Time for Action, I think....advice, plz?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Time for Action, I think....advice, plz?
3
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:34am
Oops, sorry---i just realized i posted in the wrong section. Here goes....

So we had the moving discussion again yesterday. I don't know what is wrong with me, I do NOT have the courage to say that maybe we need some time apart. Whenever he brings it up (the potential move) it is usually when things are going well with us and both of us are in a good mood or doing something we both enjoy. He was asking and wondering where I wanted to move, that we have to make a decision soon (this also has to do with jobs), and that he would move wherever i wanted. Again, there is a small part of me that wants to stay where i am for a bit, w/out him, but then again I am terrified of living here w/out him (its a small small town, and i fear i will have noone if i don't have him, i have almost zero single female friends here). Then again, its not like 50 of my friends/family all live elsewhere together, everyone is spread out. So I am really worried about having a support network if and when i need one, although this board is wonderful there is also part of me that needs a live person to confide in and trust that is nearby. My parents are absolutely not a logical choice, I think that would depress me 10x more.

I went to a therapist two weeks ago (BIG step-first time ever), and then she had an accident and hasn't been able to see me again (just my luck!). So, anyway, its a strange predicament that I am in but I'm somewhat in a time crunch, not to mention our landlord is raising our rent quite significantly come april. As an overall, things have been going ok, except the dang outrages, like at dinner last week. I just don't get it, b/c then he gets extra nice afterwards (and i know this is deemed the honeymoon stage, but man it is hard to see through). How do you have that talk? Especially when you really AREN'T sure you want to end the relationship but think you do need some space? I have barely had more than a week TOTAL apart from him in the last three years, so you can see how this is going to be extremely difficult. Yet I would feel like such a copout if i moved again with him withough any real resolution to some of the problems. Not to mention that I had kinda kissed my aquaintance/friend a few weeks back, that is still a guilt hanging over my head that says I shouldn't make a huge committment to someone I have done this to. My bf has definitely held back on the name calling in the last week or so, but I know that is certainly subject to change. I feel that it is SO hard to really talk with him & have that "what is going on with our relationship talk" b/c I don't think he'll accept any blame, yet I know he doesn't want to break up, either.

Deep down I think i know the answer, but really don't want it to be. And what if he really IS the one for me, and we actually could get past these problems but they are just stagnant in our environment? Do you think that moving elsewhere could change things (we moved from a big city to a small town, and are thinking of moving back to a big city)? What if I decide to end it and then regret my decision, yet he then decides its over? I know i must sound pathetic but unfortunately that is how I feel. I can't stand how much I think and dwell about this whole thing.

Thanks for listening (well, reading). Again, I appreciate hearing from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:45pm

Trust me, things won't change and BELIEVE ME, he is not "the one".

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:49pm
unknown~

This is the struggle for most of us...and it seems to be esp. prevelant to those of us who do not sustain physical abuse. Many of us play the "what if..." game and we'll keep doing it until we stay. But then we stay, and then end up miserable again...and it becomes a vicious cycle. I've been doing this for 15 years and have a lot more baggage and years of conditioning I'm trying to break from. This is not to negate your experiences but to point out...if you feel this way now, after 3 years...you'll feel this way in 15. I struggled with the same questions you did 6 months into the marriage and rightly should have gotten out then.....but committed myself to staying and "working it out". I should've left...plain and simple.

Don't wait...just do it. If after 6 months to a 1 year maybe it will be different--you could always go back. But chances are when you are out, you'll realize just how sweet it is.

big hugs!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:56pm
I just wanted to say thank you for responding. i would have written yesterday but just got slammed with work. I saw the therapist today, and started crying. i hate the feeling. its weird how someone draws that out of you. and nothing is going right at work, i feel like my employees are irritated with me b/c quite honestly i have been slacking at work (and i'm their boss). Nothing seems to be going right, yet my bf and i (and one other woman) are supposed to take a trip this weekend....uggh. i hate that i think i know what i need to do, yet i just don't think i can. and my life feels all in shambles at the moment as well, i can't see anything clearly anymore.