the car and decisions

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
the car and decisions
5
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:52pm
Hello ladies and our fluffy bear. I took a few days away from the board because I have been so tired lately...but I have missed you all. Frankly I also feel a bit depressed I guess. My husband took the car on Sunday. We have been discussing it for a month and he never tried to actually talk to me he just told me that he needed a car and that he wasnt paying for a rental for him to go down to school and that he was taking the car. He and my mom discussed this behind my back...even though they will deny that it was behind my back...about how I will get around now that he has the car. I am using my moms car at the moment. My parents have 4 vehicles but that isnt the point. I just feel like I lost a battle and again he proved that he has power over me. I also found out that he lied to me about having to pay for a rental car...his office would have payed for it...he just probably didnt want to tell them that he needed one...and he probably just wanted to have power over me and take my car.

I went to a Dental Academy today to have a look at the school. It is small...just a few rooms. I have been thinking of taking a 12 week course with 3 weeks of on the job training to become a Dental Assistant. But I am so unsure about doing this. It is almost 5k dollars. I am not sure of what a Dental Assistant makes or if this would be a wise decision to go into this much debt. I would have to live with my parents until June and I really do not want to do that. I am so unsure of what to do but have to make a decision about that in the next day or two. Go to this dental academy or just keep trying to find a job and hope for the highest rate of pay that I can. I feel like I dont have much to offer an employer but I have to hope that I can find a job that my son and I can live off of.

I have still been having twinges of wanting to move back with my husband. I think it is more because I feel like maybe I could have done more or I feel like my son would be better off if we were with his dad or I dunno. Maybe it is just my mothers voice in my head putting doubts there. And his voice. Sometimes it is hard to sort out my voice from theirs. To know what is the right thing to do...to know what the next step is to take. This is very hard but deep down I feel better to be away from him. Heck he is still using control over me and still trying to have power over me. And I guess that I am failing in that regard...of having no contact and moving on. I dont talk to him all week but then I have to take our son to see him so that he can see his dad. I dont want to keep ds and h apart. Sigh.

What surprised me this weekend is that my mother was very supportive of helping me with the money to go to this school. And she actually started going through the house and telling me what extras of hers I could have for my apartment when I get one...my old bed and then another bed that she has on the porch that my son can use. She even offered to help me with rent money once I get an apartment. But she also asked about any court dates that I might have with h. I have not filed yet. I am just not ready to start legal proceedings yet. I dont know why but I am not...not yet for some reason. I dont know what I am waiting for but I just am in a way afraid of going to my lawyer and telling her to file.

I know that I am getting stronger though. On Saturday I confronted him about calling my mom on friday after I had left his house(I had been there to feed my rabbits and layed down on the couch because I had a horrible earache/headache and fell asleep to wake up to him walking in the door 3 hours early from work). I had planned on being gone hours before he got home but oh well. My mistake. Anyway, He had called my mother right after I left to ask her about the car(according to her). When I told him he didnt need to call my mom and that he could have just talked to me he said that he wanted to find out how I was doing(mentioned nothing about the car)...that I never talked to him anymore and he needed to find out about me. I told him he could have asked me about the car and he said that we have been talking about that for the past month. So who is telling me the truth or are they both just leaving parts out?

It just boggles my mind how he thinks sometimes...and it never occured to me in the past that the way he thought was wrong. How could I have not noticed? How could I have accepted what he has done to me over the years.

Now I notice when he tries to tell me something that he is convinced is reality and I know otherwise. I am starting to not let him talk me into believing everything he says. I am starting to see and not accept that some of his behavior is not good for our son or me. Like this past weekend when my son wanted to play the old old Nintendo...duck hunt...and it was too much effort for my husband to hook up the cables and fidget with the nintendo so that he and our ds could play together. He doesnt see him all week and his son is begging him to play nintendo and he wont do it. Next time I am going to point that out to him. How callous towards our son he is.

I have also been thinking of suggesting that he go to the shelter for counselling. I dont know if it will do any good because my husband doesnt see himself as an abuser. He has never hit me...never called me names really...but he does have major issues with control and isolation and things like that.

Honestly I have no romantic love left for my husband...I hope that we can stay friends or friendly for my sons sake. Just the thought of sleeping with him ever again is something that is so very distasteful to me... I hate to say repulsive but in a way it is. Actually I feel right now like it will be a long time before I want to have a romantic relationship with a man. I like looking but actually starting anything beyond a friendship right now just is not anything I want. I need to fix what is broken in me first.

