He found a therapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
He found a therapist
7
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:22pm
I finally talked to my H last night. We have had no contact since the incident, until last night. I learned that he has been attending "AA" meetings and seeking professional help. He and his father have been to 9 different places and after spending a great deal of time and money looking for someone who was willing to cooperate with his demands, he found someone. What his demands were: He wanted someone who would allow me to have access to information on his progress. He also needed someone who would be willing to present his evaluation to the court.

My H told me last night that the therapist thinks that he has ADD & Bipolar Disorder (manic depression). I had assumed in the past that something was wrong and had made suggestions to him about seeing someone. His fear of losing his CDL has always stood in the way. Unfortunately, it took a major outburst to make him go seek help. He has an appointment in 2 weeks to see a doctor who can make a proper diagnosis. I have been doing a little research on Bipolar Disorder and the symptoms are all there.

He appears to fully understand that this is not an excuse for his behavior and feels a great deal of remorse. He also appears to fully understand that I do not want him to be around me and the children until he is fully diagnosed and undergoing treatment.

It may be helpful to some of you to do some research to see if any of your guys have the same symptoms. There is always a possibility that they could be severely sick and not know it. I know that some men would be in total denial about such things and don't want any help of any kind. I am proud of my H for admitting that he has a problem. He has taken the first steps into recovery. But, I refuse to lose sight of what happened and will not allow him back into our home until I see results.

My prayers are with you all. I will keep you all updated on how things are going.

Hugs,

Harley

Psychiatry24x7.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:50pm

Harley,


While I am glad that your H is seeking help, there are a lot of reasons to be highly suspicious of this.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:17pm
I understand your concerns and I have read "How to tell if he is changing or not" a billion times and will probably read it a billion more. Please do not take this as any disrespect towards you.

I have been doing some research on his therapist. She has been practicing psychotherapy for over 20 yrs. She deals with spousal abuse, anger management, drug abuse, and psychiatric disorders. My H 'feels' comfortable talking to her about what he has done (including the substance abuse). He is willing to do whatever she suggest and he realizes that he may have to be on medication and will probably be working with her for years to come. He admits that he is in this alone, but needs for his family and I to know what is going on with him, and we all need to know what we can do to deal with his personality disorder.

I am not saying that I have put my guard down. I am just simply saying that I am not going to give up on my H just yet. If there is even a 1% chance that he can learn to deal with himself and his past and change his way of thinking, then I will be here to support him emotionally. Who knows...maybe he will be part of that 1% that will never raise his hand again in anger. It is way to soon to tell. I refuse to pass judgement on him. It is not my place.

Thank you again for your concern. I will continue to keep you updated.

Hugs...

Harley

P.S. He is also attending NA as well as AA. He has covered every problem that has contributed to his self destruction. He is on the right path & I pray that he continues.

Avatar for chaotican
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:09pm
Hi Harley,

I wanted to share some of my experiences because I totally understand how you are feeling right now.

My husband (ex) started to become physically abusive in August of 2000. I reacted like I'd hoped I would and it was a huge issue and in January of 2001, I insisted that he leave. He did, but he returned the next month. And, in March, he admitted that he was mentally ill and went on a medical leave and we sought treatment. I was so relieved to be able to understand why he did things that made no sense. I was committed to seeing him through his treatment, just as he was committed to completing it and being a better person to me.

First, the diagnosis and the doctor was wrong. He went through many different medications. Many different behavior modifications. The abuse continued. I started to go with him to his appointments, and his medications were again altered with my input. He would "lose control" and we'd go back and find a new medication. He attended anger management classes. I had sessions with his therapist. We went to couples counseling together. Things would seem to go well, but invariably, we would have another abusive episode.

When I left him, he was arrested and convicted of misdemeanor domestic violance. Part of the sentence was that he had to get counciling. His lawyer had him in counciling even before he was sentenced. He saw a new therapist who diagnosed Bipolar disorder. It made a lot of sense to me. It explained a lot. I decided to wait and observe him and see how he did with the treatment. It helped for awhile. And yet, within a few months, he showed all the same signs of abuse.

Then he went to his weekly domestic violance intervention meetings. Everything I had heard said that the group meetings had the greatest chance of sucess. He admitted to everything in these meetings (or so he told me) and he was praised as one of the star pupils. He learned so much. He became capable of understanding all of my feelings and he was wracked with guilt over the pain he had caused me. He would call me and tell me about how he learned that some of the tactics he used to use with me have been known to cause insanity in people. He would cry and cry and tell me that he didn't deserve even my friendship and he was so gentil now and would never hurt anyone. By this time, luckily, I had no desire to even think about a future with him. I thought he may really have changed. He hadn't. When the motivation was enough, he raged again.

