Is this relationship abusive? a bit long

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Is this relationship abusive? a bit long
6
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:36am
Hi all. So maybe this is an odd question, but I'm having a hard time with perspective these days, mostly because I am quite unhappy in my relationship, I think. First, let me set the stage for the present before I give history. DH has been working a graveyard shift for about six months. First job he has had in five years. His schedule doesn't mesh well with mine and that of our three children, 10, 7, 4. Should note that DH had a very abusive childhood, alcoholic father, passive mother, verbal, physical, mental and at least one incident of sexual abuse by a neighbor kid. In the 10 years we've been together, things have been kind of cyclic. Things are good for a while, then he gets nasty for a few months. Then something really bad happens and I finally have a long talk with him and he promises to get anger counseling but never does. Things stop short of him actually hitting me,per se. However he shoves, throws things/threatens to throw things in my direction, breaks things, calls me lovely names, accuses me of having affairs (which I never have). When we were first together, he would freak out because I didn't want him to spend every weekend at the club with his buddy. Both times I was pregnant it got bad. With my last one he shoved me in the stomach a couple days after I came home from the hospital after having a c-section. Once about 4 years ago, in the middle of an argument, he grabbed one of the shotguns (I can't truthfully tell you whether he was threatening to shoot me or himself.) Our son saw that one and talked to a counselor at school. That was by far the worst incident. I would say in 10 years, there have been about five of these cycles.

I should be fair and note that I am not one to let things go, and do not back off of an argument, even when he tells me I should. He says that if I will just leave him alone that these things won't happen. I could do that, but it would mean accepting his behavior that simply isn't appropriate.

On a side note, I also feel like he is way too physical with the kids, especially our oldest, a boy. He doesn't beat him or anything, but his way of dealing with bad behavior is grabbing faces and yelling, pushing, grabbing arms and dragging to the corner. I don't at all agree with it and am troubled to see our son exhibiting similar behavior toward his younger sisters. I also just found out tonight that my son lied to me about a split lip he had a while ago. He didn't want to tell me the DH did it because he didn't want us to fight about it. I guess that's what's prompting this post.

Anyway, what do all of you see in this description. I grew up in a very mellow, traditional, well-adjusted kind of home and all of this seems way out there to me. But perhaps I have idealistic visions of marriage. I could use any advice you can offer.

Thanks much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:37am
Welcome mg,

I suggest you go the the board homepage and take the abuse quiz. This will give you the validation you need to determine whether you are in an abusive relationship. There is also alot of good reading there too.

At my 10 year point in my marriage I was like you and tried to fight the tide of abuse and manipulation. You are not wrong to do that. You have a right just like any other person to stand your ground. The only problem you will probably find is that you are standing your ground to a brick wall.

Your children are young and if he is having trouble dealing with them at this age...look out. It will only get worse.

Again welcome to the board. You have just made your first step to a happier life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:33am
Hi honey! My initial reaction while reading your post was identification. I also grew up in a crazy, dysfunctional, alcoholic household. I emerged from that setting with absolutely no communication skills and no ability to cope without taking it out on someone else. I've been in therapy and addiction for recovery for a long time, and for the first time in my life (I'm over 40!) finally understand how to behave in a relationship. Your H is probably struggling with the same crap. Don't underestimate what growing up in that kind of environment can do!!!!

That being said, however, it's HIS responsibility to get some help. Therapy, anti-depressants, whatever he needs. Clearly, you can't be expected to survive in this kind of situation. Is it abusive? Yeah. Seeing the difference in myself since I started my long journey of recovery from growing up in an alcoholic household, however, if his childhood is driving his anger he is only going to be able to learn better communication and coping mechanisms by working very hard on addressing his ghosts. This will require dedication, commitment, and facing some very uncomfortable (if not downright heartbreaking) parts of his past. It isn't easy. I've been in this process for about 8 years now and am only now reaping the benefits. If he's not willing to do that, however, he's going to stay the same and continuing treating his current family inappropriately. And if he's not even willing to face the fact that his childhood is creating this total unmanageability in his current life, you're out of luck.