Well. I have rambled enough. Hugs to you all and thanks for "listening" to me.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:19pm
ree~

Big hugs, honey! I connected with soooo much in your post. Though I don't have much to say as I am struggling with having to decide to file by tomorrow...I just want you to know that I think you are doing the right thing....and you do too. When that "deep down voice" says its over, its over. I keep trying to ignore the voice, but she's YELLING these days. Even if my h made all the wonderful changes, the voice will not quiet....its too late. Also, without meaning to offend, be careful of Mom....she's seems to side with your h a lot. I just wonder if this sudden "helpfulness" isn't a ploy to get you to feel comfortable and tell her stuff so she can run back to h and tell him. But then again, I'm highly suspicious these days....lol.

Good luck! And I'll try to post more later!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:05pm
Ree,

Let me take a moment and thank you for your post, you have just made me feel so normal I really want to cry. I have been away from hy h a month now and have been going through EXACTLY what you describe and to know I am not alone fills me with so much relief it is like a giant burden has been lifted. i especially understand what you said toward the end and I was wondering if I was the onl;y one eho wondered about this stuff and now I know it is normal.

You know what though? The whole time I was reading your post I was picking up strong vibes, I mean I can tell just by the way you talk you are going to survive, not just survive you are going to flourish! You are a strong woman to have come this far for you and your son and you will succedd because that is the type of woman you are. You have helped me realize that each of go through a provess, you see yuoreself getting stronger, standing up to him and taking each step as it comes.

Have you checked out employemtn opporuntities for Dental Assistant? If there is availability I would take the course, if not perhaps find something that there is a lot of in your area and try to take a course in that. I am certai n you will find something to support you and your son.

I applaud your ability to see through your h's tactics, isnt it wonderful to finally see them for who they are? We avoid this when we are with them but once we are away it is overwhelming what we let them do to us, everyday I think of soemthing new and I write it all down so that if I ever feel weak (fat chance) I can read about the awful things he did do us. I also am coping with his rejection of us, of how me and thekids gave him our hearts, our world and he has chosen to be an angry mean and violent man. It hurts that he wont love us, mostly I hurt for thekids and the father they wont have but they have me and I will love them enough forever.

Stay strong Ree and know that your story has touched my heart and had helped me to continue being strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:59pm
Huge Hugs Dharma and thanks for the support and all the kind words. I am so glad to see you finally taking the steps that you have wanted to for so long.

Hugs,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:11pm
Aww Luv. Thanks so much for your post. Huge hugs to you. I left my husband January 22nd. So we are about the same timewise for being apart from them. I think I am going to go and sign up for the dental assistant program tommorrow. I have called around and done some checking and think that it will be a good thing for me to do. I couldnt find anything about statistics or how much in demand dental assistants are in this area but the program does have a job placement assistance. I called the BBB and they have not had any complaints against them in 3 years. I tried calling local dentists but frankly most of them dont have someone just answer the phone you get to push buttons and talk to a machine. But I did get ahold of one office and the lady that answered had gone to the school I am considering. So I dunno I think I am just going to do it and pray that it works out for me. It is alot of money but I have a feeling that I will be able to find a job after I complete the course...which is 12 weeks and then 90 hours of on the job training. I also am delivering phone books for some quick money. It is hard work though hehe...but I am not afraid of that. I also got a call from a local garden center for a job interview next Tuesday. I dont expect to make much there if I do get hired but hopefully I can work there if they hire me and go to school until June.

I am glad that I could help you in some small way...mostly I feel like I am just venting on here and dont really feel like I am helping anyone but myself hehe. Hugs to you and if you ever want to email me to chat or whatever feel free to.

Ree

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 8:45am
Hugs ree! It's good to hear the strength building in your posts! Hopefully you will be able to further distance yourself from your h and start finding a happier life!

Please be careful in your confronting him on most anything. More times than not, by confronting our abuser, our abuser will take what they hear and use it against us. Your Mom should not be talking to him about you either. It's apparent he's trying to find a new tactic to win you back or force you back. If he has no right to the car, don't let him have it, you might just lose it. Abusers are very good at wounding our healing by supposidly mistaken acts. If you need your car, if the car is in your name, he'll just have to find another one to use.

The more you try to be nice, the more likely it will all come crashing down on you. Also, sending him to seek counseling at the shelter is not a good idea! Let him find anger management counseling through state or city resources. If you ever need to use the shelter for yourself or someone you know, then he knows where it is located. Let him find his own healing, mainly because he will not want it anyways.

Keep working on yourself, but start being alittle more discreet in what you are doing. Don't foil your own escape by giving your abuser the map.

Hugs