I could just cry I am so upset!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
I could just cry I am so upset!!!
7
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:41pm
I am so upset and I have so much going through my mind. My jerk boyfriend or ex I guess I should say is up to his old tricks again. I told him I wanted to break up and leave last night so all night last night and all day today he has been a jerk. Yelling at me, threatening me, calling me names, saying horrible things to me that he knows is going to upset me like me having to put my cat to sleep. I hate him. I just packed up a bunch of his stuff and I want him out of here, but I know he will not go without a fight. He will do whatever he has to just to get back at me. He just came by and I wouldnt let him in but I know he will be back. I hate this. Im so stupid. I have done this before with him and my dumb ass takes him back. This is my place, he doesnt pay for anything and he says that hes not going to go. He tells me to leave my own apartment. Hes not on the lease and he doesnt even live here. The jerk got kicked out of his friends house and stupid me tells him he can stay for a few days till he gets another place, well like 4 months later and hes still here. And he even brought stuff over here thats in my closet because he had to get it out of his friends place. I told him I didnt want all his stuff here so he brings it over while I was gone. Now if I call the cops he is going to say he lives here and I cant do anything about it. If I move his stuff outside he will call the cops take his own stuff and tell them I stole it. He is like this. I cant do anything. I dont even like calling the police because I know he will make me out as the bad one. He has slapped himself before and told the police I did it so I would get arrested. Im so upset , I dont know what to do. I have nobody to help me because this has happened before and I cant call them because they will be so mad at me for letting him back in. I have nobody, Im all alone and Im scared of what hes going to do next. I just know hes planning something right now. I know it. Im not paranoid either, this is what he does. I cant leave because if I go he will break in and take all my furniture. I think hes doing drugs Im so scared he has put something in my place and then if I call the police he will tell them its mine. He has told me he would do that before. I want to run away so bad. I want to leave the state to get away but I have no money. Im just going on and on because Im freaking out. I need to calm down but I cant. I dont know what to do. Its too late to go get an injunction which wouldnt help anyway because I have tried that before and they could never find him to serve him. I wish I was dead right now. Except for my cats I have to take care of them but if it wasnt for them I wish I was dead. I cant do this, I cant handle this anymore. Im going crazy.

Melysa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:06pm

Calm down, Mel!


First off, if he is not on the lease, and you can produce a copy of it, the cops will side with you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:52pm
I thought about calling the resident manager tomorrow. I know they could get him out faster then I could. This is private property and hes not on the lease so they would get him for the treaspassing like you said. And he would have to leave. The only problem is they might evict me for this. They were just bought by another company and the staff is all gone. Its a whole new staff so I dont know any of them. The other girls were nice and I knew them since I lived here for 2 years. In my lease it says something about letting someone stay here for over 7 days or something like that. Will be cause for eviction. Im afraid to tell them whats going on and then have them turn around and evict me. So I dont know about doing that. I dont have anywhere else to go. I dont have any money to move or get another place right now. Otherwise that would be perfect.

Maybe he will just leave. I doubt it but maybe he will. I know I need to change the locks because I know he has a key. I never gave him one but Im sure he stole it once and got one made. Can you believe that Im around a person like this. I even know how he thinks. What is wrong with me. Im calling a counseling place on Monday, this is crazy. I need some serious help. I have gotten out of this before and swear Im cured and wont do it again and now look at me. Right back again. I am calm now. At least for now anyway. Until he comes back and all hell breaks loose. I just hope he stays at a friends tonight or something. Im so sick right now from stress. My tummy hurts and I have a headache I dont want to deal with anymore of this tonight. God please just let him stay away tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 5:25am
Hi mystikraz, I am so sorry what you are going through believe me when i say as many others will, that i understand exactly what you are going through.your bf sounds like the classic abuser and 99.9% percent of what he is telling you is pure idle threats.remember verbal as well as any other abuse is a way to control their victim and it seems from just what i read in your post that he knows what to say or threaten to do to make you afraid and there for try to make you submissive to him. I could be wrong but from your post i get the feeling that this guy doesn't have a job and if this is true remember that desperate people do desperate things and he feels he has you brainwashed and will do anything or say anything to keep his free ride going.my advice would be to go to your landlord right away and explain the situation they can put a stop to him coming on the property. i know laws are different in every state but where i live the property owner has the right to do this.they can get a restraining order preventing him on their property.mystikraz please if there is anyone you feel you can go to for support either family, friend pastor counslor do it. people like you bf and my husband try to make us feel so bad about ourselves and ashamed {i think it is a way to keep us isolated} so we are to embarressed to turn to anyone for help.there is nothing to be ashamed about or embarressed because we loved someone, what is a shame though is when we let that one person destroy EVERYTHING about us.this person is not more important then you for you to even think about death to ecscape him. { no matter how hopeless you may feel right now}. maybe i am crazy but my husband did the same things to me for 17 yrs. and finally i came to the conclusion that i would rather take on the court system them spend 1 more day having to deal with that S.O.B and in my case i called his bluff he never went through with one of his stupid threats. {i am not talking threats against your life cause if he ever does that you have to take those serious and call the law right away, never try and call a persons bluff with your life}. good luck and God bless to you.*****rayner63
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 8:06pm
Im a lot better today. He didnt come back last night so that was such a relief. And yes he doesnt have a job. He hasnt been an equal partner since the day I got with him. I should have seen that in the beginning but I was never in a relationship like this before so I didnt know the signs. But now thinking back I can see them all clearly! I think Monday Im going to the court house to get an injunction. He did come by today and hes in that mode of Im sorry, I love you, I dont want us over BS!! I wouldnt let him stay. He wanted a change of clothes so I got some at handed them to him through the door with that hotel lock thing I have on my door. He wanted to take a shower too but I wouldnt let him in. Then he says you know I could be a jerk, I could have came back last night and stayed. But I was being nice and stayed away. Hes like I could get in now if I wanted to but Im trying not be a jerk. Im like oh your so sweet thank you so much for being so nice to me. Then I said go ahead force your way in that will look so much better when I call the cops. So he was like thanks a lot Melysa thanks a lot and left. Like its my fault. Hes the one that threatens me all the time. Im so sick of the reverse psychology BS. He always turns everything around on me like Im the bad one. Poor him he has no place to go, poor him he has no place to take a shower. If he wasnt the way he was he would be here now watching TV but hes the one that did this to himself. They never take responcibility do they? What is wrong with these men? Why are they like this? Do they know how they are? Cause he says Im the abuser and Im the one that manipulates him. he says that I am a control freak. I wont let him use my car so he throws tantrums. #1 he has no DL because it was suspended. #2 its my Moms car and if she even thought that he was driving it she would take it away. #3 Its my car, in my Moms name but what makes him think he has the right to drive it? He has no job, no car, no place to live. You would think someone like that needing someone so bad would be a nice person. Would want to do anything for that person for giving them a nice place to live. He wont help with the bills, I have to beg him to do anything like clean. He hardly ever does that and I dont think I should have to ask for these things. He should want to do them. But no not him. He acts like this is his place and everything is his. I would never go into someone's house and have them tell me to go and sit on the couch and say no Im not leaving make me call the cops. That is so disrespectful. He acts like a child. He throws 2 year old tantrums and hes going to be 30 in like 2 weeks. Im so sick of him. Just thinking about him makes me sick. What a loser!!

