Moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Moving on
5
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:21pm
I dont know if this is a vent or what hehe. I just keep getting these feelings that I should try to work things out with my husband. Sometimes I feel like maybe I havent tried hard enough...maybe I am wrong about labeling him an abuser. Maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion and am going to be hurting my son by doing what I am doing. Am I just being selfish? Am I just giving up too easily?

I guess maybe I still need to convince myself that yes he is a controlling and abusive person. But sometimes when I read on here what some of you have gone through it just makes me feel like I am blowing what has happened with my husband out of proportion. That maybe I am wrong. He never hit me. He never called me names but somehow I think my love died for him over the years. Slowly until I just had to tell him one day that I wasnt attracted to him anymore. Then his behavior got worse and more controlling.

I dunno I guess maybe I am just scared and worried and just wishing that he could have been the person that I wanted him to be. For us to have had a happy life together and I guess I cant say that we have. He has these excuses for his behavior but I truly dont think he ever thought about how I have felt or how what he was doing affected and hurt me. Maybe I should have said more to him...I have a hard time telling him what I am thinking and feeling anymore. I dont think I was always like that. At least I hope so.

I guess that him sleeping on the couch almost our entire marriage is one of the biggest issues between us. And children. I have wanted more and he just told me one day that it was tough if I wanted more and that he would get himself fixed. I felt so crushed when he told me that. Like he had just been stringing me along all these years since my son was born...telling me next year will be a year to talk about having kids. Always next year.

Anyway. I guess when I analyze it he also has been controlling for a long time. I basically was home 6 days a week for 4 years with my son. I would go out for groceries and then go visit my mom and sister one day of the week. He never ever encouraged me to build relationships with his family...and he himself doesnt talk to anyone but the brother that lives nextdoor to us. We did nothing until a year ago when I confronted him and told him how unhappy I was. And by nothing I mean that we never did anything together special. No dinners out..no little vacations...no trips to the park...no movies together...nothing. I went with my mom and sister places and with my son I would go to the park...but my husband never went. When my son was in the 1st grade my husband didnt want me to leave the house while DS was in school. My cousin invited me to go to canada(about 45mins or so from my house) with her for an afternoon to go shopping in the Little Italy part of town and go to an Italian restaurant. He basically told me I couldnt go..gave me a guilt trip about going...what would happen if our son got hurt at school and I wasnt there? I also just remembered recently an incident from when we were first dating and I had several male friends at the time and how he had told me that one of my good buddies had called me a whore and said I was sleeping around at work...but then he would never tell me who said that.

I guess it is just hard to go through all this. I wish that he would have turned into the guy that was happy that I was pregnant. That would have wanted to feel the baby kick. That I could have had fun with shopping and planning for our baby. That would have loved to have helped me with the baby. That would have found joy in children and wanted more with me. That would have loved to have taken our son for special father son time. That would have taken me out to special dinners or to a movie or even to just spend family time at the park. I just wish that my dream could have been real and to accept that even a future with him is not going to happen is painful...even when I look back and see who he really is I still have the small hope that he could change and that maybe I am being too harsh on him.

I guess I feel that it is over but I still have a small part of me that wishes for and dreams or longs for that dream guy that I thought he was. I havent missed him in the 2 months that I have been gone. I have had no pangs of gee I wish he would call me.I have not really had any feelings of love left for him. I care about him as a person and really dont want to hurt him. But it is hard to let go and give up the dream. Hard to hold my head up when people know that I left my husband. Hard to stay strong. And I am ever so grateful that you all are here because without you I would truly be alone. Thank you for helping me to have the strength to go on and do what in my heart I feel is right.

I love you all.

Hugs,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: reemeow
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:55pm
oh ree, how could you have tried harder? what could you really do to make this work? youaren't labeling him as an abuser. he is an abuser!!! name calling is just as bad as psyical abuse. just b/c you can't see the marks doesn't mean it's not effecting you.

tell me how you are hurting your son. by taking him out of an environment not is not good for him. by teaching him that he can't talk to females that way. that name calling isn't how you respond to ppl. sorry to be so direct, you are doing the right thing.

really wouldn't it be great if we could change these men and make them something they should want to be. it would be great, but it's not going to happen. you have to let go of those ideas b/c it's just not possible.

it is possible to move on. it just takes time and support. don't start thinking about what you could have done, but what he didn't do. that helped me.

hugs,

mel

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:14pm
Gentle hugs ree. You're in a place many of us were, are, will be. Don't try to overanalyze too much, all you'll do is get dizzy in the whirlwind of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's.

You do not have to give up your dreams ree. Right now you are with someone who does not wish to share in your dreams, so it's time you found yourself, re-establish your dreams and find the one who will.

First you need time alone to work out what has happened here and deal with it. You have to deal with the pain, the inner work to accept what is before you. But once you do, once you've left this pain and moved on to a better, happier life for yourself and your son, you will find that dream.

