CONSCERNED ABOUT MY FUTURE...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
CONSCERNED ABOUT MY FUTURE...
4
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:00pm
I'm 27 years old. I'm currently in a relationship that's been off and on for almost 2 yrs now. I think based on my bf and my past together it's safe to say that a future together is just not an option(for me anyway).I guess the thing that I've really been thinking about lately is well.....people seem to think that I am such a great judge of character and that I'm lucky because I always seem to end up dating very handsome,successful,intelligent guys(current bf included)and while this is true I find that the guys that I date do have it together financial,physically etc. but emmotionally they're a mess and as a result I end up hurt everytime. The thing is, I never see this coming because these guys just seem to be regular guys and they treat me really well and they seem to have a really good sense of what they want but then out of nowhere it seems like they change.One day they want to take me to meet their parents and they're telling me how I'm "The one" the literally the following week they say things like" I think you feel stronger about me than I feel about you". I just don't understand. Like I said my bf and I have been on and off because of that very thing for almost 2 years now. He has cheated on me and done such hurtful things to me still I have trouble letting go. My main conscern as I stated is about my future. I don't think bf and I will end up together but the problem is really this.My bf seems to have a real problem with his temper and with communication. I can't express an opinion that conflicts with his because if I do he gets so upset and starts yelling and screaming and being so forceful to get his point across to me and so many times he has done this only to discover that I was right and he was wrong and then he apologizes but in the meantime it really hurts me that he starts yelling so much at me and treats me like i'm an idiot. After he does this though, he starts getting all lovey dovey and expects me to hug him and act nicely toward him and if I don't then there's something wrong with ME and I'M being mean and difficult. He even goes into a rage at times and yells furiously and throws things. He'll start to cry if I don't say what he wants me to say or admit to something that he's acusing me of(which is never true). Last spring we broke up for 4 months and when we got back together was when I started seeing all of this stuff because I had never seen him act that way before at all.

During the time that we were apart(4 months) I went out a few times and mostly had a telephone friendship with a guy at work. He seemed really nice but I expressed to him that I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious right away. He said ok and continued to be really nice to me and told me that he wanted me to meet his family and all of his friends and also told me that he felt that I was perfect and I was the one he had been waiting for his whole life. I got kinda upset with him telling me this partly because I had been down this road before but also because he hardly knew me and we weren't even dating seriously plus the fact that I told him I didn't want anything serious and that I was just getting out of a relationship. Ultimately I ended up telling this guy that it wasn't going to work out because I really didn't feel the same way about him and didn't want to waste his time or cause problems for him down the road. I told him that I just didn't want a relationship with him. He became really upset and started really being argumentative and then he proceeded to tell me that I had emmotional problems and that i was stupid. I couldn't believe he was acting that way so I told him that I was going to hang up on him and I did just that. He called back but I didn't answer my phone. He left several horrible messages calling me all sorts of names and saying the craziest meanest things(mind you I work with this guy). The odd thing is that when we got to work the next day he was very nice and apologized for his behavior and started saying things to try and make me feel sorry for him. I just told him to forget about it and that I wanted our relationship to be strictly professional from here on out and he said ok and it's been that way since then. Shortly after that is when bf came back into my life and we have been together ever since.

I'm really worried because it seems like at this point even if I leave bf which I really feel I should, I'm almost destined to end up with an abusive man be it verbally, emotionally and maybe even physically the next time around. I don't want this for myself. I've seen my mom be hit in the past by my stepfather(she's no longer with him) and I've heard her talk about being hit by my father a long long time ago and she's been in a relationship for over 10 yrs with her bf and he's not physical with her at all but he's very demanding and she's extremely passive. She never argues with anything he says and she always does exactly as he tells her to.I don't want to live like that but is that what I'm heading for? I feel like the older I get and the closer I get to marriage etc. the more abusive the guys i date get. I think that even if I decide to suck it up and stay with bf that it's going to get worse and that by the time it's all said and done I'm going to have possibly no self esteem left and he's going to disrespect me in every possible way every chance he gets and I wouldn't even be too surprised if he became physically violent with me later on down the line. At the same time I feel like if I leave him and even a yr from now start seeing someone new that everything will be fine at first but then he's going to turn into a monster. I know I even think these things and may even KNOW them subconsciously because in just about every dream I have at night people are not who they are supposed to be. I could be having a conversation with a man in a dream and if I turn away and then look at him again he's turned into either another person entirely(literally) or an animal of some sort(i.e cat,dog,horse).This happens in just about every dream I have. Every man in my dreams be it a family member or whatever they completely change form. Maybe I'm just being silly now but this all just really bothers me. I want to have healthy relationships and be happy but how do I go about this when I don't even know where to start to fix the problem. I'm certain there's something wrong with me somewhere I'm just not really sure what it is. Why is it that these guys seem so normal at first? This is so scary to me.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated no matter how harsh.

