks. I left S.America about a week ago & I'm now in the USA studying. I plan on returning in 2 months. When I first met this guy, he seemed really nice. Everybody seems to think that he's such a great guy because he's into charity work, however, before I left he started saying a few hurtful things to me. He sweet-talked me a lot befor I made the mistake of doing (you know what) with him. After that he became distant and told me that he doesn't want the relationship to get too serious because he might meet another girl that he likes more..or I may meet another guy. And obviously I'd think that he wanted to end the relationship (even though he liked doing "you know what" with me), however, whenever I went anywhere without him he would get kinda' jealous. He told me that I should go out and have fun with my relatives. But he got upset whenever he found out that I talked with any other people (I mean people that I'm not related to). That's when he told me that I should call him whenever I wanted to go out somewhere so he could join me...However, before that he said that he's a very busy person and I shouldn't be so dependent on him. He would call me and get upset when I didn't agree to go out with him & his friends, he would hit my butt in front of them, he told me that I think too much whenever I got upset, he grabbed my stomach at one point & told me that I should lose some weight by the next 2 months, and then later he told me about how he can get any girl that he wants when I threatened to find someone else. He also felt the need to remind me of what a lucky girl I am to be with him. He's also said that it would be great if I let my hair grow longer (plus lost a little weight...I'm 5'8" & I weigh 138 lbs.), and if I started to wear green or blue contacts the next time that I see him..he said that after he saw a picture of me from 2 years ago. Now this is a long distance relationship. He said that he wants the freedom to see other girls while I'm gone, but if I've lost the weight & have at least let my hair grow a bit longer..THEN he'd even consider seeing me even if he has a new girlfriend. I told him that that's cheating, but he said that it's not cheating if his girlfriend doesn't find out. I know that I must sound pretty dumb, but there are times when I'm so confused because he can be really sweet on other occasions (at one point he even asked if we could talk about my feelings, but I shut down because I felt so confused, & I think that he was trying to get me to tell him how much I care about him rather than wanting to know what I want in the relationship). Most of my family thinks that he's a wonderful person. What should I do? I have to admit that it's hard for me to meet guys because I'm always studying (in all-girls' school), and I'm not adjusted to the area that I'm in right now, and I don't think that I have much to offer a guy (appearance-wise or even intellectually). I just miss my city & my relatives in S.America..and it may seem sick..but I also miss this guy. My sister said that he was just with me to show off at the time because I look a little different from the other people in his area. But I like him because even when I screwed up he would still get jealous about the idea of any other guy approaching me (but he would never admit to it)..and his getting jealous seemed like he cared, so I never saw a problem with that. But he always felt the need to very clearly point out any moments when I seemed jealous about him hugging other girls. On many occasions he would also be late (by about 4 or 5 hours) for our dates..or sometimes he simply wouldn't show up. He always had to tell me about the girls that he dances with when he goes out with his friends. Just before I left, he seemed as though he was testing me because he said that a girl with a pretty face and a nice body can find guys easily..but he was saying it as though I'm not in that category, so even if I wanted to, I'd probably not get much attention from many guys. There were times when he would start to stare at other girls while I spoke with him (and he'd make it obvious)..He started doing this after I spent the day with some guy that I had met the week before. There were even times when something good would happen to me. But he would try to turn my accomplishments into something negative..for example: When I told him that I'm on the honor roll at my university, he called me a "nerd." He also goes to college, but he never shows up to classes and he's in his late 20's & still has about 3 years left before he graduates simply because he never attends classes. Instead he goes out with his friends & says that it's his parents' responsibility to take care of him during these years because they can afford it & because he's their son. He doesn't work either, so that's why he has free time for charity work. Whenever a guy would compliment me for my figure, he would just tell me that the guy (that complimented me) probably didn't feel "my gut" so that's why he said nice things about my body..but he didn't even say whether he was kidding or not..he just laughed at his own joke. He's even gone as far as calling one of my cousins too skinny..and he said that he knows how insecure she is about her body, so he pointed it out because maybe it would motivate her to gain a little more weight (& by the way, this guy is quite skinny himself). Yeah, I'm an airhead for falling for this..but by this point I think I've fallen for this man so hard that I can't see myself finding anyone better..or anyone who will still stick around despite my flaws. And what's worse is that most of my family loves him & they'll take his side before they'll even take mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 8:37pm

Hi Skunky, and welcome -


RUN AWAY, AND RUN VERY FAST.


