Well, I "officially" filed for divorce..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Well, I "officially" filed for divorce..
11
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:32am
and now the only thing left to do is have my h served with the summons. Of course, trying to be the "compassionate" one here and give him the options...I asked him where he wanted to be served....he said "in Church". He also asked for 2 weeks so he can start interviewing lawyers...so that would be Good Friday...in Church. I asked him if he thought he would do his own version of the Passion of Christ? Hey, whatever floats his boat.

My lawyer changed a few of the grounds that I was not comfortable with, which I was pleased and we went over financial stuff. I keep thinking that we both will take such a hit financially with this...gosh, why didn't he see this before. Even worse, I'll be the one with the worse financial prospects in the future due to my career path....but at least I'll be free.

Last night, he was crying and begging again....and I basically said "I'm done with you...there is no more to do". He woke me up in the middle of the night. He actually came downstairs, where I have slept on the floor since July, and cried his heart out, sobbing. He kept apologizing again and again, and I said that I knew he was sorry, but its too late for all that now....he's destroyed what I had left, that he had 7 years to do otherwise. I told him I would never trust any of the changes he would ever make. He kept saying how he was suffering and how he couldn't understand why God would let him suffer...I told him he should then read the Book of Job and to stop questioning God. He kept asking me to just hold him or just reach out and touch him and I refused to. I finally just rolled over and went back to sleep.

This morning it was more of the same, crying begging routine. I told him he is NEVER to wake me up at night again for his mini-meltdowns....that if he wants to talk to me it has to be on MY time. He then said, in a very hurtful voice, "I can't believe you don't want to be there for me". LOL...guess what? WRONG THING TO SAY!!! All of a sudden, this rage came from deep from within me.....I unleashed a torrent of words that I don't think he's ever seen.....I began by asking him when has he been there for ME in the past 7 years when I promised to take him back? What about the times I was crying and upset and he turned and walked away? What about the times I was stressed and needed his help? That he was so completely selfish to think I should be there in the middle of the night for him when he hasn't given me anything in several years!!!!

I told him I was a damn good wife and mother...that I kept my end of the vows being supportive for all his career and educational goals, through the various moves to different states, and moving to take care of his parents, etc. etc. He kept agreeing with me that I was an excellent wife and mother.....again, wrong answer....I said "Oh really???? Were you thinking that when you spit in my face? Were you thinking that when you called me selfish and self centered for the past 3 years? Were you thinking that when you did NOTHING for me on Mother's Day 2002? Were you thinking that when I would come home from work, exhausted and depleted and you would just say "hey this is what you wanted" when you came home from drinking with co-workers?? Were you thinking that every time you said I was crazy like my mother? Were you thinking that when you actively prevented me from having a life outside this house...when you didn't come home when you knew I had plans to go out?" By this point I was screaming at him....and all he did was stood and cry and apologized.

I said its too late....I'm done, I have nothing left to give. IF he ever loved me, he would give me my freedom back. That up until now, he's only loved me in a selfish and conditional way....and to truly love me would me to just let me go. That for 15 years I have not lived my life according to me...I lived it according to him and its time to find me again...and I want MY name back, I want ME back...he can no longer have it.


Today, I'm just numb, bitter, angry, hurt, sad, confused, and scared. But I know that by taking these steps, I'm taking control of my life and I'm reclaiming ME. My friends who have been through divorce say that what I am experiencing is normal...and to expect to be all over the road for a while with my emotions.

All I keep thinking, though, is dammit, I was/am a good wife and mother...and I never deserved this treatment.

and I don't think I'll recover from all of this :-(

dharma

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:20am
Dharma

A special hug to you. Just keep focused and it will all work out. Don't be surprised that once he is done crying that he will get mean. Start securing anything you want to keep now. Tomorrow will mark exactly four months of freedom for me...ah the first day of spring. In fact, I kept in the back of my mind that all will be okay when I see my first daffodil. You know what? I truly am going to enjoy those daffodils this year. I didn't think I was going to make it either. I look back on it now and wonder how I made it through all those years. Was I a mess...yep. Everyone kept saying, it will get better. It does, it truly does. You are in my thoughts.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:32am
Oh Dharma! How powerful you must have felt to be able to say all of those things! I remember so vividly feeling all of those feelings you described when he seemed so genuine and sincere in his pain. You're right- even his remorse was self-centered! Seems like he is even trying to control the acceptance of service to make it some sort of bizarre religious pity party for him.

