Advice for Sister-In-Law?

Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Advice for Sister-In-Law?
6
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:30pm
Hi! I posted here constantly awhile back, but I haven't been around much lately. I guess in a way that is a good thing. I do check in now and again and see what is going on with everyone, of course.

The last I knew, my ex-husband had been moving on with his life and was doing well. He had emailed me with a few calculated comments about his new girlfriend, but I didn't respond. If anyone remembers my story, I struggled for a long time trying to be friends with my ex. When it was bad, it was very, very bad, but I always believed in him as a person. I still miss him these days, though I kind of got a wake-up call recently. It turns out that there never was another girlfriend and he's not doing very well at all.

My heart goes out to him, but I know that I can't help him. Plus, I've met someone who makes me very happy and, if things keep going as they have been, I'll be spending my life with this guy. (It has been six months and I AM taking it slow!)

My questions is about my ex sister-in-law. She has been the victim of abuse times three. My ex, one of his sisters, and his mother are all insane in the same way. My poor SIL is the only sane one of the bunch. She is a very caring and loving person and she wants to help my ex. She called me after he had raged at her and asked for my input about my ex.

Well, anyone who remembers the guy knows that he falls into the moderate to severely abusive catagory. I could never quite accept that he was dangerous because he is so human, too, but our marriage got to the point where my bruises from one episode wouldn't be healed before the next episode produced more bruises. He would get to a truly frightening level of rage. I'm convinced that he will always be capable of scary behavior. If my SIL were his wife, I'd tell her to get the heck away from him.

But what do you do when it is your brother who is abusive? Or when it is your whole family? Sweetdreams, I know that you have experience with this. Do you have any advice I could give her?

As far as me, I'm doing well. I get a little shaky for awhile after I talk about the ex, which is why I don't post on this board much. Sometimes I get emotional with my new bf. I'm hyper-senstive to anything about him that seems at all abusive, but that isn't such a bad thing! For the most part, I'm doing well. My biggest complaint would be that I don't seem to be able to work up the motivation to dress well and take great care of myself. I exercise and I'm healthier than ever, but I still adhere to this routine where I wear the same clothes depending on the day of the week. You know, a Monday outfit, Tuesday outfit, etc. I used to think it was funny, but I think that I have a real psychosis about putting effort into myself and not hiding all the time. Strange. Other than that, I'm pretty much healed. It will be two years in July.

I wish everyone the best!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:39pm

Hey lady!


I wish I had some good advice for you and your poor XSIL.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:38pm

Hi chaotican, it’s so good to see you, I’m really happy that you’re doing well.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:01am
Congratulations on your 18 months!! And, if I haven't already said this, on becoming a CL!! You're a truly increadible person and you give back so much. Thank you for being there!
Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:06am
Hey Sweetdreams,

Thank you for taking some time out from your hecticness to reply! I'm so sorry to hear that there was no resolution with your brother. I know that you really tried and I know that he broke your heart many times. It is so unfair.

I guess that there are just some people in the world that you can't have any contact with if you want to be a healthy person. The secret must be to just get yourself as healthy as possible so that you can know who to let in to your life.

I will suggest that my XSIL read up on the issue. She grew up surrounded by all these emotionally devastating personalities, yet she turned out ok. Of course, we can say the same about you!

Thank you again!!

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:42pm
Hello my long lost friend...good to "see" you again. Sorry I have been such a crappy pen pal...life speeds by...I am also sorry to hear about the struggles of your SIL. I must say that I agree with Sweet here and, sadly, one of the most difficult elements of knowing an abuser is realizing that you cannot change them. Change, for everyone, comes from within and only those internally motivated to seek it will be rewarded with it. Giving her the resources to be able to recognize this will, ultimately, help her deal with it.

Soooooooo, Mr. 29 (now 30..31??) turned out to be more than a "fling"???.......I am VERY happy for you and glad that you are taking things slow. I think it is completely normal to be hypersensitive to any elements within a relationship that seem in any way abusive. I can SO relate to that and pretty much dissect every new potential beau looking for these clues. So far, I am very content with being just with "me" . I truly hope that you find peace and happiness in your life. You deserve it. It sounds like you are well on your way. Oh, and btw, I wouldn't be overly concerned with your lack of desire to be "appearance-oriented"...I think this goes back to what we discussed before that true peace comes from just being "you"...even if that "you" wears the same outfit every Monday . Someone who truly loves you wouldn't give a hoot about this...and, even more importantly, you can love yourself this way too. (Lord knows I'm beginning to love my hairy legs!! Don't laugh, I may be braiding them soon) ;^)) {{{{{HUGE HUGGLES}}}} K

Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:50pm
Kim! It is great to "see" you, too! I understand how busy life gets, even without two kids, so don't worry about being a crapy penpal. :) If you ever do write, use chao_tican@yahoo.com. My old email address is gone and forgotten.

I think that you and Sweet are right. There is just nothing you can do or say. When the ex called me and asked if I'd take his cat after he committed suicide, my first thought was actually that soon his suffering would finally be over. Terrible of me... I've recommended this board to her, so perhaps she will find some answers here.

Oh, it HAS been awhile! Mr. 29 is history and no, I never...deflowered him. I went on a few dates about a month after I stopped seeing that one and met someone truly special. In retro-spect, I think that he is the first person I've ever really fallen in love with. There are a few problems, as there always will be in any relationship, but it is going well. I was thinking of you because the guy is a lawyer and can argue very well and I was thinking how increadibly frusterating it would be to combine a lawyer with an abusive personality! Oh how you have suffered. You sound very good and I'm glad that you're strong and solid and happy on your own. Someone out there would probably happily help you braid your leg hairs, so just be open to recognizing him and you're set! I appreciate what you said about acceptance. It made me feel better sitting here in my Thursday outfit. I hate my Thursday outfit. :)

Big hugs to you, too!!!!