I just can't decide what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I just can't decide what to do....
4
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:21am
I can't decide whether or not to file on Monday, despite seeing the lawyer, getting the process going and knowing that the marriage is irretrievably broken. Its not that I believe the marriage will change or get better....its just that I don't have a job and I feel so unsettled about this, very insecure.

I am also a child of divorced parents. I *know* how messy and nasty these things can get..and I want to try to make it as nice as possible, but KNOW that divorce is RARELY, if ever, nice. BUT, I believe you can ease the blows.

My h and I have been talking since Tuesday night. When we first talked, he thought I was going to serve him with papers then. While he is not really for divorcing....he also knows that its coming. He mentioned about separating for sometime before moving forward to divorce....which, I am not opposed to (because if you are separated for a year, that is your grounds for divorce...a *little* less messy). We have had 3 talks, where we have gone out and discussed things....calmly, like adults.

I hear nothing in his words or his voice of ANY recognition that anything he has done is abusive or controlling, so I KNOW there is NO hope there....he will not change. I still wonder if I am pushing myself too fast.....do you know what I mean?

I called my dv counselor last week about some questions about the atty I had, about my hesitation for filing under the reasons for the complains summons, and she was quite terse with me on the phone. On the one hand, I know she deals with abused women who waver constantly and have much self doubt.....but on the other hand, I thought "whoa, who's agenda are you pushing here....yours or mine?" Since then, its kinda of ticked me off...but yet, I just wondering if I'm just looking for an excuse.

My h suggested taking a job up in Canada about 2 hours from us....which I am most in FAVOR of....but I don't know if he will follow through.

I just feel that without a job, I'm pushing things prematurely and I won't feel comfortable UNTIL I am employed and working and bringing in some of my own cash....and with four kids, without a horrible, physically abusive environment...I'm beginning to think that maybe I can do this another couple of months or LESS (hopefully). I'm aggressively job hunting and have been actively interviewing....so I think its just a matter of time before I get a job somewhere.

I'm on such a rollercoaster of emotion right now....and I can't find my balance...and yet I feel so pressured to file

I just don't know what to do anymore.....running on empty here.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:58am
Hi dharmagurl,

I went back and read your other posts. You've been questioning this a few times. Go back and read your post. Feel the emotion in them, read the responses. Ultimately what you do is only your choice. Most women return to their abusers 7 times before they actually leave. Each time the abuse gets worse never better. As sweetdreams often says, when the prize dog gets away you build a better fence. I may not have quoted that exactly, but what it means is when we go back, they make it harder to leave the next time.

Also no contact is the best way to ensure that you won't be manipulated back in. He knows that your parents break up hurt you deeply, he knows you don't want to do this to your children. He's using it subtlie to pull you back in. Read how he feels soory for you that your parents messed you up. His words. Very mean very nasty, as good as a smack, he got you to stop, and to hurt.

All things will fall into place, they always do. How? Well.. by showing up for life, doing the next right thing, and life will unfold in front of you beyond your wildest dreams. Yes you have 4 kids and no job, but somehow things work themselves out. When I was told that I was horrified, I wanted to scream yeah right cause its not your kids that are gonna starve. dharmagurl, when I made him leave we faced horrible circumstances. Starvation was a real possiblity. Pure determination and having an attorney make X pay the mortgage for TWO years!! was wonderful. X didn't make enough money to do that, but that wasn't my business, I felt sorry for him at first but not now. His actions caused this outcome and mine and my childrens survival came first. I cut and pasted one of your messages below. andthing with three dots means I deleted a line. If you want to go back and read it all it was posted on 2/1. Hugs Cathy

you wrote:

My husband is going to drive me completely insane with this behavior..and would like to hear any input on the best way to deal with it.....

A major cause of arguments, THESE days, is parenting the 15 yr old teenage dd. ....

We call her down and he says "9:00 pm...the latest"...my dd and I were like "hey, wait lets discuss this" and he got very angry with me because I was "negotiating" with her. The more we try to discuss it the angrier he gets. .... He then comes up to me, hands flying, yelling "then don't f'ing ask me, do what you f'ing want....and when she gets pregnant, it will be all your fault"

By now, I can see through this routine....and I say calmly "P, you have to calm down" (which I know is only baiting him into further anger). Then he launches into his routine (and this is where I need advice with): he starts to tell me how he "feels sorry for me that I never had a father figure in my life to show me right from wrong...and its too bad that my parents messed me up so much".

My reaction: I stop what I am doing and look at him and say "do you hear what you just said? Do you see what you are saying is mean and hurtful?" He begins to mimick my voice and then I respond with "P, this is just getting sick that you cant sit here as an adult and discuss this with me".....again he mimicks me and then in a mocking tone say "Oh, you are just sooooo goood at communication. C'mon...teach me some of your wonderful communication and counseling skills"

Again, this goes on, with him mimicking me, mocking me...and just dripping with sarcasm. I've gotten better with not feeding into this...but it just gets my blood boiling. When he attacks me with hurtful things I've shared with him about my past...how do you counter that? I know that trying to change him, challenging him, or retorting back is not working, nor will EVER work.....but does anyone have ANYTHING that they do to walk away...any mantra? any thoughts? what?????

To make it worse, it pulls my dd right into the middle of the crap going on between us. He says I "cater and jump too much" for my dd. When I say there needs to be flexibility in parenting, ESP. with teenagers, he says I'm caving in to her, giving her the wrong messages...and of course...when she ends up pregnant, it will be MY fault.

How do I cope until I pull my crap together and get out? Do I acquiesce to my h and let him set the stupid rules...if so, what do I tell my kid when she looks to me like "why are you letting him be such a dictator and an a**?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 6:06pm
Huge Hugs dharma! It does have to be your decision, but unfortunatly in alot of instances when we stay it does more than keep us in the abuse, it shows our abuser our weaknesses and they prey upon those. I know you're scared to do this without a job, and that you are worried about your children, we do know what you are feeling. But what you have where you are now is going to become a stream of empty promises and more abuse.

Can you ask your counselor if financial help is available to you? Can your counselor work with your atty to make sure that you stay in the house and have him leave? Can she work with your atty to have him pay for the mortgage and upkeep?

It's hard dharma, it really is, but the longer you let him keep contact, the longer you let him promise you all this help but in reality not give you any, the longer he will keep you abused, confused, demoralized and dehumanized.

I personally hope you still go forward, but I will support your choice if you don't as well. No one can move quicker than they are ready for, but just make sure you aren't building speedbumps into your life either. Abusers really make us so wary of our own decisions.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 7:48pm
dharma,

I am a product of "married parents" that had many issues. Don't let yourself make a decision on your parent's lives. This is yours. Make a decision that will make you happy. No one comes to this board unless they are seeking help from what is going on. Don't base your decision on $$$ base it on your life. I would rather spend 18 hours a day making burgers for truck drivers at a drive through than go back to what I had. Think about it...nothing in life is worth losing your soul and reason for living.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 7:51pm

Dharma -


My parents separated when I was 12, divorce was final when I was 15.

CL-Blueliner4