This is just AWFUL......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
This is just AWFUL......
8
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:02am
So, I told my h that there are no if, ands or buts about it....I'm filing, this morning. Since last night, he has been begging me to put it off. I've told him that there is NO reason to put it off. This morning, he was sobbing, on the floor on his knees, begging for another chance. I told him that he had 7 years to prove to me that he could change; he's had 7 years to show me that he can treat me respectfully and decently.

You see, in 1996 during our 3rd attempt at marriage counseling I decided to leave. He begged cried and sobbed that he would change his controlling ways. And he did--for 1 year. And its been downhill since then, and its done nothing but leave me mentally, emotionally, spiritually spent....I have no more to give to this marriage and have told him.

I feel just awful with him begging and crying but for the first time...I feel nothing. Not love, not hate. I am sorry for him and have told him that I'm not trying to hurt him but I need to be away from him. I told him that I'm sorry he hasn't seen this before...and I wish he would have had all this mind over the past 7 years when he had the opportunity to change how he's treated me. I still don't understand (and have told him so) that how can he even want me when its apparent that he doesn't like who I am? I've told him (and really mean it) that I think that deep down he is a good person and he has many wonderful qualities...but he has some stuff to work on and I can't help him with that....that maybe this is what he needs to really work on it, the kick in the pants to really look at himself...but that I can never also trust him again...there are too many hurts and too many years of this to ever recover from.

And strangely enough, for the FIRST TIME, I feel a very gentle calm within...and I feel strong. Its weird because I'm afraid that maybe I "like" having this power and control over him....I'm trying very hard to be compassionate because I know deep down he is hurting....but I'm also trying to stay present and not take on his hurt and pain.

I'm calling the lawyer to tell him to proceed with the paperwork to begin the divorce proceedings. I'm terrified and calm at the same time.

And deep down I know its time to go. Keep me in your thoughts, please, and say prayers that I can maintain the strength

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:49am
Oh Dharma I am so proud of you...and so very happy for you that you had the strength to do what you know in your heart is right. You ARE a strong person and you did it with class and compassion towards him...which is more than he has given you all these years. You can do this and it will work out for the better for you and your children. Hang in there and as always if you ever need to just vent or chat to someone I am only an email away. Huge hugs to you lady and I am praying for you and your girls. You all deserve to be happy and free.

Love,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:00am
Oh Wow Dharma.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:29am
Wishful,

when you said:

"Something in you just snaps and you tell yourself, enough is enough, I'm not going to do this anymore, its time I start fighting for me now."

That was just perfect. I would love to use that as a quote. It so perfectly sums up what happened inside of me and I am sure alot, if not all of the other women on this board when they decided to leave their abusive partner. Huge hugs to you lady. I just wanted to let you know that sentence truly touched me and struck a cord inside as truth.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 12:04pm
I think it hit me around early August.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:51pm

Wow, Dharma!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 2:57pm
To all who have responded....a resounding "thank you". Yes, wishful...indeed it was much like you said "something just snapped". About a week or so ago, I just woke up with the feeling of enough is enough, it ain't gonna change and I'm wasting time trying to fix it.

I have been so calm, cool and collected--its very odd. Whenever he tosses something at me, some barb, harsh words or accusations, I just throw back....very calmly "its too bad you didn't think about this BEFORE" and reiterate that its done, its done, its done.

He came home for lunch today...and asked if I made the call, which I replied that I did. He fell to his knees again, sobbing, apologizing for abusing me, begging for my forgiveness. Again, I said that I forgive him, but its still done. When he continued to sob and cry, I just took his hands, looked him in the eyes that he CAN do this, that he MUST do this for the kids...and if he EVER loved me, then he would set me free.

So, he alternated between crying, sobbing, slamming things around, accusing me. Hey, I KNOW where he is at...btdt for 15 YEARS!! But still, I'm trying to be compassionate because he is hurting....but I have a feeling, I'm in for the long haul. After this sad stage...comes the anger--THAT'S what makes me nervous. I have my "safety" plan set so in case he really snaps out, I'm ready to fly.

On a good note, however, when I called my attorney to give the official go ahead....I asked him if he knew any of the Judges I had interviewed with (I had 2 separate job interviews at different places, same courthouse). Lucky me...he knows BOTH of them. He asked me to send him my resume and he would personally speak to them and see if he couldn't help me along. (I do know, however, that his ultimate motive is for him to get me a job so I can pay him....but who cares? as long as I get the job, right???)

I'll try to keep you all updated...and please keep sending positive thoughts and prayers...this is sooooo hard.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:54pm
dharmagurl,

You are experiencing what we all do when you know you have absolutely reached your limit. It is like walking on fire but once you reach the other side you feel nothing but sweet freedom. The night before I left I cried until I thought I could cry no more and while Iwas afrain i still know I would do it. Once the something "snaps" inside you it is almost as if you cant turn back.

I too was like you I could not love him and I did not hate him but I do have compassionfor theman I know is in there somewhere, however, i will not put myslef through hell waiting for him to re-emerge. I still pray that he finds the strength to do what he needs to do but I have removed myself physically and emotionally from him and it feels so good to know that I do not need to live my life around his anger and his threats. the strength you will gain just by knowing you have done the rihgt thing will suprise you. Each step you take makes you stronger, trust me.

Min has cried sobbed, begged, hinted at suicide even but i know these are tactics and I refuse to be weakened. I think of it seeing myself willinging be taken prisoner or volunteering for torture, no way, when I can have a life free from hurt and neglect and anger. You are strong and will be so much happier for doing this.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:00pm
Stay strong dharma - I know it is a difficult road, but that calm within you is telling you that you are doing the right thing.

My thoughts are with you -

Pam