Anyone with small children, this normal
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| Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:16pm |
So this is the second weekend that H has had him, my question is this, first of all when DS came back last time from seeing H, DS hit me, kicked me, yelled at me for like a week every time I said something he did not like. I know part of it is his age, and part of it is his problems he has. Then towards the end of the week he started settling down again and being his loving self. Is this normal for a child to act this way or is there somehting going on I shold be concerned about, as DS does not talk very well yet to say what happens when daddy and grammy (my mom)have him, as my H stays with my mom when he has visitation with DS. Also is it normal for these SOB's to never want to do anything when you are married, but as soon as you leave they have money to take the kid to the air musuem, the aquarium, the zoo etc, etc. I find it funny when we were together H never wanted to do anything or supposedly we never had the money, but now all of a sudden surprise he has all this money to do thing with DS (I have not heard that he won the lottery)! I was just wondering if I am being to weird or not. I did file for child support this week so we will see what happens with that. I guess I should get going and get my paper done.
Angel

While I am not yet away from my spouse, I can tell you my experience as a child from divorced parents...and what I have seen with friends. I *think* that this might come under "normal" behavior for such a young child. A 2 yr old does not have the cognitive ability to process what really is going on and under stressful conditions will act out. I know this from my own children under different stressful conditions they have done the same. A 2 year old cannot say "hey, I'm confused...I don't understand this....why is this happening"....what they do is react to situations, sometimes in very aggressive ways. As they get older and become more verbal they are able to tell you more or ask you more questions....right now, they are just trying to figure out what is going on in their little heads and then when its too much to handle they kinda snap out (ie...tantrums, hitting, yelling, etc). Not every child will react this way, some will regress to babyish behaviors....ie, wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, baby talking.
I think, though, this is something that needs to be paid attention to....as the adult, you need to take the cues from your child. Because it is court ordered visitation, at this point, you can't disobey without hurting your case. Maybe get in touch with a child counselor and ask them for some advice....maybe pay more attention to routine, which children CRAVE at this age...how are you handling the situation when he gets out of control? I'm not trying to imply that you are not handling it well...because it sounds like you are....just trying to throw out some suggestions.
As to your comment about your STBX doing all sorts of stuff with your child....yeah, that's typical..in ANY divorce, abusive or not. Men always want to come across as being the "good" guy....presents, neat vacations, relaxed rules, etc. He's probably also trying to make himself look good to the court, too. There's not much you can do about it...other than when STBX tells you that stuff is smile and say "That's great" and leave it alone. IF he knows it annoys you, he'll just do it in spite of you. Besides, I think its like the "new puppy" syndrome...its fun at first, but then it wears off. If he wasn't like this before, chances are it won't last for long. And if it does, well, then maybe your son will benefit from these moments.....though, I can't say there may be ANY benefit from a child spending time with an abusive parent.
big hugs...good luck...keep up the awesome work!!
dharma
That seems like an awfully long visitation for a child that age, IMO.
Ruth, Single Mom to
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Hi, Angel.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
Number one question: why has the judge made arrangments for visitation before arrangments for child support??
I came on because of a relationship i have been in for the past year i should run from or stick with ....but this has nothing to do with the situation that i wanted to discuss w/ you.
I also have a 4 yr old daughter w/ another man. We have split custody and i can sympathize w/ your frustrations. although my x (that i have a kid w/ sorry a little confusing) was never abusive to me we definitely have different opinions on child rearing.
When I get my daughter back she is out of controll, it takes alot of time to get her back to normal and then its time to go visit daddy again. I think it is because he lets her run wild, hangs out w/ friends, doesnt pay much attention so she has to act up to get some? It also i'm sure a little unsettling being taken from your home and brought to another one once a week.
just wanted to let you know that i am dealing w/ a similar situation. If your x was abusive i would deffinatley be on the look out. but your child might just be taking his general frustration out on you. (i think kids are more comfortable showing there anger to mom cause they know we unconditionally love them)
It helped me alot to realize how hard it must be for my daughter ...and trying not to take it personally......also even though your child might be very young and not speak much i found that sitting down quietly w/ my daughter and talking......stating that i understood it was hard to go back and forth....when it was time to visit daddy discussing it before hand and confirming when she was coming back to stay w/ me and something that we might have planed for that time. have her help me pack her bag so she feels like she has some controll over the situation.
It all gets easier w/ time. I also have found that if i have a concern about how my daughter is being cared for when i'm not around (instead of brewing all sorts of things in my head) i ask questions. Trying not to be accusing but you have every right to be concerned about the human being you brought into this world
So far it's working quite well. But there will always be that readjustment period when they come back home. I go to a Separation Support group now and I hear the same thing from all the parents there. The only difference is the length of time that it takes each child to readjust. Some parents say it's a whole week before things are back to normal at *home*, others say it's a day or two. It all depends on the kid and how well you prepare them and debrief them when they come home. I don't mean quizzing them with questions, etc., just saying, *we're back home at Mommy's house now and we do things this way or that way." And just reaclimatizing them to the differences. Kids are so smart. They really pick up on this stuff quickly. But it's all about how supportive we (and hopefully the other parent) can be through the process.
Hummergirl2