Thanks,

Jolie

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:17pm
Hi Jolie..Welcome to the Board. The short answer to your question ("Why is it that these guys seem so normal at first?") is, quite simply, that things are not always as they seem. Shakespeare wrote about this decades ago, so the concept is certainly not new. I saw a lot of evidence in your post that would lead me to believe that you have come to the right conclusion about your boyfriend. I don't see long-term success there either. When he gets enraged when you don't agree with him or say the things he wants you to say, this is because, inside his mind, he has a belief system that tells him that he is ENTITLED to have this from you. He really cannot perceive the world any differently than catering to his needs first; despite the cost. And, I can tell you from experience that the "costs" grow ever more increasingly severe with time. For now, the cost is his explosion in your face, demoralizing comments, etc...In the future, it may be physical harm, throwing objects, financial or emotional intimidation, and ultimately, the robbing of your very sense of wellness and being in the world. Ever see that movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers?? Abusers don't steal your body, just your soul...leaving you an empty shell of the person you once were. As for your friends thinking you have it "all together" and are such a great judge of character, you are not alone in this. My DX was an attorney turned stock broker, the most likeable guy in the world, funny, intelligent, great looking, financially stable, came from a gr8 family,etc. And, from the outside, we were "perfect". All of us here have that same story to tell. To say that you are destined to be with an abuser is just not a fair or true statement and I think you are selling yourself short. You are in control of your choices and your destiny and you can make a choice to educate yourself fully and completely about the elements of abuse so that the warning signs become much more lucid to you when they present themselves. Let me give you an example: When I was first engaged to my DX and we went to some required pre-marital counseling with our Rabbi, it led to a conversation after the meeting where my DX told me that the only thing he absolutely would not tolerate from me was me disagreeing with him or contradicting him in public. Now, at the time, I didn't think much of this comment. In fact, I thought this was a totally normal thing to expect from a spouse -- that they be respectful and supportive...a united front to the world so-to-speak. Boy, did I miss a big red flag. You see, anyone who looks to stiffle your own thoughts, ideas or impressions, even if they disgree with their own is looking to CONTROL your content. The truth is that the only one who gets to control your content is YOU. The other person, then, always has the right to disagree with the content, ignore it, or remove themselves from the proximity of the content if it is unbearable. Coming forward to present day (and after 20 months away from my abuser/divorce), I dated a man recently who said something to the effect that a women should always know how to speak with a man and to never get up in their face. The minute he said it, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up...I was only able to recognize this flag due to the amount of ongoing reading, and learning about the elements of abuse. I know it sounds strange, but after a prolonged period of studying the various things abusers say and do, they are much more alike and recognizable than I once believed they were. The homepage (look for the link at the top of the page) is an excellent place to begin; the book often recommended here, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" is also an exceptional resource and insight into these kinds of men. Of-course, the best education of all is listening and reading others stories. Sadly, I think you will recognize your story retold over and over again. Please post as ofetn as you need; we're so glad you found us~~~gentle hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:19pm
Listen to this - it's an eye opener - it's from the guy that wrote the book "Why Does He Do That" and it goes into why we pick these men and why they have such a need to control...http://www.talktotara.com/audio/lundy_bancroft.ram
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:52am
Dear Jolie: I want to give your post some more thought before I respond, but I have to say, honey, reading your thoughts you really seem to have some good common sense! You seem to be thinking along the right track and recognizing these problems which is awesome. You probably are an excellent judge of character because as soon as men have shown these abusive tendencies, your eyes are open to them. Many people stay in these messes for years. I will write more later when I have a chance, but in the meantime, you keep on thinking the way you're thinking, girl. You're right on!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:45am
azmommy,

Thank you so very much for your reply. Thanks also for sharing some of your story with me. I totally understand where you're coming from when you discussed recognizing the signs and how you see them so much clearer now than ever before. There have been times in my life where little comments have been made by guys I was either thinking of dating or had just started dating that completely raised red flags for me and I was able to just nip those relationships in the bud before they even began.At those times I felt like the signs were so easy to see. I'm even able to warn my friends about potentially bad relationships by just meeting their guys one time. And I'm usually dead on with my instincts. The thing that I still have trouble with is the guys that tend to slip through the cracks and into my life. I wonder if maybe I'm sooo busy focusing on the positives in them that I'm not seeing the negatives for what they really are. I'm a very optimistic person and I try to see the good in everyone. I don't "look" for negativity in people at all.So should I now change the way I look at people initially. Instead of being an innocent until proven guilty kind of person should I become an "Everyone's guilty until otherwise proven" kind of person? My open mind and optimism go a long way in bsuiness and friends but in the realm of relationships it just gets me a hard time and a lot of pain.I don't want to go through this anymore. I really want to save myself in the future from all the heartache I'm experiencing now with bf.The sad thing is that I love him so much in spite of everything. That's why I haven't left him alone as yet. While I know it's not true, there's still an inkling of hope that he'll wake up one day and see how wrong he has been and how badly he has hurt me. The reason that I know that i'll never see this happen is because he doesn't even think there's a problem with himself. He thinks that it's me. He's always talking about how he acts the way he does because I make him act that way and he says that if I didn't act a certain way or do or say certain things that he wouldn't HAVE TO yell and scream and get crazy. While it makes me angry to hear him say those things I can't help but to feel sorry for him because I know that it's just typical abuser psychobabble. I know that he has problems that I can't begin to fix for him and that it doesn't matter who he's with these issues are always going to manifest themselves in his relationships. Even though he seems to think that the grass is greener on the other side(cheating). I know that I don't deserve this and I look forward to getting on with my life without him. I'm sooo glad that I found this board. You guys are really awesome!

Momesq,Thank you sooo very much for your support! Most of the time I don't know if I'm on the right track or not but it's nice to hear from someone who's chearing me on and letting me know that I'm atleast on the right path to where I'd like to end up. I sooo look forward to reading your in-depth reply!

Jolie