thoughts of returning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
thoughts of returning
1
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:47pm
haven't posted any this week and i'm noticing a difference in myself. then i realized that i really NEED this board. so here it goes.

i've been doing good. enjoying my freedom and the ability to do as i please w/o confrontation. it's been great. i don't know if it's b/c i have been in such a good mode lately that i entertained the thought of counseling or that i just felt sorry for him. my h came by last night to work out an agreement in writng about visitation for our daughter. at least that is what he said. he gets there and mentions counseling. tells me he thought things would work out differently between us. how he really wants to make this relationship work and he thinks deep down i do to.

well, i didn't let him know what i was thinking but inside i was wondering, "what could it hurt?" i asked him to leave. he still hasn't given me the space i have asked for. he stopped by this morning w/o calling first. he thinks since i want him to call before he comes i am seeing someone else. then he makes acusations in front of the kids. i thought about the restaining order, but i really don't want to do that. why can't he respect me enough to do what i ask of him? i've pleading to him day in and day out to just let me know when he is coming to get anna kate so i will have her dressed and ready for him to pick up. but, instead of calling he will come by and say i'll be back in a few hours to pick her up.

i haven't even told him that this seperation is forever. although in my heart i feel as if it is. i've avoided the subject to avoid an arguement. when he asks if it is i say "i feel as though it is at the moment." am i keeping us together? hanging on to something that isn't there? i don't feel as if i am. it doesn't even feel like we are separted b/c he comes by and wants to talk and i let him in. this happens about three times a week.

sometimes i just wanna give up. go back... but, i'm not. did the thought ever cross your mind. like it would just be easier to throw all you have accomplised so far away to live in hell? i'll assure you all that the thought doesn't stay long. man, i think this is the longest post i've ever posted.

thanks for listening...

mel



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:08pm
Mel,

I truly hear you on this one sister.

"sometimes i just wanna give up. go back... but, i'm not. did the thought ever cross your mind. like it would just be easier to throw all you have accomplised so far away to live in hell?"

Yes I have felt like throwing in the towel and just going back to my h. But I havent. I think that the longer that we are away from them the stronger we become and the more that we can think clearly for ourselves. I left on Jan 22 of this year and am still struggling with the twinges of wanting to go back. I too have not had the courage to tell him that I think it is truly over with. Even though that is what I feel deep down in my heart. I think that it is just a matter of time and that we will be able to say those words and go through with all that will follow afterward when we feel ready to do that. When we have the strenght built up inside to be able to do it we will.

Think about how long it took you just to leave him. How long did it take you to get the strength to take your children and walk out that door? Somehow you did. Somehow and someday you will have the strength to make the next step. Both of us will.

I cant count how many times I have thought about going back. But I havent...and neither have you. We need to remember why we left in the first place and also to remember that it more than likely will get worse if we go back.

As far as counselling goes. I too am struggling with whether or not to actually go to counselling with him. I am thinking of suggesting that he go to a counselor for his controlling behavior first and then I might consider going with him to couples counselling. But then again I think...what is the point? I really dont feel like my heart will change towards him...what could a counsellor possibly say to me to make my feelings change after what he has done to me all these years?

If you ever want to chat just drop me an email and I will try to get back to you asap. Hugs to you and hang in there lady.

Ree