It's over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
It's over...
3
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:02am
The hearing went smoothly yesterday. He consented to a one year protection order, so I didn't have to prove anything. My lawyer was very careful to position himself between us and the few glimpses I caught of Sean, he had his face covered and was trying to not look at me either. He was crying and as soon as it was over, he high tailed it out of there. I do feel very bad that our relationship had to end like this. I feel bad and like I abandoned him when he needed me. He is going through so much with his drug/alcohol addiction and his mental health problems. But, he never really accepted my help, just my money. And he used me to vent his frustrations. And then I think about all the times he wasn't there physically, emotionally when I needed him and I don't feel quite so bad. I really hope that I don't have any problems and that he sticks to the order. I just hope that I can stay strong and don't try to go back, because I do miss him dreadfully and all the good times we did have. But, every bad time got worse and would have continued to get worse. Wish me luck on staying strong. Thanks for listening.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:47am
Hugs, Jen. I'm glad all went smoothly but sorry for the impact it had on you. Yes, it's sad when a relationship ends and you have to honor that and mourne the loss. But please don't take on the guilt. If your H is an alcoholic/drug addict, he needs to find recovery and you took a big step toward him realizing that he has a problem and there are negative, even devastating, consequences to his actions. If you failed to take this step you would have enabling him to continue this behavior. Having taken it and ended the marriage, you're actually giving him an opportunity to confront his demons. I'm an alcoholic/addict in recovery myself (18 months clean and sober!) and it wasn't until I realized some devastating consequences of my actions did I actually begin to understand that the "party" was over. In my case, it wasn't my H who refused to show me some pity, it was a disinterested third-party. In any event, his failure to "understand" my situation and forcing me to accept the consequences of my drinking/drugging was the biggest and most profound step toward my acceptance that I have a disease. Far from having resentment toward that person today, I thank God he entered my life and forced me to see what I was doing and where I was headed. He opened me eyes, and my life is so much better today than it ever would have been if I had stayed on the road I was on.

There's nothing shameful about alcoholism and drug addiction. They are diseases. Your H needs to get with that and make some changes. There's nothing you can do. Feeling sorry for him will not help him in any way and it will hurt you. Your pity will not motivate him to do what he has to do. In fact, it will probably keep him from doing what he needs to do. You did a loving and caring thing for both of you, especially you, and I applaud you for that. Whenever you feel like you're weakening toward him, remember that he has a disease that he is not taking responsibility for and there is truly nothing you can do to help him. Love and forgiveness do not cure alcoholism/addiction. Stay true to your path, honey. You're doing great! Love, hugs, and stay strong vibes comin' your way!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:52am
Jen honey my heart goes out to you.

Sitting in a court room in front of a judge with a lawyer getting a protection order against a man you cared for isn't easy.

I've been there too many times and I'm not proud of it. I have a file in the court house that starts out C vs R, then progresses to R vs R. I left that man so many times, i got restraining order after restraining order. I stood infront of the same judge so many he was sick of me. I was fined 25 dollars once for wasting the courts time.

Well thats my story, but for you all I can say is kiddo keep posting and keep responding to other women on the board. Even if you don't have any answer's and your heart is broken, reach out and offer a hug to someone else. In this way you will make friends on the board and healing will happen. Also call your local domestic violense shelter and look into going for group support there. Its free. It is fun, its sad, its not horrible. You will heal there. I resisted going to the shelter for support for a long time, but once I did my healing really took off. You can go and just listen you don't have to share if you don't want to.

Do your self a favor, get thru just one minute at a time and know that this won't be easy but the feeling and the pain will pass. Each day little by little you'll get stronger. There is a moment in there though when you'll think I just can't do this. But you can. Get thru that emotion even if you have to cry till you think you're heart will explode. You will not feel that way for ever. You won't. The sadness will pass and healing can begin.

Healing doesn't happen by accident either. We must take care of ourselves. By resting when we can. If you can't sleep then get in comfortable PJ's and get yourself a blankie and cry with a big box of tissues. Write in a journal, play happy music, watch silly tv, remember to drink lots of water your body needs it. Eat healthy food even if your not hungry and you can't eat, try to eat something light and healthy. We have a body mind and spirit connection and each area needs to heal. So body - eat and rest, mind - go tto counseling focus on positive things write a gratitude list everyday, spirit - talk gently to yourself, don't be harsh when speaking to yourself.

I hope what I meant to say came out correctly. Be good to Jen. You matter you are the only Jen that ever was or ever will be and you are a gift to this world!

Like every other little one that was ever born on this planet you matter and you can and will heal.

Hugs

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:00am
Hi Momesq1991!

Congratulations on your 18months!! You go girl! You are a miracle! I'm in recovery too! May 12, 1993 is my sobriety date.

Take care

Cathy