Anyone with small children, this normal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Anyone with small children, this normal
6
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:16pm
Hi all I have a rather odd question, I left my H the end of Janurary and of course took out 2 year old son with me. Up until the time I got the TRO and went to court because of H contestesting it and the judge saying tha the TRO stands, DS had never asked about daddy. Now with the TRO H gets to have DS for 24 hours every first and third weekend from 7:00 p.m. Saturday to 7:00 p.m Sunday that is it, the judge said that is standard visitation for a child that age, (at least in our state).

So this is the second weekend that H has had him, my question is this, first of all when DS came back last time from seeing H, DS hit me, kicked me, yelled at me for like a week every time I said something he did not like. I know part of it is his age, and part of it is his problems he has. Then towards the end of the week he started settling down again and being his loving self. Is this normal for a child to act this way or is there somehting going on I shold be concerned about, as DS does not talk very well yet to say what happens when daddy and grammy (my mom)have him, as my H stays with my mom when he has visitation with DS. Also is it normal for these SOB's to never want to do anything when you are married, but as soon as you leave they have money to take the kid to the air musuem, the aquarium, the zoo etc, etc. I find it funny when we were together H never wanted to do anything or supposedly we never had the money, but now all of a sudden surprise he has all this money to do thing with DS (I have not heard that he won the lottery)! I was just wondering if I am being to weird or not. I did file for child support this week so we will see what happens with that. I guess I should get going and get my paper done.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:49pm
Angel~

While I am not yet away from my spouse, I can tell you my experience as a child from divorced parents...and what I have seen with friends. I *think* that this might come under "normal" behavior for such a young child. A 2 yr old does not have the cognitive ability to process what really is going on and under stressful conditions will act out. I know this from my own children under different stressful conditions they have done the same. A 2 year old cannot say "hey, I'm confused...I don't understand this....why is this happening"....what they do is react to situations, sometimes in very aggressive ways. As they get older and become more verbal they are able to tell you more or ask you more questions....right now, they are just trying to figure out what is going on in their little heads and then when its too much to handle they kinda snap out (ie...tantrums, hitting, yelling, etc). Not every child will react this way, some will regress to babyish behaviors....ie, wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, baby talking.

I think, though, this is something that needs to be paid attention to....as the adult, you need to take the cues from your child. Because it is court ordered visitation, at this point, you can't disobey without hurting your case. Maybe get in touch with a child counselor and ask them for some advice....maybe pay more attention to routine, which children CRAVE at this age...how are you handling the situation when he gets out of control? I'm not trying to imply that you are not handling it well...because it sounds like you are....just trying to throw out some suggestions.

As to your comment about your STBX doing all sorts of stuff with your child....yeah, that's typical..in ANY divorce, abusive or not. Men always want to come across as being the "good" guy....presents, neat vacations, relaxed rules, etc. He's probably also trying to make himself look good to the court, too. There's not much you can do about it...other than when STBX tells you that stuff is smile and say "That's great" and leave it alone. IF he knows it annoys you, he'll just do it in spite of you. Besides, I think its like the "new puppy" syndrome...its fun at first, but then it wears off. If he wasn't like this before, chances are it won't last for long. And if it does, well, then maybe your son will benefit from these moments.....though, I can't say there may be ANY benefit from a child spending time with an abusive parent.

big hugs...good luck...keep up the awesome work!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:01pm

That seems like an awfully long visitation for a child that age, IMO.

Ruth, Single Mom to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:50am

Hi, Angel.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 7:37pm
Hi I'm new to the board,

Number one question: why has the judge made arrangments for visitation before arrangments for child support??

I came on because of a relationship i have been in for the past year i should run from or stick with ....but this has nothing to do with the situation that i wanted to discuss w/ you.

I also have a 4 yr old daughter w/ another man. We have split custody and i can sympathize w/ your frustrations. although my x (that i have a kid w/ sorry a little confusing) was never abusive to me we definitely have different opinions on child rearing.

