too aggressive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
too aggressive?
6
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:59pm
MAN this is tricky ...

Did you who have gotten out of an abusive relationship - or are trying to - ever feel that your friends became impatient with you for staying in the relationship or find them being a little too agressive in trying to help you get out and see how wrongly you were being mistreated? Didn't it just make things worse?

I think maybe I am being too .... agressive about it. I really don't want to be because I know it will only make him defensive. And having yet another person being aggressive is the last thing he needs. He so wants to believe there is nothing wrong, backtracks by saying "ah it isnt a big deal" saying that it's "not the same" because she's a woman, and he's a man. Well obviously he is more capable of defending himself physically, but so what?? is it "OK" to beat him when she's jealous because she is a woman? is it not just the pure gesture of it that matters? i mean, thats like saying it's ok for small weak men to abuse their women, or that it's ok for men to abuse tall and muscular women.

How can someone love you and care about you and then beat you repeatedly until you are badly bruised?? Do these two things EVER go together? Is it possible that she will calm down once they are more settled and she feels more secure? will she stop checking up on him, grabbing his phone off him and nagging on him endlessly until he gives in to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 6:11pm

Well, we know that male abusers very rarely change, and I suppose that would hold true for female abusers as well (BUFF!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 6:45pm
Thanks for your reply blueliner.

I did read the 9 ways to help a friend, and I'll read it again. and again :)

Here's what frightens me... she went for him once, pounded on him and shouted (dont know what she shouts at him) and he tells me that he´ll usually "endure it" and put his arms up infront of himself. and this time fought back and gave her a slap across the cheek and - this is quite shocking- SHE was shocked and hurt and asked him "why did you do that?????" as if it came our of the blue!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 7:10pm

It happens to women, too.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:27am
That's what I was thinking,that she might get him in trouble if he fights back for real.

I mean, she was shocked he did this.

Hm.. she is some piece of work. Here are some facts

- she has lied to him about trivial things in order for her to look better

- she flirts with men herself and maintains relationships with them (I know other men that know her), yet he is not allowed to speak to other women

- she cheats on exams and finds it funny. at a degree level - not just highschool stuff.

- she has lied to him about me in order to make me look bad


and trust me, i dont know the half of it


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:21am
My goodness Missice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 2:29pm
you are being a great friend. but, your friend is making excuses for her actions. something i noticed in your first post. he is going to have to realize this is abuse before he can make a step away from her. i wish there were something you could say to him to make him uunderstand, but it's just something he has to figure out himself.

this is what my friends told me. they didn't say much, but when they did they kept it to a minimum. told me i could do better then him, i was an amazing women who deserved everything life had to offer, and all he was doing was keeping me sheltered and holding me down. now i hear all about it now that i have left him. things they wanted to tell me, but didn't want to interfere. just by stepping away a little and letting me see things for what they were helped me tremendously.

stick by his side. he will not forget you or what you do say.

mel