what is wrong with me??
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| Wed, 03-10-2004 - 12:56pm |
Okay it has been a while since I last posted, update... I filed for divorce from my Abusive husband on Jan. 6, 2004. While he was supposed to get served he skipped town and went and visited his cousin and we couldn't find him, he left me with all the worries of money etc... Okay he is e-mailing, calling, Text messaging me not to leave him he spirals into this deep depression he is crying all the time, so I agreed in Feb. to call the lawyer and work on things. Well in the meantime, I am feeling bad for him, I have went out and had two one night stands (if he found out about he would literally kill me and the guys I did it with). What does that say about me, I feel like this horrible person. I can't even explain to you. While I am also in therapy, reading all these books, about abuse and finding myself.
Okay so then, we try to work on things, mind you I am still living at my parents and he is living in our house. Things don't go so well. We start off only seeing eachother on the weekends. Friday night usually went well. Saturday nights, usually went bad ended in a fight or he got mad or I got mad. First fight was on Valentines day he was mad because I told him he couldn't spend 2000 on new rims for his bike. So valentines day we ended up not going out. Because he didn't know when we could hook up. Following weekend Friday went good Saturday night we were supposed to go out but we had our first counseling session and it did not go well, he said me and his counselor were ganging up on him and he just didn't want to talk. We drove separately thank goodness. So he sped away all mad. Okay he called my phone like fifty time and I finally answered and said listen every chance I give you something seems to go wrong. I don't want this anymore. To be honest I haven't really loved him since we got married which was Sept. 2001. Sounds so warped but I feel like I stay with him because I just can't get anyone else. And if I do what if it just ends up like this relationship?? And I had to start all over.
Okay, so I go away for a week for a business I get back on Sunday and end up going over to our house, because I was so jealous my neighbors told me that he had a party every night over there. So we end up having sex. Then things were great for the whole week, but part of our problems are obviously his anger problems. And the fact that he drinks too much every night and all the things he has done to me like kissing people in front of me, pushing me dis respecting me has been done when he is drunk and he says he wouldn't do it if he wasn't drinking. Well every day literally this month he has been going out drinking. He goes out every night and he has even been putting his job in jeopardy going out and coming into work late. He says I need to come home so he can work on our issues. And I say what issues? And he says me and you. I say well the whole reason I am not back is because you have done nothing but control your anger towards me and put up an act of you doing things, such as counseling, but what is he really getting out of it , they are talking about our marriage not his anger or drinking problems. He says he won't go out anymore and he will really concentrate on our marriage and our life together, if I just come home. I don't want to come home though but I don't want to loose him. I am so sad and so confused and wish that life was easier.
I am so confused, I know no relationship is perfect and he is promising me a good life, and I haven't been a good wife either, so maybe we both deserve another chance. HELP ME what should I do or any insights things that I might be over looking would be great. If you need more information ask I will tell you everything. Please help me though. Thank you, Christina

First off, if you don't want to go back, DON'T GO BACK.
CL-Blueliner4
Love & Hugs,
Emm
I kid you not...I was going to email you later this afternoon, wondering how things were going...and then your post.
Honey, I'm so sorry for all the pain you are in right now...but understand, this won't change. Read my posts, read anyone's post that has been in this for years and years. It doesn't get better....it doesn't go away. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.
I'm finally ending it after 15 years and my h right now is the crying, sobbing, begging stage. I feel no hate or anger towards him, but nor do I feel love. Its more like a compassionate indifference. He fails to recognize the pain he has truly caused me, but yet I feel compassionate towards because of his pain. Its hard when you haven't been married all that long and don't have years and years of hurt built up that eventually just kill off any hopes.....but then again, it also makes it easier.
You know in your heart which direction to go in....find the strength to just do it. And if not now...you know we'll always be here to support whichever direction you choose. I know from experience, just how difficult this is.
big hugs~
dharma
ps...stop beating yourself up over the one night stands...its done and over with. However, try to stay away from all relationships, heal yourself and figure yourself out. blueline had it right about happiness from within.
'The pick on me hour' is what stbx used to call our counseling sessions.
You know, deep down that he will not change. This will not change. Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.