when will i stop?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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when will i stop?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| Sat, 03-13-2004 - 6:46am |
Hi everyone, i haven't posted for a couple monthes and here i am in the middle of the night feeling like i just slid down the moutain i had almost climbed to the top.the last time i wrote i had left my H of many years and my son and i got our own place. i started feeling like a real person again.i felt freedom peace and stability and i am afraid i handed all those things back into my husbands hands again. this is really not an excuse but because of only 1 car and some other things i have had to have more contact with my H then i had wanted, like he works graveyard about 1 mile from my new house and he will pick son up for bus in morning stay his house till son gets home then bring son home and sleep at my house till time for work. i can't change sons school so he has to go to old bus stop at H's house.the last 2 monthes things have been pretty good {i see the old ways occasionally} but he has been quick to stop himself for the most part. lately i feel he has gotten way to comfortable at my house and is slowly trying to take control. i mean dumb things to most people like when we lived together i was never allowed to open my curtains he seems to like dark, so when i moved in here the first thing i did every morning was open my curtains this small thing gave me much pleasure and made me feel independant. well i am slowly finding myself opening them later and later when he is here and this makes me very mad at myself.i rent a duplex that my parents own and they live on the other end, they never told me H could not move in they said that they could not put up with his verbal abuse to me {they are older and not healthy} plus why should they have to listen to him.anyway lately he has had his mode {my word for his bad mood} more frequent here then before and i feel even more stressed then before because i have to make sure he doesn't say things where my parents can here him.{ GEE what is wrong with this picture?} as i am writing this i feel such hatred and disgust for him.he kept talking about us living together again and i won't lie i have been tempted but if honest with myself terrified to let him in because i know he will not change for good . i have been pondering this daily, i keep thinking money wise how nice it would be cause money is tight on my own, but then i think no cause no amount of money is worth damaging my 14 yr. old son anymore then he is or myself.my mom comes over everyday and i like this i want her here and lately he has made little comments about how often and what time she comes or he will start doing little things i hated from living together like cutting out coupons and leaving them in piles all over my house, okay so maybe thats not a big deal but it is to me it drives me crazy. or i start saving change he just takes my change jar and dumps it into his big one and everytime he gets mad and goes home so does my change. he says the change is from his hard working money anyways. he will scream that he will not live here with me and never coming back but be packing up our clothes to take them home to wash {i tell him to leave them alone} cause my washer dryer is still at his house.it's like he will freak out about once a week and takes my clothes as hostage like it is his ticket back into my house.i am sorry this is so long and jumbled together, my mind is so tired and just starts racing.i could go on and on but i won't. the bottom line is this ,he has to move out {he can't afford other place after mid april}and has no one but us we are his family and i know he expects to come here and the main reason i can't let him is that he still is throwing in my face how it is my fault we have no money cause we are now paying 2 rents 2 electric 2 water bills etc. etc. he doesn't even admit the reason i had to move in the first place. why won't he take accountability?? he is the best guy 75% of the time but that other 25% ruins it all. he says he knows he can be a verbal abuser but he is trying {why should someone have to TRY not to abuse the person they are suppose to love?}anyway thanks for reading this ,i just feel that i have back slidden and i do not want to lose the ground i have worked so hard to gain. why can't he just go away and move on with his life cause i don't think i could live with myself if i let him back in to live with us and most of all i don't think i could look my son in the eye cause i think he would lose any respect he may have for me. he says he doesn't care either way if his dad lives with us so i guess that should tell me something right there. God bless*****rayner63

I wish you lots of luck. It makes me so mad to see all of us women getting fooled and abused by our spouses. Be strong.
It sounds like instead of getting out, you just moved houses.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you