This guy is bad juju, and you are SO LUCKY to be away from him right now.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 8:50pm
Hello and welcome to the board. To answer your question, yes, I believe that it is and here's why: People who REALLY care about you (or love you) would never even think to make comments about your physical appearance or your intelligence that make you feel "less than". This is a very common characteristic among abusers to systematically "break down" the confidence of the person they are abusing so that they become so insecure and confused that they begin to rely entirely upon the abuser as their source of confidence, confirmation and information. Funny part is that although they begin with those "carrots" of compliments, you find that behind the carrot are many more comments and actions that are rancid and rotten. Here is a perfect example, my X used to tell me that I was such a smart person (compliment) that surely I could see that I wasn't thinking correctly and that I needed counseling (destructive). Abusers are MASTERS at this and they create, what we commonly call on this board, a fog of uncertainty (crazy-making), insecurity and, yes, fear that they will be the only ones to ever love someone like "us". Honey, this is a bunch of HOGWASH and nothing could be further from the truth. My family loved my abuser too and they often rushed to his defense. All of our friends thought he was the greatest guy....the "all-american boy next door"...and he was -- when he wasn't ABUSING!!! I am 37 years old and have 2 daughters under the age of seven. I spent nearly 10 years with my abuser and lived through some really horrible incidents. Boy do I wish I culd go back to where you are now -- still in college, with honors and with a whole bright future spread before me. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to go down the road I or so many other women here have. You're young, you're smart, you have family that loves you...run, dear, fast and far from this guy. He will systematically suck every drop of life and spirit that you have...and then, he will ask for even more. Please spend some time here with us, reading our stories, visiting the board's homepage (link is at the top of the page) and reading/learning all you can about domestic abuse. I think you will find your story, sadly, repeated over and over again. There is a world of help and support for you here and we're so glad you came! ~~gentle hugs and post as often as you need or wish
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:27pm
Thank you so much for all your advice. Honestly, I'm not trying to get sympathy from people. All that I want is to know exactly what this guy was trying to do to me & what he may continue to do when I return to see my relatives. My cousins didn't seem to see a big deal in what he said since they believed that he was just being honest with his feelings. They said that his words motivated me to dress more nicely & try to fix my hair so I'd be more confident. I was just really confused because at one moment he seemed very lovey-dovey, but then the next he would seem to find excuses for not being around me. But when I started to take his advice & give us both some space & venture off on my own, that's when he'd get upset & not call me anymore. One day I went walking to the town square & I happened to meet a nice group of guys & 1 girl. That same morning my boyfriend came to my home searching for me. But when my cousin said that I was out, he ended up calling me later on in the day. I told him that I had met some nice guys who were asking about the USA. That's when he asked me why I didn't call him. After I told him that I didn't have his number written down, he got quiet & said that he'd probably spend the rest of the day drinking with his buddies..and that he "might" show up to see me if he had the time. I don't understand if he was trying to completely confuse me to the point where I'd break up with him & he'd be single again..but then why did he feel the need to ask me to call him whenever I wanted to go out? He started telling people that I was his girlfriend before "I" even found out that we were an item. Maybe he wasn't being 100% abusive, but he was just stringing me along because he wanted to show off his "foreign girlfriend." I have lost a little bit of weight now mainly for myself..I want to live a healthier lifestyle, & I am letting my hair grow longer. But I don't know if he may try to re-start a "secret" relationship with me (since he may already be seeing someone else) after he's seen my changes. So far, my Aunt has said that he's been "strangely" keeping his distance from some of my relatives since I've left the country. I don't know how I should react if I do see him. Do you have any advice as far as what I should tell him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 9:57am
Hi skunky24

I'm sorry, but he sounds TERRIBLE. Stay away from him.

He is intentionally trying to make you feel worthless and as if no one else will want you but him. That is not loving and caring for your feelings, that is actually VERY destructive and disrespectful towards you, and it's not even that far into the relationship. If someone loves you and cares for you they make you feel wonderful, and you will find that somewhere else, believe me!

He's breaking you down to have better control over you. Walk away fast, and don´t look back.

When you are back where he is, don't let him sweet talk you again. He might be pleased with your changes, but it is probably because he is pleased because he'll believe it's done "for him". And guess what, if you feel better about yourself you'll feel more outgoing and chatty with people, and he will get worse.

Oh and this man has no respect for women, saying that secretly seeing someone else "isnt cheating" if they don't know it. PLEASE skunky, run, and run fast.

Best of luck, and keep reading and keep posting! I'm no expert on abuse, but there are people here that know so much, please learn from them. :)

HAVE FUN in S-Africa, and remember that it is NOT up to your family who you decide to spend yor time with.

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to:
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:34pm
Honey, I know exactly what you can tell him -- thanks but no thanks. Mr. X, after some careful thought and consideration, I no longer wish to have any contact with you. Please respect my decision and don't contact me again. When he does try to contact you again (which he surely will), do NOT pick up the phone, answer his emails, write him back or try to "reason" through your feelings. On the board, we call this the "no contact" rule and it is truly the best way to gain some distance and perspective so that you can truly "see" the forest for the trees. I never thought for a minute that you were here for sympathy. Most of us stumble here because there is a very odd feeling inside of us that things are not right with our relationships. Sure, some signs are more obvious than others, but what you have described in both of your posts is quite clearly an abusive relationship. It is not his place to help you to look better, lose weight, etc. The fact that you are doing these things for you is how ALL personal change should occur; never because someone else is instructing us to do so. Each adult is responsible for their own body, mind and spirit. When someone tries to alter these things for you, they are exerting their will against your own. Seems harmless enough right now when we're just talking about a change of clothes or shedding a few pounds, but you can already see the "mind control" that's starting when you do not respond the way he wishes (i.e. not calling him when he demands results in a "freeze-out" -- making you feel as if you did something wrong, causing you to feel confused, off-balance and unsure). When he does not show up for dates or is late by several hours, again, this is indicative of someone who is trying to create fear, anxiety, jealousy and confusion. This is precisely my point. People who love you NEVER do this to you -- quite the contrary. A healthy male would have heard the news that you had met some cool guys asking about the US and would have been thrilled that you had fun and enjoyed yourself and most likely would have been eager to see you to hear all about your fun day. Do you see the difference here? All the other stuff that was said too about how he might find someone else or you might, again is meant purely to instill a sense of fear that you might lose this special prize (him) -- GAG! Again, people who really care/love you would not do/say these things; instead they would (without creating jealousy), simply indicate that they are not looking for or ready for a committed relationship or to date anyone exclusively. Then you would have the right to determine if that is a person you would wish to spend additional time with; depending on your own wishes. You with me? This is what makes domestic abuse SO scary -- it creeps in slowly...almost imperceptively. Over time and very gradually it begins to eek away at your confidence, your spirit, your sense of self. Honey, those "odd" feelings are what brought you here. I hope you will stay a while longer and learn and read more about this issue before you decide to see him again. Whatever you decide, you can always find support and a listening ear here. BTW, the way to motivate someone is never through criticism. The way to motivate people happens through positive reinforcement. ~~gentle hugs dear