He may not be violent now, but I bet he would be if given the right motivation. He'll always rage when he needs to. He'll always be an abuser. All the times that I KNEW that we had found the answer and everything would be ok...all of those times resulted in a broken heart when he'd rage at me again. I just want to warn you that this could happen to you, too. Please be careful. Don't make the condition that he be in treatment before you'll reconcille. Make the condition that he be CURED. That he gets himself on track, proves that he is safe, and then you can think about getting back together with him.

I sat next to someone on an airplane not too long ago. She worked in an insane assylum. We had lots to talk about, of course. She told me that she sees the most progress in patients who have serious disorders. Bipolar would be one of those, but I seriously doubt that bipolar disorder is what is making your husband hurt you. It is a personality disorder, a choice, that causes abuse. She told me that personality disorders don't get cured. Medication doesn't help them, and people rarely get over them.

Watch out for yourself and please be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:35pm

I understand what you are saying.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:02pm
Even "if" he is Bipolar, I don't know if I could handle it. The research that I have done makes me wonder. I am in limbo here. I really want to believe that he can get better and he wants to believe it too. There is sometimes an acception to the rule and I believe that if an abuser is determined enough, and really wants to help himself, and is not going to therapy for "all the wrong reasons", then there is hope.

There have been cases where men have abused there spouse and take that extra step to get help for themselves, repair their marriages and move on with their lives. I am not trying to give anyone 'false hope' here, but I do know that it is possible. I do not plan on having him return home anytime in the near future. It is way too early in the game to even know for sure what is exactly wrong with him. The therapist is going to give me a call on Monday and ask me some questions about my H. I am prepared to tell her anything that she needs to know.

Thanks again for the concern. I am taking things slowly...

Hugs,

Harley

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:14pm
Well, Harley, here's my two cents. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict and I've been clean and sober for 18months. Never felt better. I attend NA and AA meetings regularly and work the 12 steps. You wouldn't recognize the "me" that sits in this office practicing law today from the "me" of 18 months ago when I was an out of control lunatic. Alcoholism and drug addictions are diseases, and I know what everyone says about being drunk or high being no excuse for abusing someone, but let me assure you that having been in that position I did some horrendously crazy, dangerous, and yes, maybe even abusive things. If you are truly an alcoholic or drug addict, putting either of these substances into your body does make you crazy; it makes you do things you probably wouldn't ordinarily. Our reaction to drugs and alcohol CANNOT be compared to a "normal" person's responses. We have something like an allergy that makes our minds go crazy. This is not a cop-out; its real.

I sit in meetings every day with people, both men and women, who did some hideous things during their days of active addiction. And yes, they abused their spouses (men and women admit to this). After getting clean and sober, they were able to work on these issues and once they put down the bottles forever, never did it again. Some of these folks robbed, stole, killed, etc., but were able to go on to live productive lives once they got clean and sober.

This is not all good news, though, honey. Recovery takes alot of dedication and commitment and TIME! And the odds of actually "getting it" are slim. I am very blessed to have worked for what we call "a reprieve" from active addiction for 18 months. I work very hard on this and wouldn't want to give up a second of the way my life has been since I got sober. And if your spouse has other mental health issues as well, obviously, that complicates things further.

I guess what I want to say here is that your H has a chance to improve his life by getting into recovery, and I sure hope and pray for him, as one addict to another, that he makes it. It doesn't mean all of his behavior, etc., is attributable to this disease. It MIGHT be a factor - a huge factor. But you won't know unless and until he gets some recovery. JMHO, harley. "Thanks for Sharing."

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:42pm
Thank you for your support "momesq". I was beginning to think that everyone was against me supporting my H. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict myself. I have been in an abusive relationship before, and there was absolutely "no one" on this earth that could make Harvey stop abusing drugs and alcohol. He was as good as gold when he was sober. The minute that he drank, all hell broke lose. I stayed with him for 4 yrs. before I finally woke up to the reality that he did not "want" to stop and I sure as heck couldn't stop him. When I left him, I attended AA and NA for 3 yrs. I no longer have the desire to abuse alcohol or drugs. (I admit to doing some pretty awful things too while under the influence). I also attended group therapy for Domestic Abuse and drug abuse.

My H's therapist told him that he has a chemical imbalance and when he drinks or uses drugs, the imbalance gets thrown even more out of wack.

He seems to want help more than anything, including me and my boys. Thank you for praying for him. I think that once he has been clean for awhile and gets on medication for his disorder, we can start thinking about working things out. He has a huge support system. If he ever feels the need to drink or turn to a chemicl substance, he has a list of ppl that he can call.

It is way too soon for me to assume that he is going to get better, and it is too soon to tell if he isn't. Only time will tell and I sincerely think that he is ready to do this.

Thanks again and God Bless,

Harley