another long week
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another long week
| Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:37pm |
I found out monday at my theropists a diagnosis that finaly makes sense to me and I feel so very alone with it. It totally freaked me out. DID = Dissaccociation Identity Disorder. I am reading a book on it - "Stranger in the Mirror" Dissaccociation. I am a very poor reader but I am trying, I am taking only 1 page at a time. I almost made the biggest mistake ever, I almost explained it to my husband. Monday in her office she brought it to my attention, what a shock in one sense but in another its almost a releif. It is a name to what happens to me, words that I can not express right in front of my own eyes. I ended up crying again in her office - she explained to me that this is very new in the last few years and is not a well known or accepted in the pysciatric field yet. She also explained only a few in our area deals with it, everyone else is full accept for her. I feel so blessed that she made that call to me. Monday as all this was going through my mind like a freight train my husband came home from work having a very bad day. I thought things were going so very well, we actually sat down and talked about his day and I was very attentive the talk was actually very nice, it felt so good. Than he started with me about why I felt I needed to go to counseling again, I started explaining-its my childhood issues, I though I delt with it but I have not. My sister is going through a really bad time right now and I explained that to him. He asked me why all of us have so many "mental" problems. I explained to him well obviously we have been abused. He started defended my parents wihch hurt. I tried to tell him you cant do this, he did it again. I finaly said to him this is why I need to go to counseling. I can not talk to you about this sorta stuff. I went into the garage to get my barings came back in and said to him "I am sorry, it is not you, it is ME" and I left it at that and went into my bedroom to lay down. Couple minutes later he came in going off on me. Why is it everytime yiu go to counseling "I'm the a@@whole, I am such a jerk. Yeah I know I'm the a@@whole and he kept going. I couldnt say a word. I honestly thought we left on good terms. The tears started to roll, I couldnt tell him, I felt so alone. I coudnt expalin this awful diagnosis that I have been told to ANYONE and my husband is telling me names that I NEVER CALLED him and upstet because I am in counseling again. I feel so very alone with this diagnosis it is so scary and frighting to me. 2 days later my mother calls me up here she is going in for heart catherization with at least 70% clogged. I feel like such a bad daughter to her lately.....I am on overload and no one to turn to

What an insensitive lout, your H.
CL-Blueliner4
Huge hugs to you hon. Isn't it wonderful to have a name for what you've been experiencing? But I also understand the fear that brings about. keep talking with us, and read about it on line as well. Take that book a page at a time and before you know it - it will all make sense. Slow and steady wins the race!! That's going to be my philosphy from now on. It has taken me so long to get to where I'm at, and I'm no where near the finish line!! So, slow steady steps, it's ok to fall backwards, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again - because you will be fine and you will get to where you want to be!
Sending all sorts of good vibes your way,
Pam
It's good to hear that you are starting to learn what not to tell your h. He is only upset because you are starting to see him for what he is and he does not like it.
I know you are feeling all alone in this and in your instance where it's not only abuse in your marriage but in your childhood also, in a way you are as long as you let it continue. Ask your counselor if she has any support groups that you could attend. If you can start to find new friends outside of your family, then hopefully you will find other women who feel the same way and you will then find that you aren't as alone as you first thought.
You have a hard path to follow karate, but you have begun the healing and I pray that you continue. You have been kept in a very abuse sheltered life and have not had the opportunity to explore the world, well your time is coming!
Don't be scared of crying as it is a sign of healing, a way of your body allowing it to let off stress in a safe way.
You're gonna make it karate, all of it, from many degrees of black belt to happy woman with a new lease on life!
Stay strong karate!
Any time yoy post her you are trying to do better for yourself. Don't stop ever. Cry, vent or whatever you have to do. Here you are being totallly honest with your life and wnat to impoove. Don't stop now. That turn around the corner is the sharpest darn corner you will ever take in your life...I know, because I am at that corner right now. It's really sharp. Reading your post just made that sharp curve a little easier to handle because of you. Keep trucking lady....it's got to work. No one you know in the world will truly undrestand what you are dealing with unless they have been abused theirselves.
You are doing great, focus and you will be fine.