i am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
i am scared
2
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:22pm
i just heard from my ex's sister-- he didn't get locked up yet-- they are planning against me - his mother , his boss , his so-called girlfriend. they are getting him a lawyer and fighting the restraining order - they are going to call child services on me and have the kids taken and given custody to his mother and having me locked up . supposedly his boss knows the judge who will be hearing our case on thursday and he has "conncections" and all this other bullsh*t !!! the thing that scares me the most is the child services - see i am in jeopardy of losing my water service at my home , i don't have alot of $ for food -- i am just frightened . i know i am a good mother but i am scared. i am going to go to our local police and see if i can get copies of all the police reports of incidents that have happened with him abusing me since 1997- but they said they do not know if they keep records that long . i am just sick-- i need to know what to do or who to call -- help!!!
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: trisha8175
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:27pm
Hold on a second here. Who is telling you all of this? Ex's sister? C'mon....you might as well be talking to Mr. X as she is just parroting back everything he has said to her. Honey, I understand your fear, but I really think that he has absolutely ZERO chance of removing the order OR getting custody of those kids. After you get those police reports, you need to make some calls to the United Way (Make a Wish Foundation), local Catholic churches, Jewish community centers and every single domestic violence coalition or shelter in your area (check the homepage for links) and ask them for financial and LEGAL assistance during this period. Public assistance through the government should also be able to be acquired to help supplement your income. You are right about needing to have running water and food for the children in the event social services (child protective services) comes knocking at your door. He and his mother and the whole freaking US army can plot against you, but the truth will always remain the truth -- he broke the law, he has police reports against him, and you have been the primary caregiver of those children. If they are thriving -- being feed, clean, cared for, medical concerns met, educational progress, etc.., his chance of custody is NILL. I don't know where you are at geographically, but in AZ, there are only three conditions under which your children can be "taken" (i.e. where you can lose custody) -- (1) parent is using/abusing drugs or alcohol (2) parent is abusing the children (3) significant evidence of domestic violence in the home. The last one means that if you can create a "significant" amount of evidence of his abuse, than the court is OBLIGATED NOT to grant him custody. This means, you have some work to do in order to create this significant record of abuse. You with me? A time line is where you start -- putting as many dates and details along with each incident as possible. Do it on the computer, first just listing the major events and what happened. The police reports will give you the basic timing. Then, go through all the other events that occurred where you didn't file police reports. Don't worry if you can't remember the exact date. Just try and get close. When you remember the incidents can you remember if it was winter? was it just before or after a holiday? was it in the morning? just try and put as many facts along with each incident as you can and then place it chronologically on your timeline. Next, try tape recording the next conversation you have with Mr. Wonderful where threats are being made about conspiring against you, knowing the judge, taking the kids, etc.. This tape recording of Mr. Wonderful alone, if played in court, will absolutely destroy his credibility in the eyes of the court. Also, sweetie, please know that Judges are (usually) well equipped/knowledgeable about the tactics, ploys and characteristics of these kinds of guys. If it's any consolation to you, my DX said the EXACT same things -- he was an attorney and constantly reminded me of his relationship with our court system and how I would "flop like a fish" in that environment and how he would pit his reputation against my own. In the end, the Judge saw right through him and called him "worthless" and a "loser". Your X is just trying to control, manipulate, confuse -- new day, same guy. Stop talking to all of these idiots -- his boss?? his mother?? him?? AFTER you have recorded on tape all of their ludicrous comments. None of these people are going to help you; they will only cause you more pain and fear. Why the hell is his boss involved with your personal life anyway? Perhaps you should get involved with the bosses business....I mean, depending on what he does, there are regulatory agencies that I'm sure would like to be tipped off about his questionable business practices <?>...I dunno. Just know that the road to making someone's life a living hell does go both ways. Gee, I wonder if his boss would be so involved if the better business bureau, DES or some other government agency was investigating his business. This really aggravates me, and I can't imagine why a "boss" would jump into the middle of something like this, but, in the end, it truly is of no consequence to you. I know that when I walked into the first deposition with my timeline of abuse, the opposing council and my STBX (now DX) were literally stunned (as in blown away and picking their jaws up off the table). Oddly, I didn't think I had anything to formulate a timeline of abuse until started digging through all my drawers and document drawers...I am somewhat of a pack rat and also collect all the greeting cards I receive, so I found several with DX apologizing for "hurting me" and I found a letter I had written to his parents (even though I never sent it) that described why I needed to separate from DX and what he was doing, I found poetry I had written about being abused, I found receipts for doors we had to have replaced, windows, glass table tops, etc.. These receipts and letters helped to create a timeframe for certain incidents and most of the incidents were easy to recall because my DX had excellent timing with abusing during special events and holidays (making it hard to forget getting a black eye a few days before X-mas and having to cover it with make-up, etc). There is a good deal of work in front of you right now and I can understand your fear. The thought of CPS nosing around sends chills up any mother's spine, but they must have grounds -- and, you will give them NONE. Step 1: gain financial resources through your community so you can provide food and water for your children. Step 2: take back your power and create a counter-defense based in fact and back it up with a timeline of abuse. If you have ANY witnesses who ever saw even the slightest thing, get them to provide a written statement signed by a notary public and ask them about their willingness to testify in the event you should need them to. Phone records will become important too (I.e. any calls he is making to you that break the conditions of the protective order) as will your DAILY NOTES. You MUST keep VERY accurate records of each and every contact or communication he or anyone from his family has with you. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING. When you are calling around to the places suggested above, be sure to ask for legal resources too. You're definitely going to need a good attorney and these places can refer you to free counsel or counsel that will work with you on fees. You cannot go "bare" when you have children and custody issues -- put this in the hands of professionals adept at dealing with DV/DA and custody. One last little thought, they can fight the RO all they want -- I know my DX did and he was an attorney -- but, guess what, the court is OBLIGATED to keep that protective order in place UNLESS he can, beyond a reasonable doubt, provide the court with EVIDENCE (not his words) that the order was acquired under false pretences. If you have a police report, IMHO, his chances of getting this order removed are slim to none. Hang in there Sweetie. I know this is terribly stressful, but you WILL get through this and you can take action to protect your interests. You may also want to put together a Victim's Impact Statement describing for the Judge how, specifically, you and the children have been affected by the violence/abuse in your home. ~~gentle hugs dear...keep reading and learning...reach out for the resources that are there for you during this difficult time..we're all pulling for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: trisha8175
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 7:26pm

I don't have much more to add to AZ's response, as she said it so well, but there are

CL-Blueliner4