how do you cope
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how do you cope
| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:48am |
hi everyone. i haven't wrote about what happened when he went to jail, i dont think i can yet, but he is already Out of jail. He's Out he's out he's out. i can't believe it. how could they let him out, i dont understand. i feel so frustrated and scared. he told me he will kill me, it's when not if. i believe him. everything is ruined for him or will be ruined for him, becuase of whats happened and i think that now that people know what hes done, he will feel such anger towards me like never before. people know hes not what he seems and he is so concerned with his image, with what other people think of him, us. i feel like im obsessing about this and i can't stop, i am somewhere that he doesnt know about, but since i found out he was let out when i go to sleep i think i will wake up to him on me or not wake up at all. i think hes behind every door, or in the dark or outside waiting for me. i am constantly terrified. i try to be rational, but its so hard. please tell me how you get over these fears, how did you cope with these feelings. jj

Losing these fears will take time...alot of time. Especially since you have been through so much. You need to be extra careful and take care of yourself. Try to find things that can keep you distracted from thinking about him. Most importantly make a plan now in case somehow you do come in contact with him.
Hugs
Terry
First, CONGRATS on taking that FIRST AND MONUMENTAL STEP towards your freedom!! You are a VERY BRAVE AND STRONG WOMAN!
While, I don't have first hand experience with severe physical abuse that you have lived through...here are my thoughts. You have good reason to be terrified because your ex is an extremely dangerous and scary man....who would most likely follow through on his threats...keep this in mind the next you consider going back: (because all of us do, whether we are out or not--we always waver) There might not be another time for you to make an escape!!
BUT! there are also things to do to not allow fear to dictate to your life and keep you stuck. Fear can be very debilitating and stop you from leading a successful and productive life. If you continue to lead a fearful life, then your ex still has POWER and CONTROL over you. What these men can't stand is when we reassert the power and control we ALWAYS had in our lives--this is what THEY are most fearful of--a STRONG COMPETENT WOMAN that they no longer can push around and control.
Here are my suggestions: if you haven't already done so--get a domestic violence counselor AND a support group. BOTH! They will be instrumental to your healing process. While we are strong....we are not strong enough to do this on our own...and that's ok. Its ok to be weak and need help from time to time....as long as those people in our lives build us up again---it is NOT ok for those people to tear us down.
BE VIGILANT. If you even SUSPECT that he is around, CALL THE POLICE. Who cares if it is 100 times....just call. I assume you have a RO or PFA against him, utilize that to your advantage. If you see him, RUN! DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM, DO NOT LOOK AT HIM....JUST RUN. If he pursues you, run into the nearest store, office, building and tell them this crazy man is chasing you and you have NO IDEA who he is. (this way, people will get involved--if they think its just a couple fight, they will tend not to want to get involved). Just keep saying you "don't know him" and to call the police; even if he is calling your name--just act like you have NO IDEA who he is.
Consider moving. Seriously, I know this is extremely hard to do, esp. if you have lived somewhere for a long time, if not all your life. However, he can use this towards HIS advantage....he will know your behaviors, habits, where you tend to hang out (when you were allowed to). If you pick up and leave.....you'll be that much harder to find. Again, NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.
As for him getting out of jail---I'm sorry. That stinks, but unfortunately, that is how our lovely Criminal Justice system works---its far from perfect. When a person is charged with a crime they are NOT guilty as of yet...therefore they have the right to bail or ROR...which is release from prison. The only way he'll serve time is IF he is found guilty---but that is NO GUARANTEE. He could have the charge pled down to a lesser offense or given a light sentence...it depends upon the judge.
Contact a dv counselor, who might be able to tell you how to navigate the system. Here in the Western New York area...there is a WHOLE department devoted to domestic violence but on the County and State level; but not every state has this....and still, it doesn't work perfectly. You could always try to contact the Prosecutors office as well and let them know of your FEAR of this man---I would recommend continuing with the charges AND bringing some protection with you---dv advocate, family, friends--anyone.
I hope this helps, jj. I'm praying for you. This man is so extremely dangerous and scary and I wish NOTHING but the worse for this man...I truly do.
The best way to cope with all this is to formulate plans: Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. This will help, but not eliminate, the fear in your life. The fear will take time...try to work it through...and continue pushing through it---you've already done the hardest part.
big hugs!
dharma
How did they set up everything when he was arrested again?
CL-Blueliner4
I know I found it helpful to deal with my nightmares and panicky feelings to use some of the methods on a sheet they gave me at the support group I go to. Maybe some of those would help you. I know that the advocate said she got the list from something for people suffering from post traumatic stress. She said that lots of us have PTS symptoms and can sometimes find help by using those strategies. I'll try to find that sheet of paper and post the ideas here for you. In the meanwhile, try to make appointments for when to worry. EX: Today I will worry from 9:00-9:15, 12:30-12:45, 5:00-5:15 (something like that). I found that if I had a set time to worry I could try to postpone my worried thoughts and function a little more normally the rest of the day. One thing I learned is to NOT schedule a worry time before bed... it just made the nightmare times worse. Before bed I would try to think of calming things. I would imagin 'happy' endings that could have happened in my previous nightmares (my voice really would work, my fists really worked, someone rescues me). I call friends/family before bed for a short, happy conversation before bed. I make a cup of tea. I read a short story from a book (best short stories of 2003). They are just long enough that I can focus and they help me think of other things for a little while. I hope that you can create some strategies that help you feel safer and more in control. You will find what works for you and hopefully you will get your worries (perfectly justifiable worries) to a more manageable level. I don't think you want to totally ignore them because those feelings are also an important part of keeping you safe and you do need to pay attention to your instincts. Best of luck hun, you have so many people who care about you. I am glad you're safer and hope you begin to feel safe soon.
Does he know where your folks live? Have you warned them to take extra precautions as they go about their daily lives? If he tries to find you, he could use them to get to you! I am praying for you and your family at this time.
Barbara