Question about boundaries, trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Question about boundaries, trust
5
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:53pm
Hi all, haven't been around much lately. H and I had another argument last week, and he grabbed my arms, so I am still bruised. Now, he is being over the top honeymoon phase, guilt galore, presents, things around the house, etc. Whatever. I am so clearly seeing it for what it is. Two years ago, he first became physically abusive, after being verbally abusive for a long time. He really attacked me a year ago, and has been in therapy and on meds since then. Yes, there has been some progress this last year, but obviously, not nearly enough. As you all know, I am slowly working on a plan to leave, and am back in school. I have confided in a few friends and close family members about the reality of my marriage. They know I am not ready to leave yet, and most of them really like my H anyway, and understand the reasons why I need to stay at this time. I am a bit angry though, because one person that I trusted and confided in told three other relatives (who are supposedly very mad at H). I didn't feel they needed to know any personal details about my life. As I am currently staying in this marriage, it really would not be helpful to have my relatives saying anything that isn't their business...I mean, these are people I maybe see a couple of times a year. I know that speaking with all of you here has helped me tremendously, as has speaking with people I know IRL...but now I feel betrayed. The person who spilled the beans was sort of defiant, saying that she felt these other relatives had a right to know, since they were family. That was her choice, not mine. I have been very selective with whom I speak about such personal things. What do you all think? I really need support, but I am feeling like I cannot trust this person with private info anymore, which is a shame. I am tired of walking on eggshells with everyone, you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:44pm

Hiya -


I see both sides of the argument here.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:46pm
I'm sure that the relative told other family members in order to help you rather than hurt you. If you think about the dynamics of domestic abuse, they are very tough for a person who's never been there to understand. They just want you out of the relationship, they just want it to stop. They don't understand what's keeping you there, even if they say they do. I would trust this person to do what she thinks is best for you, and now that she has the knowledge that you are being abused, she may have gone to other family members for support for herself. It angers friends and family members to know you are being abused. Talk to her, tell her how you feel. Maybe find out how she feels, and try to establish new boundaries. Maybe if she knows you are actively preparing an escape plan, she will keep her mouth shut if not for anything else, but for your protection.

Good Luck girl.

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:35pm
Thanks Gabby and Sarah....Yeah, I bet she told them in order to get support for herself, and gossip, since she is much closer to them than I am. These people she told never ever have called me, etc...we are just not at all close, and I do not necessarily trust their judgement to keep quiet, they are young men....they truly have no clue what my life is like, what responsibilities I carry. I spoke to my relative who told them, and she assured me they would be very close mouthed about it, but I am just not so sure. I certainly hope so, if they said/did something, it would just be awful for me! I just didn't like her attitude...she had previously assured me everything we spoke about was confidential...now, she responds with "oh, well!" when I remind her that I didn't want anyone else to know. I don't think I will be sharing any more confidences with her, which is too bad, because I do not have many people I can speak frankly with. I truly do feel betrayed. These distant relatives she told are in no position to help me, and have never shown any interest in my life....their knowledge of this could only cause trouble, although I pray it will just never come up again. I just feel like I can't count on anyone, I feel very betrayed, by her selfishness, by my H's immaturity and abuse, by my evil in -laws. Thank goodness I have this board I can come to!! I was brought up not to share private information with anyone, and it hurts me when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, to my H, to this relative...they have not behaved properly. I just don't feel like I can trust anybody, and I hate it. But, Gabby...I absolutely am loving being back in school!! I try to focus on the positive, but today I am really ticked off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:44pm
Hey Lurker! I've been thinking about you and noticing your absence from this board lately. I'd hoped things were going better with your H and I'm sorry to hear that they're not. I hope and pray your little guy is doing well.

I personally have been more lurking than posting here lately myself. I respond to other people's messages but have reached my own conclusions about my marriage and my H which I am not willing to share here but I'm sure you would understand.

People love a good story, don't they???? Nothing like a little gosspip to keep some people occupied. Well, obviously, you can't control the bigmouth's actions. It's a shame she betrayed your trust, though, and I understand your angry feelings. One more person you have to be careful around, just what you need.

You're always in my thoughts and prayers - you and that little guy. Hang in there, honey. I'm glad you're going forward with school, and I hope that's helping your self-esteem issues. Love and hugs from your pal in New Jersey!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:37pm
Hello momesq!! It is good to hear from you! Yes, things have been going pretty much the same with my H, ups and downs, he is often annoying, rude and immature.....but, weighing everything he is generally someone I would rather live with, at this point, than without. (In all honesty, if I had backed off when we were having our argument, he wouldn't have grabbed me. I could have avoided the situation if I had been more cool headed. Not that it excuses him, it certainly does NOT, but I do not feel like I am living in danger. Emotions were just running very high, about our little boy.) I am sure you can understand my feelings there. Whatever you have concluded about your H and your marriage, I am sure it is what is best for you at this time, and of course you have my unconditional support. Yes, school is wonderful. It is very hard to find the time to do homework, lol, but I am doing well anyway, and it feels great to be doing something just for myself. Everything else I do is for my son or my H. I just can't wait to graduate, the idea makes me so happy I get dizzy, lol! How is your little guy? My little boy is well, and oh so funny, smart and adorable. Looking forward to St. Patrick's Day....he is so cute in green, he kinda looks like a mischievious little leprechaun, lol. All the best to you!!!! I hope to see you around on the other board we go to, I have some questions. Many hugs, and thank you for your support.