CONSCERNED ABOUT MY FUTURE...
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| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:00pm |
During the time that we were apart(4 months) I went out a few times and mostly had a telephone friendship with a guy at work. He seemed really nice but I expressed to him that I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious right away. He said ok and continued to be really nice to me and told me that he wanted me to meet his family and all of his friends and also told me that he felt that I was perfect and I was the one he had been waiting for his whole life. I got kinda upset with him telling me this partly because I had been down this road before but also because he hardly knew me and we weren't even dating seriously plus the fact that I told him I didn't want anything serious and that I was just getting out of a relationship. Ultimately I ended up telling this guy that it wasn't going to work out because I really didn't feel the same way about him and didn't want to waste his time or cause problems for him down the road. I told him that I just didn't want a relationship with him. He became really upset and started really being argumentative and then he proceeded to tell me that I had emmotional problems and that i was stupid. I couldn't believe he was acting that way so I told him that I was going to hang up on him and I did just that. He called back but I didn't answer my phone. He left several horrible messages calling me all sorts of names and saying the craziest meanest things(mind you I work with this guy). The odd thing is that when we got to work the next day he was very nice and apologized for his behavior and started saying things to try and make me feel sorry for him. I just told him to forget about it and that I wanted our relationship to be strictly professional from here on out and he said ok and it's been that way since then. Shortly after that is when bf came back into my life and we have been together ever since.
I'm really worried because it seems like at this point even if I leave bf which I really feel I should, I'm almost destined to end up with an abusive man be it verbally, emotionally and maybe even physically the next time around. I don't want this for myself. I've seen my mom be hit in the past by my stepfather(she's no longer with him) and I've heard her talk about being hit by my father a long long time ago and she's been in a relationship for over 10 yrs with her bf and he's not physical with her at all but he's very demanding and she's extremely passive. She never argues with anything he says and she always does exactly as he tells her to.I don't want to live like that but is that what I'm heading for? I feel like the older I get and the closer I get to marriage etc. the more abusive the guys i date get. I think that even if I decide to suck it up and stay with bf that it's going to get worse and that by the time it's all said and done I'm going to have possibly no self esteem left and he's going to disrespect me in every possible way every chance he gets and I wouldn't even be too surprised if he became physically violent with me later on down the line. At the same time I feel like if I leave him and even a yr from now start seeing someone new that everything will be fine at first but then he's going to turn into a monster. I know I even think these things and may even KNOW them subconsciously because in just about every dream I have at night people are not who they are supposed to be. I could be having a conversation with a man in a dream and if I turn away and then look at him again he's turned into either another person entirely(literally) or an animal of some sort(i.e cat,dog,horse).This happens in just about every dream I have. Every man in my dreams be it a family member or whatever they completely change form. Maybe I'm just being silly now but this all just really bothers me. I want to have healthy relationships and be happy but how do I go about this when I don't even know where to start to fix the problem. I'm certain there's something wrong with me somewhere I'm just not really sure what it is. Why is it that these guys seem so normal at first? This is so scary to me.
Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated no matter how harsh.
Thanks,
Jolie

Thank you so very much for your reply. Thanks also for sharing some of your story with me. I totally understand where you're coming from when you discussed recognizing the signs and how you see them so much clearer now than ever before. There have been times in my life where little comments have been made by guys I was either thinking of dating or had just started dating that completely raised red flags for me and I was able to just nip those relationships in the bud before they even began.At those times I felt like the signs were so easy to see. I'm even able to warn my friends about potentially bad relationships by just meeting their guys one time. And I'm usually dead on with my instincts. The thing that I still have trouble with is the guys that tend to slip through the cracks and into my life. I wonder if maybe I'm sooo busy focusing on the positives in them that I'm not seeing the negatives for what they really are. I'm a very optimistic person and I try to see the good in everyone. I don't "look" for negativity in people at all.So should I now change the way I look at people initially. Instead of being an innocent until proven guilty kind of person should I become an "Everyone's guilty until otherwise proven" kind of person? My open mind and optimism go a long way in bsuiness and friends but in the realm of relationships it just gets me a hard time and a lot of pain.I don't want to go through this anymore. I really want to save myself in the future from all the heartache I'm experiencing now with bf.The sad thing is that I love him so much in spite of everything. That's why I haven't left him alone as yet. While I know it's not true, there's still an inkling of hope that he'll wake up one day and see how wrong he has been and how badly he has hurt me. The reason that I know that i'll never see this happen is because he doesn't even think there's a problem with himself. He thinks that it's me. He's always talking about how he acts the way he does because I make him act that way and he says that if I didn't act a certain way or do or say certain things that he wouldn't HAVE TO yell and scream and get crazy. While it makes me angry to hear him say those things I can't help but to feel sorry for him because I know that it's just typical abuser psychobabble. I know that he has problems that I can't begin to fix for him and that it doesn't matter who he's with these issues are always going to manifest themselves in his relationships. Even though he seems to think that the grass is greener on the other side(cheating). I know that I don't deserve this and I look forward to getting on with my life without him. I'm sooo glad that I found this board. You guys are really awesome!
Momesq,Thank you sooo very much for your support! Most of the time I don't know if I'm on the right track or not but it's nice to hear from someone who's chearing me on and letting me know that I'm atleast on the right path to where I'd like to end up. I sooo look forward to reading your in-depth reply!
Jolie