going back

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
going back
13
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:01am
Hi all. I know what you must all be thinking reading my heading. I am going bacj\k to my husband. I just can't stand being apart anymore. I really truely believe that he has changed. I know some of my last few posts would tell a differant story, but in the last few days, things have been great. He has been keeping the kids with no problems, he has told crystal that we are back together and I am working on moving out of Kevins house. I know most people go back quite a few times before they leave for good, but i really hope this is for good now. The times I have seen him he has been so loving and he tells me how much he loves me all the time now. Please don't judge me wrong for going back. I just feel it is the right thing to do. I will still post since I know there is the potentiol of him going backwards, but right now its good. Thanks everyone. Christina

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Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:19am
Hi Christina,

I don't know your whole story and I won't pretend that I can automatically sum up your whole situation just by reading one post. You are the only one who can make your decisions and you never, ever should feel like anyone is going to judge you. Chances are that most of us are going to be skeptical and afraid for you, but that is not a judgement on you. I can totally understand why you would want to go back and all it means is that you are a loving human being with a heart.

What scares me here is that you say that the last few days have been good, so you are going back. Please, please give it some more time. Dedicate your heart to him, believe in him if you have to, but keep your independence until you're absoutely sure that he's not going to revert back to his old behaviors. A few weeks should be enough. Since you are talking about the rest of your life, a few weeks shouldn't make much difference in the grand scheme of things.

Now let me ask you this... Would you feel comfortable telling him that you changed your mind and you need a little bit more time to think things over? Would you be afraid of his reaction? Would you be afraid that if you hesitated, you'd somehow ruin everything and make him change back into someone you can't be with? If the answer to any of these is even a little bit "yes", then please take some more time for yourself. Real change isn't fragile. A healthy man can be delayed for awhile without risking your happiness. An abuser who is trying to regain control would get very upset if you said that you wanted more time for yourself. A healthy man who wanted to move forward might be disapointed, but he'd allow such things.

Whatever you do, please be very careful. Watch out for signs that the honeymoon is over, and pay attention to the way that you feel. Even in the best of circumstances, it sounds like this would be a very tough and emotionally trying move once the joy of reconcilliation starts to fade. Keep posting here and don't be embarassed at all if things don't work out. We've all been through it. I really hope that things work out for you, though, whatever you decide to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:43am
The honey moon stage only lasts for an x amount of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:04am
Christina, honey, you know we all love you here, and we'd never judge you. We've all gone through what you're dealing with right now, some of us more than once, some more times than we can count. But please, just be soooooo careful. You know what he's capable of, and you know that his temper could show again at any time. Just *promise me* you'll call 911 if he acts up again like he has before. PROMISE ME!!!

I remember how I felt before I made a concrete decision between STBXH and OM. Please know that I do respect your decision, even though I chose the OM myself. What's right for one person may not be the right thing for someone else -- you have to do what your heart tells you is right.

BTW, how did Kevin take the news? How do your kids feel? How do YOU feel? What did STBXH say when you told him of your decision to move back with him?

Please keep posting, and good luck to you girl! Remember -- we're all with you, always, no matter what! :o)

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:41am
Hi Christina! I, for one, can totally understand your decision and support you 100%. I arrived at this conclusion recently and I think it applies to you as well: I was involved with OMM for almost 2 years and separated from H for 2 years. I met with an attorney and tried, really, really tried, to file for divorce and end the marriage. BUT I was unable to do it. Why????? I'm not sure I understand. But for the time being, all I know is that I have to honor that part of me that, after 2 years, was unable to move forward with the divorce. I had to let OMM go, just like you have let Kevin go. That's not to say that I think I can make my marriage work, but it is just to recognize that there's still something there, despite me and H's best efforts to end this darned marriage. It's just not that easy, I'm finding out. So, for today, I realize its not fair to drag OMM into this mess, have him thinking I'm going to get divorced and marry him someday, when I wake up in the morning and never quite believe that I'm emotionally out of this marriage. Who knows how this works? Obviously, for both you and your H, there's still "something" there. You owe it to both of you to find out what that "something" is.

As my therapist told me just yesterday, marriage is a contract to deal with a set of problems. All marriages have problems. The question is whether you are willing to handle the problems your spouse brings? Are you committed to working thru them? Is there enough understanding and friendship between the two of you to keep working at it? Eventually, you would have wound up with a whole new set of problems with Kevin, don't kid yourself for a second. All relationships have problems. The question then would have been whether you're better or with Kevin's problems than your H's problems.

Obviously, be very careful here, but you deserve to find out what's keeping you emotionally "in" your marriage. Best of luck and please do keep lurking!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:54am

Christina -


Please be very careful and understand in the time you have been gone, your H has been engaging in extremely dangerous activities with someone who may not be the world's healthiest person, physically.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:25pm

Hi Momesq... by the way, I like your nic. : )


I am deeply concerned with something your therapist has said to you,

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:56pm
Hugs girley! Everyone has said something to you and I do hope that you continue to keep us posted and keep yourself and your children safe.

We will not turn our backs on you no matter what you decided. We have all been in your shoes, most of us have gone back to try again. But please take the time to think a few very important things over, it could save your life.

If he's been with a drug user, he may now have a Sexually Transmitted Disease. He could have Hepatitis A, B or C. He could now have HIV. Please use condoms for a while. If it looks as if you are going to stay with him because he is trying to change, have him get a full run of blood tests for STD's. With HIV he will have to have one or two more over the course of a year or two. This is for your safety, not his.

I'm telling you this straight out from someone who has had multiple HIV tests to make sure I was still clean. I have had all the Hep tests. I did catch genital warts or HPV. I am lucky to have gotten off this lightly for trusting an abuser who was chemically dependant to alchohol and cocaine, not to mention whatever else was available to them. I also knew that they had slept with others to obtain drugs but never thought of my own safety.

Another fact which you must know is that if he again becomes abusive, do not stay at all. Too many give the abuser one or two chances at a rebound relationship. Abusers do not decrease their abuse they only increase. So if he crosses any line, call 911 or grab your children and run. Do not allow him to have any excuses for his behaviour.

We all pray and hope that he will change, but statistics don't lie and probably within a couple months he will be right back abusing you.

You have our support no matter what. Keep us posted, keep coming in just to say "Hi"!!

Be safe but don't give an inch or he will take a mile.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:40am

Girley, I think that you've received some very good responses here.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:46am
Momesq, I must say that I am concerned about your therapist's comments as well.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: girley1219
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:26am
My mistake, ladies, and my apologies. I don't think my post was entirely clear. My T's advice about trading one set of problems for another had to do with my decision to end my relationship with the OM, and her desire was for me to realize that another man was NOT going to make my life just fine; that HE was another set of problems before I had even solved the first "set" with my H.

I do agree that calling abuse a "set of problems" is a dramatic understatement, to say the least. My words in support of ending a relationship outside of your marriage were directed at understanding that another relationship will not make you okay. My T's advice to me was that entering into a relationship is contracting to accept a certain set of problems. I take full responsibility for suggesting that my situation with my H is a "set of problems;" my T did not suggest that. Thanks for calling my on my "stuff," though. I appreciate your feedback!

mo 7-18-10

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