We all carry the scars of our childhood, some of us have more to heal from than others. But its no excuse for acting out in your current, loving family. No one deserves to be the scapegoat or the punching bag for what your H's family and others did to him long before he knew you. Best of luck, honey!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board, mgnorth.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:09am
Thanks for the responses. I can't honestly say that I feel better about the situation. The last one about made me cry. It's very difficult for me to even consider that my marriage is abusive because intellectually I know what that means I must do. I don't think my DH will change. He gets angry when I suggest it, in most cases. And I have considered marriage counseling, but I'm not sure how much good it would do if he doesn't get counseling for his personal issues first.

I still have deep reservations about divorce, for mostly practical (who will fix stuff around the house) and philosophical (marriage is permanent) kinds of reasons. I've always been an overachiever and am having a hard time shaking a feeling of failure in all of this.

But, then again, if a friend came to me and said her husband was abusing her, I would definitly advise to run for the hills, so...

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:56pm
Welcome to the board honey. You know, the "failure" part was the hardest thing for me too. I had never failed at anything in my life....until my marriage. I, too, was an overachiever and had always accomplished pretty much anything I set my mind to do. I was bound and determined to make my marriage work -- hell bent. I was certain I could do it. And damn if I didn't try and try and try again...for nearly ten years I tried and we did "everything" -- couples counseling, individual counseling, separations, he began medication for depression, promises, tears, apologies. I loved this man to death. I still do, but he, like your husband, is an abuser and, unfortunately, the probability for change (even with very intensive domestic violence therapy) is very, very low (less than 1%). I know that this is a devastating blow. I know how it feels to have to contemplate throwing away the "dream" of a happy, well-adjusted family...to be a statistic, to admit that you are living with abuse. It was horrifying for me and I'm sure you are feeling these things too. Despite what you posted about him not being physical with you, I beg to differ. Did you know that you can be prosecuted for assault for pushing someone? It is a crime and it is punishable under our criminal justice system. The shotgun story sends chills up my spine and the busted open lip of your son makes my heart ache. Sweetie, I know you love your children and you could never be called a "failure" for providing them a safe environment to grow up in -- it is the very greatest gift a mother can give to her child. This board can, literally, set you free and provide the steps toward creating that "well adjusted household" you were given. Don't you want to give this to your children too? I know that this was the main motivator that overcame my fear of failure and perhaps it will provide you with it too. I'm so glad you found us and I hope you will stay with us a while...~~gentle hugs and support your way
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:19pm
Huge hugs to you Mq. I think that this is abusive. I know that sometimes it is so hard for us to see what is happening to us as abuse. Sometimes it is so difficult to accept it and to name it for what it is. It is especially hard I have found or noticed...for those of us that have emotionally or verbally abusive significant others. A person that is hit and gets a bruise can point to the bruise even days later and know that the physical abuse happened. When we are in these emotionally abusive relationships it is difficult and too often we are left wondering exactly what happened and left with feeling a sense of responsibility for what is going on. We have the illusion that we have some control over the situation and that we have a part in causing what is going on and that somehow someway we can change things. And in trying to change things we lose ourselves...we change ourselves while they keep being who they are and not changing. Ok I am rambling once again hehe.

I have several suggestions for you. First find the book Why does he do that? By Lundy

Bancroft. This book opened my eyes and helped me to see that my husband really is an abuser...it is still difficult for me to admit that but at least I have something that I can point to and say to myself "see you're not crazy...its right there in black and white and that is him..."

I would also suggest that you find your local shelter and see what resources they can offer you. I found a wonderful counselor through the local shelter and counselling services. It helps to have a professional helping and validating you. If you are not sure how to find your local shelter call the 1 800 799 SAFE and they will be able to help you. Someone will just talk to you if you just need to talk...but they also can help you to find a local shelter or other services.


My son is giving me a hard time about doing his spelling words so I am sorry but I have to cut this shorter than I wanted it to be. Huge hugs to you lady and if it feels wrong to you(anything that your hubby is doing) then it probably is wrong. Listen to your inner voice. God Bless you and keep yourself and your kids safe.


Ree