His family
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His family
| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:20pm |
Hi all. Why is it so hard for his family to see what he did to me? They all blame me and that is why sometimes I question if it WAS my fault. Did they expect me to stay and pretend all was okay? I really don't understand and it makes me so mad. They were supposed to be my family too and they turn on me. His sisters want me to go to court on 3-30 and stick up for him. They want me to tell the judge what a great father he is and to say I am not scared of him. They think I put him in jail when it was the state that did. He is looking at 4 months. What do I do? Do I keep him out for the kids or what? Christina



Christina, go read your post from yesterday if you are having doubts about whether or not you should "keep him out for the kids".
Secondly, if you go to court on the 30th and lie on the stand, YOU can be charged with perjury.
CL-Blueliner4
Block their email addresses off your account.
CL-Blueliner4
You know what Scott Peterson is accused of doing to his pregnant wife? Do you see his family abandoning their son to side with Laci's family? No way. Your H's family is going to side with him no matter what. If they side with you then they have to admit that maybe they did something wrong in how they raised their son, which most parents don't want to admit. Plus, it makes them look bad. So just realize this and continue on in the positive direction you're heading.
And PLEASE, don't blame yourself!! That is the worst fault we women have is to always blame ourselves for what our jerky men do. Do you see them ever blaming themselves for anything??
Good luck and please know you are doing the right thing. :)
First, Christina, please "let go" of the thought that "you" *have the power to put him in jail*. You don't. There are laws for a reason, and you simply do not have the power to *put him in jail*. There is a process for a reason, laws for a reason, and no individual has the *power* to just have someone put in jail. The *system* allows certain rights and procedures for both of you, along with any and all involved. Yes, it may fail at times, but YOUR choices in the process make a difference too. Your *husband* made CHOICES, that have CONSEQUENCES, regardless of what anyone says, does, or thinks. You are not doing yourself or your children, or him, for that matter, any *favors* by not following through.
Not following through only reinforces HIM, and his abuse. This also sends a very loud, clear signal to your children--and they are learning from this experience also, more than you can possibly imagine. If and when they ever have to face consequences for their choices and actions (as we all invariably do), they will have so much confusion, it's scary.
"Keeping him out for the kids" is not even an issue here. That is your conditioning and confusing speaking, along with your still very strong "attachment" and concern for HIM, instead of using that energy for what is best for you and your children. This is not intended to be harsh, but to cause you to really evaluate the situation, so you can make the best, most healthy choices, not only for your kids, but for yourself as well.
Yes, he and his family will use your involvement with your current BF/OM/live in opposite sex relationship as a "tool" to try to shift the blame, accountability and responsibility, but that is a "smokescreen", that just "masks" the reality of the situation, and causes more problems and confusion for you...but that still isn't the "real issue(s)" that matters.
One very critical point to consider also is the involvement with DHS/Child Protective Services (whatever they are "called" where you live.) They are already involved, and you have been dealing with them--due to the circumstances. Your choices now, and in the days, weeks, months, and even years to come, could really haunt you. You are expected, as well as required by law, to protect your children-NOT him. You can and will be held responsible for those choices, and yes, the state/federal government will do whatever they feel is best for your children if you do not make the *appropriate choices* (regardless of *your reasoning*). Protecting the children who do not have the mental, emotional, or legal ability to do so is YOUR responsibility, and if you don't consider that, they *may* take that option "out of your hands".
I can tell you, these FACTS were my catalyst, along with many others here, to make decisions, in the midst of confusion, turmoil, and the results of conditioning, to make informed, good decisions, not based on emotion, manipulation by the abuser and his family, or what ANYone *thinks* is best, but by really examining all the aspects, educating yourself, on every level, taking time to make decisions when not so *emotional*, to the point of "detaching" from the emotional aspect, to what is practical, and necessary.
His family is not living your life, they are not dealing with the fallout, and yes, they have the family dynamic that supports the *abuser*, because he IS their family, even if they "treated you like family" while you were living with him. Blood is truly thicker than water, and when abuse is a factor, yes, he manipulates them too, but, he also "learned" this behavior (not minimizing the fact that he makes a CHOICE, at all, just to clarify that point, but abuse is a learned behavior and a cycle, that continues, unless changes are made-by YOU, not him-for him to make changes means he loses power and control, that he thrives upon, that he chooses NOT to make-for you to make changes means you regain control over your life, your children's lives, and your CHOICES), and you can bet your children are learning, and will continue to learn from all of this as well.
YOU can be the difference......
Best wishes and HUGS!
Let me tell you a story:
There was once a little girl whose parents divorced in 1981, when she was three years old. She stayed with her mom, and had regular visits with her dad. Both of her parents loved her very much, and were great parents. However, her mom's new husband was very verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. Her mom married that man when this little girl was only 7 years old, and she stayed married to that man for 13 years. Finally, after the little girl had grown up and could actually do something about the abuse, she moved out of her house to avoid it. She moved in with her boyfriend at the time, even though she wasn't necessarily ready to live with him yet, in order to get away from her abusive stepdad. After living with that boyfriend for two years, she married him, despite the few "red flags" she had already seen in the relationship. She thought that was just how married people acted. So, they were married for three years, during which time the abuse escalated to the point where he came very close to killing her on more than one occasion. Finally, last October, she left and is now trying very hard to pick up the pieces and move on with her life.
Yep, you guessed it -- that little girl was me.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish my mother had left my stepfather when she first had the chance to do so, back when I was still in elementary school. You have no idea how damaging an abusive relationship is to the children who live with it. I know, in my heart, that I would not have "put up" with what I did from my STBXH if I had not *seen it in action* in my mom's second marriage. My view of what a marriage relationship was supposed to be was so screwed up from the get-go, that it was almost inevitable that I would become involved in an abusive relationship myself. I just didn't know any better.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Don't stay for your kids; *leave* for your kids.
Love & Hugs,
Emm