Not Feeling So Strong
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Not Feeling So Strong
| Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:14am |
I'm not feeling so strong today. I don't know if I can do this to him. Yes, I know that for years he has "done" this to me, and he should know, but he doesn't and he thinks that he is doing ok. He just doesn't realize that the tight grip he keeps on me is what drives me away. He doesn't see it. He thinks it is ok and normal and how it should be. How can I ever do this? I know, don't look at him, look at me. But my life hasn't been bad. I'm not sure I would call it wonderful, but it certainly hasn't been bad. Why can't he just realize and leave me alone? Why doesn't he just tell me he doesn't want to be here anymore? I know that who I am when I'm with him isn't really who I am, but I don't know how to begin to show him who I am and that the real me isn't someone he likes? Because if he liked the real me, he wouldn't be so darned controlling of me, he would be more trusting. I know, it isn't really me he doesn't like. It is a reflection of his own fears being played out on me, but I can't reassure him any more. I don't want to make HIM feel better about HIM. He should be doing that. Not me.

You and me....we are in the SAME boat. I've been feeling the same way these past couple of days...it is SUCH inner turmoil. I just don't think I can file, as I had planned to...I WANT to, but I just can't yet. It feels awful...wanting another life, but feel so shackled to the one I have. I think, for me, that it is more about without an income right now.
Everything you said in your post, is how I feel....everything. Yet, I know he WON'T change...but yet, I just can't seem to leave. This is all so hard.
Just wanted you to know...you are NOT alone in feeling like this.
big hugs
dharma
ps...try to get into chat tonight....