Foolish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Foolish
1
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:19am
last night i did something so stupid and just rediculous. my h asked to come over and i said okay. knowing what he wanted w/o saying i still didn't refuse his offer. i wanted it to. or at least i thought i did. once he got there all these bad feelings surfaced. all the good things i had been thinking about the last 2 days were suddenly gone. he came to me and started trying to kiss me, to touch me, and i felt disgusted. sick to my stomach so i pushed him away.

we talked about how i felt. i finally told him this was it. i didn't want him anymore. i had no faith in him, in us and i just wanted it to end. he told me he wouldn't let me go. i told him i had already labeled him as an abuser and there was nothing he could say or do that would change my mind. then he tried to blame me. telling me it was the way i acted that caused him to treat me that way. blah blah blah... i knew it was coming. i took none of it to heart and let it go. he kept touching me and i for the second time asked him to stop. then he said come in here so we can have sex. i said no!!!! then he gets up gets his keys and slams my front door. then spins wheels out of my driveway.

i made a mistake by inviting him into my home, into my bed. i feel like i just took a step backwards. i feel like i'm just so confused and i'm stringing him along.

once he was there i coulnd't do it. i couldn't feel for him like i used to. like i thought i still did. it was so weird and disturbing. all those feelings of love that i once felt were suddenly replaced w/feelings of hate. i felt sorry for him and bad for feeling that way. i was mad at myself for making him drive all the way out there and i couldn't do what i knew he expected from me. it was a moment of clarity. one i thought i'd never see.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: imel240
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:44pm

Mel, it's OK.

CL-Blueliner4