Is this abuse?
Find a Conversation
Is this abuse?
| Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:59pm |
Hi,
I'm an American girl who has been dating a guy from South America for the last 3 weeks. I left S.America about a week ago & I'm now in the USA studying. I plan on returning in 2 months. When I first met this guy, he seemed really nice. Everybody seems to think that he's such a great guy because he's into charity work, however, before I left he started saying a few hurtful things to me. He sweet-talked me a lot befor I made the mistake of doing (you know what) with him. After that he became distant and told me that he doesn't want the relationship to get too serious because he might meet another girl that he likes more..or I may meet another guy. And obviously I'd think that he wanted to end the relationship (even though he liked doing "you know what" with me), however, whenever I went anywhere without him he would get kinda' jealous. He told me that I should go out and have fun with my relatives. But he got upset whenever he found out that I talked with any other people (I mean people that I'm not related to). That's when he told me that I should call him whenever I wanted to go out somewhere so he could join me...However, before that he said that he's a very busy person and I shouldn't be so dependent on him. He would call me and get upset when I didn't agree to go out with him & his friends, he would hit my butt in front of them, he told me that I think too much whenever I got upset, he grabbed my stomach at one point & told me that I should lose some weight by the next 2 months, and then later he told me about how he can get any girl that he wants when I threatened to find someone else. He also felt the need to remind me of what a lucky girl I am to be with him. He's also said that it would be great if I let my hair grow longer (plus lost a little weight...I'm 5'8" & I weigh 138 lbs.), and if I started to wear green or blue contacts the next time that I see him..he said that after he saw a picture of me from 2 years ago. Now this is a long distance relationship. He said that he wants the freedom to see other girls while I'm gone, but if I've lost the weight & have at least let my hair grow a bit longer..THEN he'd even consider seeing me even if he has a new girlfriend. I told him that that's cheating, but he said that it's not cheating if his girlfriend doesn't find out. I know that I must sound pretty dumb, but there are times when I'm so confused because he can be really sweet on other occasions (at one point he even asked if we could talk about my feelings, but I shut down because I felt so confused, & I think that he was trying to get me to tell him how much I care about him rather than wanting to know what I want in the relationship). Most of my family thinks that he's a wonderful person. What should I do? I have to admit that it's hard for me to meet guys because I'm always studying (in all-girls' school), and I'm not adjusted to the area that I'm in right now, and I don't think that I have much to offer a guy (appearance-wise or even intellectually). I just miss my city & my relatives in S.America..and it may seem sick..but I also miss this guy. My sister said that he was just with me to show off at the time because I look a little different from the other people in his area. But I like him because even when I screwed up he would still get jealous about the idea of any other guy approaching me (but he would never admit to it)..and his getting jealous seemed like he cared, so I never saw a problem with that. But he always felt the need to very clearly point out any moments when I seemed jealous about him hugging other girls. On many occasions he would also be late (by about 4 or 5 hours) for our dates..or sometimes he simply wouldn't show up. He always had to tell me about the girls that he dances with when he goes out with his friends. Just before I left, he seemed as though he was testing me because he said that a girl with a pretty face and a nice body can find guys easily..but he was saying it as though I'm not in that category, so even if I wanted to, I'd probably not get much attention from many guys. There were times when he would start to stare at other girls while I spoke with him (and he'd make it obvious)..He started doing this after I spent the day with some guy that I had met the week before. There were even times when something good would happen to me. But he would try to turn my accomplishments into something negative..for example: When I told him that I'm on the honor roll at my university, he called me a "nerd." He also goes to college, but he never shows up to classes and he's in his late 20's & still has about 3 years left before he graduates simply because he never attends classes. Instead he goes out with his friends & says that it's his parents' responsibility to take care of him during these years because they can afford it & because he's their son. He doesn't work either, so that's why he has free time for charity work. Whenever a guy would compliment me for my figure, he would just tell me that the guy (that complimented me) probably didn't feel "my gut" so that's why he said nice things about my body..but he didn't even say whether he was kidding or not..he just laughed at his own joke. He's even gone as far as calling one of my cousins too skinny..and he said that he knows how insecure she is about her body, so he pointed it out because maybe it would motivate her to gain a little more weight (& by the way, this guy is quite skinny himself). Yeah, I'm an airhead for falling for this..but by this point I think I've fallen for this man so hard that I can't see myself finding anyone better..or anyone who will still stick around despite my flaws. And what's worse is that most of my family loves him & they'll take his side before they'll even take mine.
