Honeymoon phase is over AGAIN
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| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:22pm |
Now, I am confused and not sure how to go about things. I finally got a job after being laid off since April, that is the good news. The bad news is, it doesn't pay very much and it is 3rd shift, so I have to have him stay with the kids at night while I'm at work. Saves money on a sitter, but not so good for setting myself free from him. Plus, I am only an indefinite temporary unless I can get them to hire me permanently, which would of course pay much better.
I'm having some other problems, though and I'm not sure of what to do. We have a couple that we have been practically best friends with for the last 13 yrs., we did everything together, including vacations, dinners, they are my son's godparents, our households were like extensions of each other. The problem is that they have known I was unhappy for awhile, but he showed them how he actually is around Thanksgiving. That was their first TRUE taste of his behavior. As a result, they are basically disgusted with my H (as am I). The man wanted to tell my H about it, but was concerned with him taking it out on me and so restrained himself. But, of course, it has made things awkward between us all. They keep trying to act like things used to be, but they can't seem to act like they don't know anymore, which is fine, I'm glad they are concerned for me, I need all the help I can get. My H, however, has decided that they are acting differently for an entirely different reason that has nothing whatsoever to even do with my H, but that he is making all about HIM, as usual. As a result, he says things about them constantly and tells others that they hate his guts and tells me that they are hypocrites because he did nothing wrong to them and he basically puts me in the middle of it all because I know what is really wrong and I don't know if I should tell him or not or if I should just let the guy tell him himself. Plus, I have a feeling that he won't believe either of us anyway because once he decides what is going on in a situation, you can't make him see it any other way. My other dilemma is that I don't know what to do where the other couple is concerned. So far, I have been telling them the things he says and does, including what he says about them. I have done this for 2 reasons. First, because he tells anyone that asks the same thing, and since we have the same friends, they will hear it eventually anyhow. Second, because usually when he goes on a rampage about them it is in the midst of breaking plans with them and I don't know how else to explain it to them when he leaves them hanging and leaves it up to me to let them know we are not going to do as we said we would. But, she made the comment the other day that my telling them drives a bigger wedge between them and him and that the really hate him for who/what he is. So, now what I didn't actually think about before has me worried. I don't know if telling them is the right thing to do and I'm not sure if I am telling them for the right reasons. Maybe subconciously I am trying to drive a bigger wedge between them so that they stay on "my side". I don't know. But the entire thing just adds a whole new stress level because she is one of my closest friends, the person that I have always confided in about EVERYTHING! Now, I don't know what to do anymore.
Our 10 yr anniversary is next week. We are going away overnight because I could not get out of it without it becoming ugly, but I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to be romantic with him, all of my desire is GONE and he almost makes me physically ill when he touches me. To make it worse, he showed up with my gift a couple of days ago. Something that I wanted for a long time, but doesn't mean anything now. He broke my engagement ring about 8 yrs ago and then it got lost before I could get it fixed. So, he went out and bought me a very expensive 5 diamond engagement ring for our anniversary. Of course, he brought the box in and tossed it in my lap, so romantic! But that was actually better because it kept me from having to find an excuse not to get all giddy and teary eyed over it. I don't want this now. I'm not even sure we can afford it now. Where was it when it had meaning for me? Now it just makes me want to cry about what I don't have. I went to a wedding a couple of weekends ago and the couple was so in love it was so wonderful. They just sucked you into it, it was one of the most romantic, wonderful weddings I have ever been to. But, it made me a little jealous (but still incredibly happy for them because they are great people)and it made me sad for what I thought I had, but never did. He disappeared for an entire night again the other day, came home at 6am after having been at "some party at someone's house he doesn't know". What married 33 yr old father of 2 does this? He does this every couple of months, sometimes more frequently. Plus, he got mad at someone again and wanted to go after him with his gun but couldn't get to the person. He says he is just going to let things die down so that suspicion will be off him when he gets the guy. I don't know if he would actually do this of not, he had threatened it before and so far hasn't followed through with it, but he has an unhealthy obsession with it. I don't know what to do, but it is very scary.
I'm sorry this is so long, but like I said, I am very confused and need some advice. I don't know what to do or how to act. The only thing I can think is what fate caused me to have to worry about such a thing? Why does this have to be something that I have to deal with and learn how to handle. I know I am not alone, and I am thankful for everyone's support. None of us deserve this.

Big hugs, honey! I *know* how you feel...truly, btdt! So many, many times.
I know about the whole "think positive and it will be positive" theory....btdt, own the damn shirt. I also got really darned tired of people telling me, "man, you're such a downer" or "you're always negative" and I WAS because I was living WITH HIM!! Its hard to explain the abuse when none of it is physical or blantantly verbal....all the control is very hard to explain because its insiduous...but the effects, I find, are MUCH more damaging. Its called crazy-making for a reason.
Congrats on the job....and keep looking, too. As long as you have some money coming in...as long as its not causing more stress...it will be good. Hopefully you'll become perm. soon...or something else will open.
As for the other couple....well, at least they see things for how they are and who HE is. I know the 'dilemma' about telling them what is going on, and the your friends reaction to not wanting to hear it....I've dealt with that A LOT. Its so hard to try to explain to people why or why not you can't do something and then they say they don't want to hear it.....I think its just for people in non-abusive situations that a) they have NO concept what is going on, so maybe there is SOME disbelief or b) its just too hard for them to deal with because they see, to some extent, what is going on and they are powerless over the situation.
Oh, and the ring thing....yup, I know that one too. For Christmas one year, he bought me a 1 carat diamond annivesary band....absolutely GORGEOUS and VERY EXPENSIVE. That began the "year of the LIE"...when he said things would change...and they did for ONE YEAR!
Now that I've announced that I am divorcing him, that there is no more wiggle room or room for negiotiations.....he's doing EVERYTHING I've asked him to, but its TOO LATE. There's nothing left. Eventually he'll see it....and if not, too bad.
I know what it feels like...that its too much bear...but I also firmly believe that God never gives us more then what we can handle...and if we are going through all this, apparently THIS is what we can handle. I don't know if it makes sense....but it helps me somewhat.
I just wanted to let you know, you are NOT ALONE in this, your feelings or the situations you have to deal with.
big hugs
dharma