- Can someone please tell me WHY
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| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:39am |
I haven't visited here in about 8 weeks. But last night we relapsed back into old abusive habits. And so the cycle begins again. The issue doesn't even matter. He got mad, grabbed my pajamas and ripped from the collar out to both shoulders. I tried to get away and he followed me and kept getting in my way to stop me. He said such horrible demeaning things. I tried to grab the phone and he grabbed it from me. I fought to get it back and he grabbed me, pulled my hair, grabbed for my nose, hit me in the jaw, scratched me, put me in a headlock and when his fingers slipped into my mouth, I bit the hell out of them. I tried running to the neighbors to call for help, but he got to me every time I tried to get out the door. Keep in mind I'm 30 weeks pregnant, so it isn't easy for me to get around anyway. The last time he grabbed me I started hyperventilating and begging him to let me go. I was on the couch panting because it hurt so much to breath and I had cramps in my belly. He walks up to me and says, "Stop faking it. You're such a f*cking liar." I just lied there as he went on and on about what an awful wife and mother I am and how I am to blame for all of our problems. I just sat there, too scared & too tired to move, only making short comments to appease him. It was after midnight when he gave up and finally went to bed. I just sat there for awhile and tried to collect my thoughts about everything that had happened and what I need to do. Then I went and stood outside my 2-year-old's bedroom and just prayed and prayed. After a while I heard him get up to come out for me, so I just walked in, put on new pajamas and went to our bathroom. I stayed in there for awhile and took a Tylenol for the pain and to help me relax and sleep. I snuck into the bed and he rolls over, apologizing, crying, kissing me, holding me, and telling me that he loves me.
And what pisses me off is WHY does that feel so good after all the hell he just put me through? WHY? I'm not stupid, I'm not blind. I recognize the pattern of abuse. And yet, this incomprehensible "compassion" still draws me in when the violent storm ends. I know that the cycle won't stop until I come to terms with this. And it scares me that I fall into it. And in some dysfunctional way, actually end up feeling relieved that the calm phase has arrived. My reactions are not right. How can I feel good about his embrace after the abuse?
Please help.
Hazy Horizons

Love and Hugs,
Harley
Hazy Horizons
Gather yourself up and tell someone! Preferably, the police. Get him out of the house. If you are afraid to do that, then you need to put your emotions aside and get out. Either way you look at it, he 'will' do it again if you sit back and let him get away with it.
Oh, hazy, sweets, I am so sorry.
You do need to report this to the police
CL-Blueliner4
Even so, I still reach next to me in bed to look for him and I miss him when I realize he's not there...and probably won't be again. Despite the abuse there is love there on both sides and that is hard to get over. There is also comfort in the familiar even if it's not pleasant familiar. So it is hard. Think of leaving as an adventure into the unknown. Who knows what wonderful things await as you walk out that door. You already know what you have if you don't.