I'm an American girl who has been dating a guy from South America for the last 3 weeks. I left S.America about a week ago & I'm now in the USA studying. I plan on returning in 2 months. When I first met this guy, he seemed really nice. Everybody seems to think that he's such a great guy because he's into charity work, however, before I left he started saying a few hurtful things to me. He sweet-talked me a lot befor I made the mistake of doing (you know what) with him. After that he became distant and told me that he doesn't want the relationship to get too serious because he might meet another girl that he likes more..or I may meet another guy. And obviously I'd think that he wanted to end the relationship (even though he liked doing "you know what" with me), however, whenever I went anywhere without him he would get kinda' jealous. He told me that I should go out and have fun with my relatives. But he got upset whenever he found out that I talked with any other people (I mean people that I'm not related to). That's when he told me that I should call him whenever I wanted to go out somewhere so he could join me...However, before that he said that he's a very busy person and I shouldn't be so dependent on him. He would call me and get upset when I didn't agree to go out with him & his friends, he would hit my butt in front of them, he told me that I think too much whenever I got upset, he grabbed my stomach at one point & told me that I should lose some weight by the next 2 months, and then later he told me about how he can get any girl that he wants when I threatened to find someone else. He also felt the need to remind me of what a lucky girl I am to be with him. He's also said that it would be great if I let my hair grow longer (plus lost a little weight...I'm 5'8" & I weigh 138 lbs.), and if I started to wear green or blue contacts the next time that I see him..he said that after he saw a picture of me from 2 years ago. Now this is a long distance relationship. He said that he wants the freedom to see other girls while I'm gone, but if I've lost the weight & have at least let my hair grow a bit longer..THEN he'd even consider seeing me even if he has a new girlfriend. I told him that that's cheating, but he said that it's not cheating if his girlfriend doesn't find out. I know that I must sound pretty dumb, but there are times when I'm so confused because he can be really sweet on other occasions (at one point he even asked if we could talk about my feelings, but I shut down because I felt so confused, & I think that he was trying to get me to tell him how much I care about him rather than wanting to know what I want in the relationship). Most of my family thinks that he's a wonderful person. What should I do? I have to admit that it's hard for me to meet guys because I'm always studying (in all-girls' school), and I'm not adjusted to the area that I'm in right now, and I don't think that I have much to offer a guy (appearance-wise or even intellectually). I just miss my city & my relatives in S.America..and it may seem sick..but I also miss this guy. My sister said that he was just with me to show off at the time because I look a little different from the other people in his area. But I like him because even when I screwed up he would still get jealous about the idea of any other guy approaching me (but he would never admit to it)..and his getting jealous seemed like he cared, so I never saw a problem with that. But he always felt the need to very clearly point out any moments when I seemed jealous about him hugging other girls. On many occasions he would also be late (by about 4 or 5 hours) for our dates..or sometimes he simply wouldn't show up. He always had to tell me about the girls that he dances with when he goes out with his friends. Just before I left, he seemed as though he was testing me because he said that a girl with a pretty face and a nice body can find guys easily..but he was saying it as though I'm not in that category, so even if I wanted to, I'd probably not get much attention from many guys. There were times when he would start to stare at other girls while I spoke with him (and he'd make it obvious)..He started doing this after I spent the day with some guy that I had met the week before. There were even times when something good would happen to me. But he would try to turn my accomplishments into something negative..for example: When I told him that I'm on the honor roll at my university, he called me a "nerd." He also goes to college, but he never shows up to classes and he's in his late 20's & still has about 3 years left before he graduates simply because he never attends classes. Instead he goes out with his friends & says that it's his parents' responsibility to take care of him during these years because they can afford it & because he's their son. He doesn't work either, so that's why he has free time for charity work. Whenever a guy would compliment me for my figure, he would just tell me that the guy (that complimented me) probably didn't feel "my gut" so that's why he said nice things about my body..but he didn't even say whether he was kidding or not..he just laughed at his own joke. He's even gone as far as calling one of my cousins too skinny..and he said that he knows how insecure she is about her body, so he pointed it out because maybe it would motivate her to gain a little more weight (& by the way, this guy is quite skinny himself). Yeah, I'm an airhead for falling for this..but by this point I think I've fallen for this man so hard that I can't see myself finding anyone better..or anyone who will still stick around despite my flaws. And what's worse is that most of my family loves him & they'll take his side before they'll even take mine.

Hi Skunky, and welcome -
RUN AWAY, AND RUN VERY FAST.
This guy is bad juju, and you are SO LUCKY to be away from him right now.
CL-Blueliner4
I'm sorry, but he sounds TERRIBLE. Stay away from him.
He is intentionally trying to make you feel worthless and as if no one else will want you but him. That is not loving and caring for your feelings, that is actually VERY destructive and disrespectful towards you, and it's not even that far into the relationship. If someone loves you and cares for you they make you feel wonderful, and you will find that somewhere else, believe me!
He's breaking you down to have better control over you. Walk away fast, and don´t look back.
When you are back where he is, don't let him sweet talk you again. He might be pleased with your changes, but it is probably because he is pleased because he'll believe it's done "for him". And guess what, if you feel better about yourself you'll feel more outgoing and chatty with people, and he will get worse.
Oh and this man has no respect for women, saying that secretly seeing someone else "isnt cheating" if they don't know it. PLEASE skunky, run, and run fast.
Best of luck, and keep reading and keep posting! I'm no expert on abuse, but there are people here that know so much, please learn from them. :)
HAVE FUN in S-Africa, and remember that it is NOT up to your family who you decide to spend yor time with.