- Can someone please tell me WHY

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
- Can someone please tell me WHY
7
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:39am
This is a long vent - but what really matters most to me is to get an answer to my question at the end...PLEASE take a look. I am desperate for opinions/perspectives.

I haven't visited here in about 8 weeks. But last night we relapsed back into old abusive habits. And so the cycle begins again. The issue doesn't even matter. He got mad, grabbed my pajamas and ripped from the collar out to both shoulders. I tried to get away and he followed me and kept getting in my way to stop me. He said such horrible demeaning things. I tried to grab the phone and he grabbed it from me. I fought to get it back and he grabbed me, pulled my hair, grabbed for my nose, hit me in the jaw, scratched me, put me in a headlock and when his fingers slipped into my mouth, I bit the hell out of them. I tried running to the neighbors to call for help, but he got to me every time I tried to get out the door. Keep in mind I'm 30 weeks pregnant, so it isn't easy for me to get around anyway. The last time he grabbed me I started hyperventilating and begging him to let me go. I was on the couch panting because it hurt so much to breath and I had cramps in my belly. He walks up to me and says, "Stop faking it. You're such a f*cking liar." I just lied there as he went on and on about what an awful wife and mother I am and how I am to blame for all of our problems. I just sat there, too scared & too tired to move, only making short comments to appease him. It was after midnight when he gave up and finally went to bed. I just sat there for awhile and tried to collect my thoughts about everything that had happened and what I need to do. Then I went and stood outside my 2-year-old's bedroom and just prayed and prayed. After a while I heard him get up to come out for me, so I just walked in, put on new pajamas and went to our bathroom. I stayed in there for awhile and took a Tylenol for the pain and to help me relax and sleep. I snuck into the bed and he rolls over, apologizing, crying, kissing me, holding me, and telling me that he loves me.

And what pisses me off is WHY does that feel so good after all the hell he just put me through? WHY? I'm not stupid, I'm not blind. I recognize the pattern of abuse. And yet, this incomprehensible "compassion" still draws me in when the violent storm ends. I know that the cycle won't stop until I come to terms with this. And it scares me that I fall into it. And in some dysfunctional way, actually end up feeling relieved that the calm phase has arrived. My reactions are not right. How can I feel good about his embrace after the abuse?

Please help.

Hazy Horizons

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:49am
Your post has made me cry. Please have yourself checked out to be sure that he did not hurt the baby. I will be praying for you. I will get back to you whenever I stop crying.

Love and Hugs,

Harley

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:06am
Harley - thanks for your reply and kind words. This is part of what scares me. I too, would cry hearing a story like that about someone. But somehow it feels like I'm almost detatched from my own situation. Maybe I'm in denial?? I don't even know. I do know that it scares me that right now I am feeling relief knowing that the storm is behind us and we're going to enter that loving, calm phase. Am I just getting used to the cycle of abuse? Am I starting to accept it as part of my life? I just don't understand my own feelings and reactions right now and that scares me more than anything he could do.

Hazy Horizons

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:06am
My abusive ex told me to grow ovaries, he threatened to call my mother and tell her how he had been f*cking me for the past year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:13pm
Please please get out of your house. For a man to physically abuse a woman he supposedly loves (and I'm sure emotionally, verbally, etc...) is absolutely horrible. But for him to do it to a pregnant woman is incomprehensible. If you can't find the strength to leave for your own welfare, then please leave for your kids. Even if he never lays a hand on them directly, they are learning from this experience. Don't let them become abusers or become victims of abuse. Get out. Get some help. I will be praying for you and your kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:40pm
I agree with the others...I am cosidering a legal seperation from my abusive H. The guy that you are with seems to have no consideration for you, your child, or your unborn child. Please, please, please report him. I know how hard it can be to do that, but think about what he has done. Men like that make me sick because they think that once they have done the abusive act, that they can have 'make up sex' and all will be forgotten. You have to be strong! He deserves to sit in jail and think about what he has done to you and what he may have done to your unborn child! What he did was wrong! How long are you going to continue to allow him to get away with it! You are a human being and you have rights! This guy sounds like he will eventually put you in the hospital or worse, 6 feet under! Then where will your children be???

Gather yourself up and tell someone! Preferably, the police. Get him out of the house. If you are afraid to do that, then you need to put your emotions aside and get out. Either way you look at it, he 'will' do it again if you sit back and let him get away with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 1:06pm

Oh, hazy, sweets, I am so sorry.


You do need to report this to the police

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:31pm
Reporting my ex-fiance to the police was the hardest thing I have ever done. Watching him being taken away in handcuffs, dealing with the disgusted looks of the people at the court house (looks directed at me) were awful. But, I am not afraid to go home now because he isn't there. He spent some time in jail which gave me a little power even if it was temporary. I am regaining control of my life. I hope you can regain control of yours. It isn't easy (and I had a lot of support), but you will feel better when you don't have to walk on eggshells, feel afraid of making him angry.

Even so, I still reach next to me in bed to look for him and I miss him when I realize he's not there...and probably won't be again. Despite the abuse there is love there on both sides and that is hard to get over. There is also comfort in the familiar even if it's not pleasant familiar. So it is hard. Think of leaving as an adventure into the unknown. Who knows what wonderful things await as you walk out that door. You already know what you have if you don't.