I know I shouldn't have...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
I know I shouldn't have...
3
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:49am
but, I went and saw Sean yesterday. I felt that I had to say goodbye in a more decent way without a judge and the police. I took my friends with me, so I didn't go alone and we met at a Starbucks, so I was very careful. He was terrified that I was setting him up (because of the PO), but he came anyway. He doesn't want to go back in jail...when he was in there the two nights after he was arrested, apparantly he was almost raped. I doubt I'll have much trouble with him harrassing me if he has that threat over his head. I was very impressed that he didn't try to get me to take him back. He told me that he hoped that someday we would be able to work it out, but that he understood that I needed time. I am also impressed that he has been managing to find a place to stay (no one will take him in and he can't leave the state). With me around he never would have bothered to take care of himself. For the first time in his life he has to rely on himself. He says he has been taking his medication and has stopped drinking (it has been one week, so I am not holding my breath). He says that my kicking him out was the best and most loving thing I ever could have done for him.

I told him that I hoped the best for him, that I loved him but that I had to take care of myself first for once, since I never had. That even though I had promised to stick by him no matter what that I never realized I was gambling with my physical safety and that he needed to understand that. I told him we both need time to heal and collect ourselves and that if we are meant to be together that we can handle a year without contact to work on our own lives and issues. And that either way we would both be better people for it. I really feel now that I said goodbye on decent terms that I will have an easier time moving on with my life. You are the only people I can talk to about this. My family would have my head on a plate if they found out I had so much as looked at him. So, thanks much for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 7:27am
Please remember that you have a Protective ORder on him and you had one issued on him for a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:42am
It sounds as if you are quite clear on exactly what you want and how you feel so I think getting closure for yourself is a fine thing to do. You obviously have control of the situation and sometimes we need that final goodbye to put it all to rest. Your lucky, i am attached to my stbx one way or another for the rest of my life or for however long he wants to pay attention to his children.I wish I could just say good bye, I have a feeling our lived would be much easier without him popping in and out as he pleases.

Your attitude sound a lot like mine in that we have both "stood by our man" through drinking and they both are now taking their medication and you are so right to be wary of his week long soberness, it will not last. I actually thought mine was doing so well with drinking, turned out he was popping pills instead. Also, the idea of a year is exactly what I have done. Now, I have been out almost 2 months and things are already starting to crack, missing times with the kids, getting mad at me, I found empties in the garage when I went to get some stuff out of the house.

Whatever you do keep your distance from him, especially if he turns on the charm and really looks like he is changing, chances are it is all an act and sooner or later the facade will begin to crack and his true personality will show. Remember how long it takes for it to emerge in the first place, the only do it when they feel safe that we are hooked. If he thinks you are convinved he has changed then it will all be unleashed again.

Stay strong and continue posting, your courage and clarity are a wonderful example to us all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:01pm
I really appreciate your concern. I know that what I did was not exactly the "right" thing to do. But, I felt I had to. I have felt so miserable seeing the man I love taken away in handcuffs, hearing he was almost raped, then having a judge say our relationship was over. I needed to do it my way with just him and me and no legal documents. I feel so much more at peace now and have no desire to talk to him or see him. I know that those feelings will come and go, but at least I know I was able to say goodbye. If he tattles, then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I am moving anyway soon, so the living arrangement is little trouble and he won't know where I am to call or try to visit me, so...I really do feel that what I did was right. Believe me, I am afraid of what he might do when he gets into a rage like that again and I don't want to have to live like that. I have made and am sticking firm to my decision. Thanks again for your concern.