what's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
what's going on?
4
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 2:40am
I don't know if my situation is relationship abuse. I don't kow much of what is going on, all i know is too much of the abuse sites are ringing true.

I moved in with a male room mate that I had previously dated a year and a half ago with my dog. It was established that I did not want to date him because we lived together. He started making it difficult for me to date and made advances on me. Eventually i gave up and we dated. He demanded sex quite often, but I have had physcial problems making it uncomfortable for me (pain) so I didn't want it as often as he. Eventually we agreed on a "couples night" once a week or so. It was fine, but sometimes I didn't want to have sex those nights. He demanded we did anyways. Often i caved in and did even though I did not want to, even after telling him that I did not want to ahve sex. I don't kow when it started happening, but at some point he began pinning me down, groping and other things even though I told him not to. The pinning me down would persist even after I told him to get off, repetitively. He thought it was a joke. We moved again and things didn't get better. If I did not want to give him the sex he demanded, even if I told him I didnt, he'd start fights and blame me for "making promises that I didn't intend to keep". Even if I did not want sex he insisted on it. I can not count how many times I have said "I do not want to have sex with you, but fine." I foolishly got a second dog, which in return he demanded more sexual favors for having her around. He blamed me for many things, always saying i was a bad person or lazy. Eventually he began to threaten to kick me out of the place if I did not "keep him happy". He had convinced me not to be on the lease because he said that it wouldn't matter. He always told me because of that he could call the cops and get me kicked out and have my dogs taken to the pound. Sometimes I antagonized, sometimes I caved in. Often he would use threats to get his way. I broke up with him, but could not afford to move with my dogs so I stayed but got my own room. He kept asking for sex and using threats to get me to do what he wanted. Throughout all this, i often was given the thrid degree about going out or convinced not to. It came to a head one night when we had an arguement and i went to my room. He wasn't finished so he started banging on the door. I pushed my bed against it because he unlocked it. He often would bardge in. There was quite a struggle with me screaming for him to leave me alone while he tried to beat the door down and push his way in. I finally gave up and forced my way past to try to leave. He stopped me and i had a nervous breakdown. He went through one of his "good guy" times. Eventually I have gotten away from the sex, but he often threatens to kick me out of my living place. My best friend moved in with us, I thought her presence would help things. Now he uses her as leverage. She doesn’t know. Some days he's nice, others he picks fights or blows up about things. Always eventualy threatening me. Another instance he trapped me in the bathroom, blocking the door for an hour until I had to force my way out. He’s knocked my dogs to the side before and threatened to send them to the pound when he “calls the cops to get me taken away”. I’m getting smart sometimes. A couple of times before he’s alluded to physically hitting me. Tonight he threatened to hit both of my dogs, even talked about hitting me again. He even raised his hand to “make me flinch” and told me he could “beat the crap out of me and there would be nothing I could do about it”.

I can’t afford to move out. I have been trying but no one will take me and both my dogs. I will not leave without them and they are the most important thing to me. I don't want to lose my job by moving away. I’m afraid for my friend, not her safety but her getting kicked out as well. I feel trapped and helpless and I’ve been told it’s my fault many times. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have been led to believe I’m so horrible to live with and that I’m lazy and that I don’t do anything. I hate being home. I lock myself in my room. I have one friend that knows and has been telling me to get help.

Someone help me.

everphoenix13@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:26am
tailipoo~

BIG HUGS, Welcome to the board, and Congrats on finding the strength to start looking at the abuse. That's the nice stuff....here's some thoughts, that might seem harsh, but really, are not meant to be:

*Please, get find someone, ANYONE to take your dogs...if you don't he'll might just end up killing you...and where would your dogs be then?? Find a temporary place to put them or have enough love for them to let them go. This man has repeatedly raped you....he has shown that he has a TOTAL DISREGARD for your emotional and physical well being...that is one big, scary red flag.

Call your local women's shelter, IMMEDIATELY. They will help you strategize to get out and get free. You are not married, so that makes it a *little* easier.

He will NOT CHANGE, he will continue to threaten you with everything and anything he knows how to do.....because he wants to CONTROL you...and he is, right now. He has you exactly where he wants you....fearful to make a move. But here's a secret--he's afraid because he knows that you have the power to leave him and to regain control...and to a control freak, there is NOTHING more frightening than losing that control.

This is without a doubt abuse....do not doubt yourself or your situation. Call the shelter. Call your family or anyone that might help you out.

Honey, I know you love your dogs...but PLEASE, LOVE YOURSELF MORE....you deserve a better life then your dogs!!!

big hugs---keep reading, keep posting

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:56am
Oh, hon you need to get out ASAP. This man sounds like a complete monster and will stop at nothing to get his own way. Yes, you are most definitely in an abusive relationship. He is using sex and money to control you. You don't have to give him anything - especially your body.

I have heard that sometimes the shelters know of people who will keep your pets as a foster home until you get on your feet. Call your shelter, talk to them about your situation and about your dogs. THey might be able to help. I know you love your dogs, do you know of anyone that will watch them for you temporarily? Maybe you could try and find a home for one of them or both. It is hard and expensive to find a place that accepts pets, especially dogs. What about this friend that moved in with you, can the two of you afford to get a place together? I would hate to see her become his next victim after you leave...

Please reach out and ask for help. Chances are most people don't know what you are living with and would be more than willing to help if you needed it. Reach out and call the shelters, talk to friends or co-workers that you trust. I moved to another state with my stbx, and my co-workers became my family and I relied on them and stayed with one of them many weekends.

Keep posting as you need to, there is a wonderful circle of support here.

hugs,

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:27pm

Hi Taili and welcome,


Dharma and Rock are right on in what they've said, but I just wanted to mention one other thing -


It does not matter if you are dating him, living with him, or if he is a complete stranger, anytime ANYONE forces sexual contact on you when you have stated NO can be classified as rape.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 3:18pm

I agree w/the others on here.