h seeing someone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
h seeing someone else
5
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:11am
me again. i'm getting the feeling that my h is seeing someone else. we haven't been split up but for about a month. not even divorced yet. he really has nothing to lose. i have the house, the kids, and all of our possesions. i should say my things since i brought everything we ever owned into the relationship.

he tells me he has met someone. he told me her name was shelly and he met her at a bar. then she went home with him the first night. i remained calm until he told me she and he spent the day w/our daughter. then i said, "WHAT!?!!" then he said he was only kidding. i thought to myself, "about which part?" i tried to reach him last night b/c anna kate needed diapers. i called twice then once this morning and neither time i could reach him.

i'm scared. i'm scared i will take this and run w/it in the wrong direction. i'm afraid i will get jealous and say i want him back. right now i don't feel as if i will, but who knows how i will feel tomorrow or the next day. i keep having dreams about him w/another women and i wake up feeling confused and upset. so i can only imagine how the real thing will effect me.

how can a man so unstable find happiness in a relationship? he can't even be w/himself. is he just telling me these things to get me back? does he have intentions for saying these things or is it really true? is this another one of his sick games to trick me into falling back into his arms? is this another tactic abusive men use to trap you?

if he is seeing someone else, can i handle it?????? never been here before, have any of you? i don't want to move on. i think i have to find happiness w/i myself first. to know i won't attract this type of man again. b/c i could easily move on w/someone else, but i won't. can i survive this alone?

mel



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:58am
Yes Mel, you can definitely survive this one on your own, and so have a lot of us as well, including myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:05am
First of all Mel....breathe. Take a deep cleansing breath in and let out some of your tension when you exhale. Sometimes I try to visualize a good flowing in with the air and all of the bad flowing out when I exhale. I like to attach colors to the visualization too sometimes hehe. Maybe its corny but sometimes it helps me. =o)

"if he is seeing someone else, can i handle it?????? never been here before, have any of you? i don't want to move on. i think i have to find happiness w/i myself first. to know i won't attract this type of man again. b/c i could easily move on w/someone else, but i won't. can i survive this alone?"

I think you are right Mel. You have to work on you first. I have not gone through this yet(with my husband saying that there is another woman) but I feel exactly as you do about having to work on myself first before I even think about having some type of romantic relationship with a man again. And I think that is for the best. We have spent so long taking care of everyone but ourselves that we have lost us... lost who we are in the process.

I think that this could be a tactic to try to get you back. To hurt you and to try to make you jealous and maybe to prove to himself in some sick way that he is some kind of man that can still get a woman. I dont know. The thinking of these men boggles my mind and to try to figure them out is just pointless sometimes. I think that we need to start taking back the control of our own lives and not let them pull our strings so to speak.

Can I ask you a few questions to help you think about this? Why did you want him out of your life in the first place? Has that changed? Is he truly showing you that he is a good person/better person/someone who is trying to change for the better by what he is doing now? Maybe go and check the list that was recently posted about how to tell if he is changing. If he is not changing then think to yourself why do you want him back? What are the reasons? Are you feeling insecure about yourself? Afraid about your future? etc. Sometimes it is hard to come up with these answers. I know sometimes I just feel something and am not sure why I am feeling it and I have to think and search myself to find the answer. Sometimes I dont come up with one or I just dont want to see it right then. But thats ok. We are all working through this and it is a process. I just hope for you that you do what is truly in your heart and not something that you have been pressured or manipulated into.

I can totally understand the pang of jealousy. You have been with this man for a while and thinking of him with someone else is certainly going to cause some emotions in you. BUT remember how he truly is...and listen to your voice inside, not his. Dont let him manipulate you. Stand strong and do what YOU want to do and know that we are here for you. You are not alone. If you ever want to email me feel free to.

Huge hugs to you,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:33pm
thanks for the advice. i appreciate it. but, i think i'm going back anyway. okay, bad joke. i'm not going back. promise!!!

when i walked away from him i thought, "this is it, i finally did it!!" well, that's only half of the process. i didn't put all of these things into consideration. i guess you never know what to expect when life itself is unexpected. that's why i'm glad and thankful i found this site and i have you guys.

oh and i might use your words. go jump in a river, or was it lake? hey, i could tell him to jump in front of a speeding bus. that'll do it. j/p

but, just wanted to say thanks...

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:38pm

This has happened in similar fashion to a lot of people who have posted here.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:14pm
BTDT. Stbx wantd to know the 'rules' for having overnight guests around the children the first week we separated. He's dated countless women in the last two years, 5 of which he considered long term (over two months ) The current one, owns a condo but, I think, from what the boys say, she rents it out and lives with him. I don't know.

The first two gfs after separation, Chantelle and Candi, were women of colour who 'danced' for a living. Unbelievable, considering the disgusting racial slurs that came from him and his family. I was always in trouble for speaking out against that. I discovered after separation that there were several gfs while we were still together. The one he was with when we separated, dumped him just after that because she only dated married men! Two of the gfs, including the current one, apparently look very similar to me(well, what I used to look like. I recently decided I prefer being the brunette that God created rather than the blond that tried but, never could, please her H) My biggest concern was getting tested for stds's and waiting for the results. Talk about nerve racking! As long as they do not hurt my boys, I don't really care who stbx is with. If she's occupying him, I get left alone.

As for your situation - If she'd go home with him from the bar, the first night they met, she's obviously not that picky who she 'pucks', if you know what I mean.

I met stbx when he was 32, I was 30. Every gf before me was a victim starting in High School(spoke with/heard of 7 of them) I was definately a victim. Every gf after me has been/will be a victim. It is not any of us women! We range from 'Peelers' to Sunday School teachers. It is not any of us! It is HIM! He'll put on the "good guy show" but can't stay in character and eventually the stage lights go off.

You are doing the right thing. Get tested and keep looking up^, Susan.