Melysa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:18pm
Hi mystikraz,

Remember how bad you are feeling now, and never, ever forget those feelings! You are worth so much better than that! He has nothing to give you but more grief & misery! Don't be afraid to take the necessary steps to make sure he can't come back into your life uninvited! I am praying for God to give you Strength!

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:22am

Hi Mystikraz… He’s not on the lease and he doesn’t live there, he has manipulated and bullied his way into your home, claiming that it’s his home, and he is blackmailing you with threats that he’s going tell cops that he lives there and that you stole his stuff among other threats to your safety and security.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:46pm
Dear Melysa

I hear your cry for help and understand it all to well. I have realized that i am in an abusive situation. I have come to terms that i am an enabler. I have helped make this happen by continually allowing this person back into my life. I had 23 years with my husband.He packed his bags and left for a women he worked with. For some reason as mad as i was i felt such a relief when he left but did not understand it.The months that followed were hell. Although he left me he called me to put me down blame me for everything that has happened. He called me to tell me he scored with this women. Was that not nice of him. Any way i pulled myself together went back to school, got my children set as my youngest was just finishing high school. Started dating and had the most wonderful summer of my life last year. Then all of a sudden my husband stopped the divorced and focused on our marriage. He moved back in and i am in a living hell. As i talk i am completing the divorce and moving out of my home. Material stuff is not as important as i am. My husband tells me he loves me and i am important has he goes off for the weekend to lay this other women. He is verbal and we are moving into physcial abuse. He can not stand that i am taking control of my life. He is on a control and power trip like your ex. They need to feel superior over us. We are so much better than this. I kept taking my husband back for the sex and the fact we had history together. You know what i replaced sex with battery operated toys and i am much happier. History is exactly that, history. I am not whoring myself to my husband to win his love back, I will not lose any more self respect because of him.

Now here is what you need to do. Not sure what kind of job you are in. Check to see if they have a counseling agency that will help direct you as to what you need to do to start protecting yourself. You need to start looking out for number one. You need to know you are important and this jerk is getting off controling your life. Go to a priest, counselor or domestic violent group through the local YWCA all of them will help with no money. GET HELP NOW!!! Don't wait for him to make the next move. You need a good support group and let me tell you there is no body better than girlfriends. But if you have exhausted them because you keep taking him back that should tell you something. They are wise and were looking out for you. We often are afraid of being lonely and no one will want us. That is nonsense and that is what they want us to believe. You need to find yourself and enjoy life. There is nothing wrong with being alone.

I read a book on the floor today at borders, it is in their self help section. It is called Abusive Relationships. Go to a book store and ready this. You can do it there. Do not have to buy it but what a rude awakening you will have. You need to take your life back and stop letting him control you. My life was in this book. Everyone thought the world of my husband. He had it all. But behind close doors the mental abuse continued. He would engage the teenage children into putting me down. Making fun of me. When he left me for this women he told my children 17,19,24 all about my past who i had sex with and things i blocked out of my mind. He trashed me so bad to justify what he did. I was so stupid to let him back. But i am not over him and know that he will never change. Let him control this other women. Thank god she is there to take the pressure off of me. I am out of here.

They can be so nice, they treat us real sweet as they know our weaknesses. As soon as they get what they want our life becomes hell. Don't let him in. Get his stuff packed up. Change the locks and get help NOW!!!. Take action you can do it. Women are stronger than men. You as i have just had a lapse of bad judgement. It is the woma who stands up for herself and reclaims her life that will be stronger.

TAKE ACTION FOR YOUSELF AND KNOW THAT HE WILL NOT CHANGE AND THAT LIFE WITHOUT HIM WILL BE GREAT...lonely at first but once you get going there is a world that will open up.

I have plans once i move out which is in a few weeks i am putting together a group of women who have been in similar situations for a support group on dating, finance, sex, families and traveling...What better way to go on with life....

You can do it...

Ann