This is just consuming me......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
This is just consuming me......
8
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:45am
There are some days, like today, where I just think that this is just too much to cope with....there's just to much crap for me to deal with, that there are so many unknowns about my future, that none of this seems right. I'm so tired of thinking of nothing else...it just totally consuming me and throwing me way off balance.

One minute I feel o.k. and strong...the next I'm a mess and crying my heart out. A post was made yesterday about how fear can keep one stuck...and I'm really fear based--and of course, my h has fed into for years and years.

My h is doing the typical things that abusers do when faced with reality....he is starting to make changes...but I *know* that its just pure desperation that making him change. He's had 7 years to show me the person he is and now I can never go back to trusting me. But its so hard when they are acting nice and attempting to make "changes" because it feeds into the whole cycle, the inner desire to want to have a good, healthy marriage...to not be a single mother.

And then comes the anger...the anger that I've been treated like this, less then a person...the anger that I am left empty and numb by all this....the bitterness that comes from going through this process. The anger when you try to explain this to people who JUST DON'T GET IT. I mean, there are times when I think that it would've been better if he just hit me....people SEE that and KNOW that's abuse. They can't seem the damage its done to my soul, to my being.....I just feel so ruined right now.

I can't seem to think of anything else...and its just consuming me. I'm just so tired of feeling like a mess.

blech....and there's a snow storm coming.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:39am
Hey Dharma. I know exactly what you are going through. I have been totally consumed by my H choice to abuse me, emotionally and physically. I heard through his father and a friend that he has a couple of appointments today to talk with therapist. I have dealt with abusive men before and I am afraid that he is doing this just to shut me up and to let him come home. I have spent my days being totally consumed by fear, anger, frustration, hurt and loneliness. The only reason that I crawl out of bed everyday is to take care of my children. They are the only reason why I am still here. I have been fighting for custody of my oldest son now for a year. If my ex ever got wind of what I am going through right now, he could use it against me. That is another reason for me to not leave. I am the one that has to struggle day after day about what to do to protect my children. He has it made living in his 18 wheeler and making the $$$. I have no job, no car, bad credit and kids. I feel trapped. You are not alone. I wish that I could understand why men have to feel that they have to have control over women. Why can't they see that they have a good thing in front of them? What makes them want to destroy it?

I pray every day that he will wake up and see what he has. I am praying everyday that he really will change and be the man that he was brought up to be. I am praying that no woman out there gets hurt anymore by some jerk that thinks he can control her by abuse.

I hope that I can become friends with everyone here. I am emotionally drained and need you guys. If I can, I want to be able to support and help you all too.

Hugs and Best Wishes to Everyone,

Harley

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:55am
Hey, sound like the normal steps to freedom to me! This is the trial by fire part and once you are on the other side freedom will taste so sweet. Its like breaking yourself froman addiction, once you get through the hard part you can look back and say,"Hey, I did it", and know you are in control, not him. I too fought so hard to asve my marriage and fought hard against being a single mom (like my mom)and my stbx also used my fears but once I stood up and told him what was what he has since gave up that tactic and is now using the feel sorry for me I am an alcholic/pill head/bipolar/codependant take your pick and cannot live/do laundry/get groceries/work so can please come home/give me money/have sex with me. All of which have no further influence on me.

What is happening to you is normal and other have experienced word for word, although this does not diminsh your pain I did find it helped me to realize there is life, better life, after the pain and the things you thought you were afraid of are not so scary, and the world you thought would never understand is not so bad, and the person you thought you were is even better. hugs to you abd stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:33pm

Dharma, you are feeling perfectly normal for what you are going through, it's all making sense.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:05pm
I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have also thought that it would be better if he hit me so that people would see the actual damage he does. I have even gone so far as to beg him to hit me just so that I can make others understand what is going on, so that I didn't feel so alone with it. I don't think the physical pain would hurt as much or take as long to heal as the damage to my soul. But I know that that isn't the answer, if anything it would just make things worse. But I get the connection that the brain makes there.

I wish I could say someting helpful, but I don't know what helps anymore. Be safe, and think of the light at the end of the tunnel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:44pm

Dharma, everything will be ok, it really will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:32pm
Dharma,

I could have written just about every word. I totally understand how you feel lady. Hang in there and just take it one day or one moment at a time. It will get easier and you will get stronger. Somehow everything has a way of working itself out. And we have to put our faith in that. God will provide someone or something or some opportunity for you so that you will make it. I have seen that this week and over the weeks since I left my husband. I had a job interview today and if it was meant to be I will have a part time job to help me with money. There was a winter storm today but it wasnt so bad so that I couldn't make it to my interview.

I know you are a strong person...even when you are not feeling that way. Huge hugs to you and a warm beverage of your choice for you to help you keep warm today and maybe relax you a bit.

Hugs,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:00pm
Thanks to all who replied....and just to let you know, you ALL had me bawling my eyes out--all the responses were so positive, bright and hopeful...its just what I really needed. Thanks, guys {{big group hug}}.

I just wish I could shake the emotional rollercoaster I am on.....but I had a long talk with a friend of mine who went through a divorce about 5 years ago. I told her that I thought I was having a breakdown of sorts, and she said "oh, god, NO, honey....this is normal. I wasn't in an abusive marriage and you sound 10x's better then I was...and I didn't even have kids to worry about". She told me of her feelings of 'failure', of panic attacks during the middle of the night worrying about finances, of feeling sooo bitter and jaded and NEVER EVER wanting to be in a relationship again, the emotional mood swings, the inertia that set in followed by near manic episodes of cleaning, etc. She told me that lasted several months...and there were periods of intense introspection; of shutting out people just to be alone to think and process (which is what I've been doing recently). Slowly, she started coming out of it...and she said she has NEVER been happier since....she is now in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years. She's switched careers, attempted several, and is now in nursing school to become an RN...and she's never been happier.

She just so normalized what I felt....much in the same way you all do here....that I'm not crazy, despite feeling that way (and being told that FOR YEARS). During our conversation, too, when I was telling her about trying so hard to make it all perfect--perfect wife, perfect mother, etc...and how I've let that all go...but now I feel kind of lost without that persona. And she said to me...."you'll never be perfect. I'm not the person; the perfect girlfriend; the perfect employee. Repeat after me: PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION"

So, that is my new mantra....PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. and really...that is all we can ever really do, isn't it? Just continue to progress.

Now, if you excuse me...I have to grab some kleenex 'cause I'm still sniffling and crying.

Thank you all....from the bottom of my heart

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:12pm
Dharma,

I have had lots and lots of both - the physical and the emotional abuse. If I had to say which is worse, I'd definitely say the emotional abuse. I even have scars and aches from the physical abuse, but the scars I have from the emotional abuse leave so much more heartache. I think I've held on for so long because I kept wanting and needing for him to come to me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. There are times he did; but when he'd become angry again, the pain he inflicted was even much worse than it was before.

When I was growing up I had this 'idea' of what my marriage would be about - love, caring, togetherness - happily ever after. Well, what I got was far from that. H has told me he had an idea of what a wife was about to, but his included being submissive, doing everything he wanted, being a 'whipping post'. Guess our ideas were so much different.

The thing is we shouldn't sit and wait and wait for the next time hoping it will be the last. All of you who are out there should take it from me, been there 27 years, and it only gets worse. I have changed. Instead of being broken and beaten, now I'm broken and beaten, but I'm also angry, embarrassed, resentful. I'm regretful I didn't do this years ago when I was much younger.

Hugs,

Jackie