It will also give more happiness to your son and the children that are yet to be born to you and that special someone who will be there for you and the children.

You are not leaving the dream, only a place where you've tried to make the dream a reality and have not found it. It will not materialize for you here ree, it waits beyond what you have now.

So keep your path ree, stay true to your dream. From our dreams come our reality and without dreams we live an empty life. Don't force yourself to lose this dream, go forwards and find it.

We are human and therefore imperfect. No one is perfect but that doesnt' mean we should not try. It takes work, it takes commitment to heal, but we are worth that effort. Be the best you can make yourself and the rewards will follow. You don't have to settle for less than you dream.

Hope this all made sense,,

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 7:47am
ree~

Ok, let's just suppose for one minute that your h isn't abusive.....does that make you any happier in your marriage? Maybe some women do fall into the "abuse trump card" and claim abuse to create necessary changes in the marriage (my sister did this)....but read your post again.

What I read is someone who is not keeping his end of the vows.....someone who doesn't seem to care about your wishes, desires or happiness. Someone who has a lack of respect for you. Someone so self-involved, that he can't see the hurt he is inflicting on his family by not being an active participant. Someone so childish and narcissistic that he didn't want you to have a life outside of the home except one day a week....ONE DAY!?! And how did you spend that day? With your Mom and sister AND at the grocery store....is THAT the fulfilling life that you want to lead? When is the LAST time your h said to you "What was meaningful in your day today?" "What is your dream for 5 years from now?" "What do you want to accomplish by the end of the year?" Has he even asked these questions? Do you think he even cares?

By all means, I am not judging you or criticizing you. I've been where you are at...minus the moving out part. But I know ALL about the doubt, the fear, the wondering "what if". Maybe you have to go back and re-work it. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it will get worse. No one can ever say or predict. And I think that if you do go back, it will just strengthen your resolve to leave the next time, because you have tried.

I know from my own experience that I have tried countless times....that I've given ALL that I got to my marriage...and I learned the hard way it did nothing but suck me dry...and left me bitter, jaded, angry and oh, so sad. I was/am a damn good wife and mother...and I never deserved the treatment I received. I had to be stubborn and learn it my own way....despite friends telling me as long as 8-10 years ago that my h was controlling and emotionally abusive. But its strengthened my resolve (which I'll be posting in my own post) and I know I can walk from this knowing that I have nothing left to give.

Do what you feel is right for you....even if that means moving back. You know that you can always come here and talk and read....and we are here. But by all means, DON"T give up on the school....you deserve that.

Big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:40am
Sounds like you are doing what we all must do working it out step by step and do not ever think that your situation did not warrant you leaving because abuse is abuse regardless of what form it takes, remember that. I think you aremaking wonderfulprogress, I think we need work through stuff inour minds, inwriting and intalking to others because if we do not then it sits inside of us never getting resolved. You are doing great especially considering the obstacles you are up against,plus trying to raise a son on your own, you deserve so much credit for your courage and your strength. Also, just by reading your psots I know you have indeed done all you could for your marriage, as all of us here have or do, I myself agonzied over wondering if I too did everything but I just had to think back to each time I swallowed my pain, my hurt and out my heart back into it only to have it stomped on and handed back to me. It is now time to take care of yourself and put all your effort into yourslef and your beautiful child. i am absolutely amazed at the changes in my kids and in myself since we left, my dd sleeps so well and her appetite is growing and I am finally begining to let go of my anxiety and my self doubt and it is great! But we take these steps day by day and I try not to ask to much of myself, remember we are human and we canget overwhelmed. keep up the good work and keep posting because your story is inspiration not just to us but to anyone who may be reading it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: reemeow
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:55am
Thank you all so much for the support and caring. You all truly mean so much to me. Thank you, Thank you, thank you. I posted in another thread but also wanted to say it here....I really dont think that I will be going back to him...but I do still have that voice in me that asks those questions. Whenever I talk to my husband I think I have just been getting more and more angry towards him lately.

Today he called and talked to me and said that I had to do some errands for him this week. I said Oh really? It really irked me that he was telling me that I had to run around for him. I told him he could have asked me instead of telling me. He said that he could just keep the car another week instead of bringing it back to me tommorrow. I just thought...whatever. He is also asking if he can have it back again when he goes on vacation in 3 weeks...and if he doesnt get it back he is going to borrow one of my dads cars...he said that he has asked around and noone else has a car for him to borrow and that my dad had told him that he shouldnt go out and buy a car or rent one... that he would give him one of his. I dont know why but that really upset me. That my dad is offering him a car. And that he isnt hesitating to take him up on it and twisting it to make me feel guilty. Poor him that he doesnt have a car....boo hoo...and my dad is going to help him out. Like he doesnt have his own money to get another car or his own family to help him(he has 5 siblings). He has to yet again bring my family into this and twist it around to make me feel bad. I could just smack him. Sigh. Well it is late and I had better try to get some sleep.

Again huge hugs to you all.

Thanks for being there and listening.

Ree