please help, considering leaving..scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
please help, considering leaving..scared
6
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:48pm
Hello, I am new to this. I have been married now for almost four years. I am 27 years old and very confused and depressed. Not sure what to do! We have no kids together or with anyone else.

Here is my story and if anyone could please give me some advise.....

Somtimes when my H and I fight he ends up pushing me around, slapping me in the face and sometimes even chokes me. He calls me the most horrible things I have ever heard before. He is mentally draining me telling me how stupid I am, name calling terribly and he also questions my religion... belittles my family. It is killing me inside as a person can only take so much. He continues to tell me he doesn't mean the things he says and it is all out of anger. I have tried to tell him over and over how these things make me feel. I have no self esteem. Often I do stick up for myself when he says mean comments.. but that just ends up with me locking myself in the bathroom. He also says I make him get physical with me. I guess sticking up for myself is no good for him. I am really thinking about leaving him... after taking this for over 4 years.
Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:58pm
Hey purplepe - huge hugs to you - you are definitely in an abusive situation. He has pushed you and slapped you and choked you! You DO NOT have to put up with that. Nor do you have to listen to him put you down. You do NOT make him get physical with you, he has a choice that he can make - he is choosing to get physical. This board is fantastic for support and encouragement. Check out the homepage, read and learn. Listen to your gut and what it is telling you. Don't get caught up in his tangled web of lies. It is all about his power and control over you - to keep you where he needs you to make himself feel better.

Welcome to the board - you'll find a ton of help here.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:08pm
Welcome to the board dear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:09pm
first i'd like to say welcome. you came to the right place to vent & to get advice.

this man is killing you on the inside and will continue to do this until you leave. verbal abuse can be worse then physical b/c you can't see the scars and some ppl ignore it. but, you are getting it on the physical end to. this man needs help. but, you can't help him. he has to help himself. you can talk or excuse me try to talk to him until you are blue in the face and nothing will work. maybe for a little while but he will always restort to these tactics. these ways of dealing with his anger. it sounds like he is trying to blame you and his anger for his ways. but, it isn't your fault. you are just a victim to his abuse.

"i have no self esteem"

this is what these men want. you have got to stand up and take care of yourself. take your life back. dont let him make you beleive you are something that you are not. this is a sickness and i wish you all the luck in your journey to freedom.

please come back, keep posting.

hugs,

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:39pm

ACK!


Welcome Purple -


I wasn't much older than you when I left, and I had been with my XH for about the same amount of time.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:18pm
i thought i was reading about me. i have just got out of a relationship with a person who had temper tantrums,that went into swearing throwing things name calling etc.i also dont have kids and decided enough already.you only live once.i filed for divorce.it went from name calling,to threats of suicide,to belittling family to threats of killing me and my family to physical abuse to drug use and blaming me for it,to bringing a loaded gun in my room while i was sleeping and pointing the barrel at himself and trying to get me to pull the trigger.i actually wondered if i was going to get out of it alive.i was one of these women who made fun of women who stayed in relationships like this and here i was doing it and not even calling the police because i didnt want anyone to know what was going on. how stupid.i finally got help from a friend who seen the bruises on me and managed to have him thrown out,.its not over yet but i sleep at night knowing i can without too much worry. get out of the relationship before it gets worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:34am
RUN and don't look back! Like everyone else has pointed out, yes this is definitely an abusive relationship. It is so easy to slip into before you know what is happening. There were many times I felt like I was living my own Lifetime movie. I am 31, have 2 kids, and finally left for the last time last January. We met when I was 23, were married for 6 years before I left. I tried to leave a couple times but kept going back. I have been out now for 14 months and I am sorry that I didn't stay out the last time I left when I was 27. You are very fortunate to not have any children, I have 2 and it makes the situation that much more confusing and complicated. Cut your ties and get out.

Make sure you go to this board's homepage and read all you can about the tactics, cycle of abuse and the effects. He is cutting down your self esteem so that he can further control you and make you feel like you are nothing. If you are nothing, then you will soon believe that you actually deserve being treated this way. You DON'T deserve this. And the one thing that took me a LONG time to realize and understand is that they actually CHOOSE to treat us this way. Think about it, we control our own actions and words, you don't hit something unless you make the concious decision to hit something. You certainly wouldn't hit someone that you love. This is not love, it is control. The conditioning effects are in place and it will only continue to get worse as time goes on. The tactics will change and the abuse will change through the years, but it will always be there. This is who he is, it is his personality and he is not going to change. Save yourself and make a fresh start while you are still young. Someday you will meet someone who will love you unconditionally and without abuse. You DO NOT want to have children with this man, not only do they abuse their wives, most times they abuse their children also.

Be sure to post as much as you need to. I credit this board to my survival. If it wasn't for the support I received here, I don't know that I would have left - or at least not as soon as I did.

Good luck, and welcome. You are among those that understand and have been there.

jenny