When I get my daughter back she is out of controll, it takes alot of time to get her back to normal and then its time to go visit daddy again. I think it is because he lets her run wild, hangs out w/ friends, doesnt pay much attention so she has to act up to get some? It also i'm sure a little unsettling being taken from your home and brought to another one once a week.

just wanted to let you know that i am dealing w/ a similar situation. If your x was abusive i would deffinatley be on the look out. but your child might just be taking his general frustration out on you. (i think kids are more comfortable showing there anger to mom cause they know we unconditionally love them)

It helped me alot to realize how hard it must be for my daughter ...and trying not to take it personally......also even though your child might be very young and not speak much i found that sitting down quietly w/ my daughter and talking......stating that i understood it was hard to go back and forth....when it was time to visit daddy discussing it before hand and confirming when she was coming back to stay w/ me and something that we might have planed for that time. have her help me pack her bag so she feels like she has some controll over the situation.

It all gets easier w/ time. I also have found that if i have a concern about how my daughter is being cared for when i'm not around (instead of brewing all sorts of things in my head) i ask questions. Trying not to be accusing but you have every right to be concerned about the human being you brought into this world

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:38am
Yup - totally normal. Unfortunately, this *artificial* situation of children visiting their other parent is very confusing and disruptive for children, especially very young ones like yours. I have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old, and we deal with some of the same issues. There's always a transition time before they settle back into *normalcy* at Mom's house. With my little girl who's 2 and has limited verbal skills, I try to prepare her as much as possible for the transition by letting her know early in the day that she'll be going to spend time with Daddy later. She starts saying, Daddy, Daddy, and I say, "yes, you're going to go and see Daddy. Why don't we pick out a special toy/book that you can take to Daddy's." That sort of thing. We talk about it a few more times to get her psychologically prepared for the transition. Then I explain exactly what will be happening, ie., Daddy will be picking you up today from the babysitter's and bringing you back home tomorrow. Mommy will see you tomorrow, OK? And I just keep going over and over the details (I do this for both kids because I believe they really need the reassurance and to understand exactly what will be happening logistically).

So far it's working quite well. But there will always be that readjustment period when they come back home. I go to a Separation Support group now and I hear the same thing from all the parents there. The only difference is the length of time that it takes each child to readjust. Some parents say it's a whole week before things are back to normal at *home*, others say it's a day or two. It all depends on the kid and how well you prepare them and debrief them when they come home. I don't mean quizzing them with questions, etc., just saying, *we're back home at Mommy's house now and we do things this way or that way." And just reaclimatizing them to the differences. Kids are so smart. They really pick up on this stuff quickly. But it's all about how supportive we (and hopefully the other parent) can be through the process.

Hummergirl2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:58am
Did I understand from your post that you live with your mom and when dad visits he comes to your moms house and you leave? I was wondering just how much change you son is being subjected to. Are bedtimes, meals, routines the same? That is just SO important for a toddler. Your son's reactions to this stress are completely normal under the circumstances. Everyone had good advice on handling them. Knowing to expect this kind of behavior after visitations- you can make sure not to make plans immediately afterward. Just schedule some time to help him get himself put back together. He might want to go to his room to see if everything is still there. My kids (4&7) still run right to their rooms and check on everything. My daughter changes clothes immediately. Maybe creating a ritual that you do upon return can help him cope with the transistion. All transistions are hard with toddlers and preschoolers. Having a plan and a routine established to deal with it can help. Maybe the same meal upon return, sing the same song on the way home in the car, read the same book each time before bed when he's back home... whatever works for him. Your husband- from what I have seen and heard, that's very common (mine does it too). At first I was kind of mad about it because his motives were about showing the court (and the whole community) what a terriffic dad he is (for custody battle). Then I realized that the kids don't know his motives and are benefitting from the attention regardless (except for getting over-tired and over-indulged). The kids don't even ask me to go to Chuckee Cheese, they know that at mom's it's only on special occasions and have different expectations for Dad. The most important thing you can give your son is the comfort of stability and routing, loving, nurturing care, predictable discipline (not airshows and zoo visits..those are just gravy).