Just a word of caution... mine did the exact same routine that yours is doing now.. the begging, the wanting to talk in the middle of the night, the religious thing... when he realized that I was in the same frame of mind that you are and that it wasn't going to work- he got very scary. Keep on your toes and listen to your gut. Be ready for anything- they can be so unpredictable.

You are headed into such a wonderful place Dharma! The kids and I have much less money and far, far fewer things, but life is SO much better. You will be there soon and I can't wait to welcome you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:15am
Dharma, honey, big hugs to you! I know how you've agonized over this, and I know you've done the right thing.

But, Terry is right about watching out for him once the tears and remorse are over with. Mine acted the exact same way when I first left, but as we progressed toward the point where I actually filed for divorce, he got really nasty. That's when he really started to act up, almost as bad as some of the instances when we still lived together.

So, it may get worse before it gets better, but it *will* get better. And when it does, you'll ask yourself, "Why didn't I do this *years* ago?" Yes, things will get difficult. You'll feel sad, regretful, and even nostalgic for him and the relationship you *should* have had with each other. But remember -- that's not the reality. You know what it was *really* like living with him, and so do your kids. Just don't lose sight of that, and know that you really *are* doing the right thing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll feel SO much better when all of this is over.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:47pm
egads~I feel like I'm wavering already. Seeing my h begging and crying is taking a toll...but yet I've seen this before and have told him so. I told him that his constant coming to me, crying and begging is selfish and causing me pain...and he profusely apologized and said he won't hurt me anymore like that. He keeps saying over and over just how much he loves me and how sorry he is....and I told him that he had 7 YEARS to say these things to me, to build our marriage up, to become a different man.....he had 2462 days to say these things, to change things....why now? Why should I believe him now, when I know he is running scared?

Right now the fear is creeping in, alongside the self doubt and the "what ifs"....and they are getting louder. The thought of just calling it off and maybe this was enough of a shock for him to change is popping in my head...but yet, I keep reminding myself that he had his chance...and remember the pain of all the things said and done to me.

And the lowest blows come when he appeals to the compassionate side of me....I used to work with hardcore addicts...I would determine if they would be sent to treatment or not--many times, people would fail out SEVERAL TIMES and I would cut them a break and give them another chance...because I always felt "well, you never know, maybe they'll sober up this time". My husband took my hands and through his tears and said to me "I'm begging you to show me at least some of the same compassion that you showed the heroin addicts; when you told me that everyone deserves another chance. Please let me show you that I can change--please give me another chance"

How am I going to continue to fight that? My heart is absolutely breaking...and I believe he knows this. I still contend that he had all this time to see these things...and I don't believe for one minute that he sees himself as the problem--IF he did, he would've entered therapy a LONG time ago...LIKE I DID!!!! I've been in and out of therapy more times I can remember trying to fix what was wrong with ME, to realize...hey, maybe its NOT ME!!!

But still, 4 babies, 3 homes, 5 moves, death of parents, weddings, funeral, vacations...all these memories are swirling around in my head. I'm so consumed by all this and just want to do what's right.....but I can't think anymore....I just want to be left alone.

I'm so consumed...and I can't seem to get my coursework done...my very last course for my Masters......

Ladies, keep pulling for me...I'm feeling so weak and tired right now....I don't know how I'm going to do this.....

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:38pm
Oh Dharma, You will pull your strength from somewhere. You have so much more than you know. Each day I would say to myself.. this is the hardest day of my life. With each hearing, each encounter with ex, struggling to find a home...but somehow I made it through. You will too. Remember, you probably never had to take any heroin addicts home and were probably not the recipient of all the pain they caused (their families were). Your husbands attempt to use your kind and generous spirit against you so he can continue hurting you is sad. The second chances you gave addicts in their treatment is a million miles from subjecting yourself and your kids to more abuse. To keep your strength up- try to rest, ask for help from friends and family, too keep yourself focused on your classes- maybe you can schedule your 'freak-out' times. I have been doing that now for a few months and it is helping me to identify my fears and focus on my work and on having fun with my kids instead of being consumed by worries and fears. Write them down and schedule a time(s) to worry about them and try to make plans to deal with them. Good luch Dharma!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:22pm

He will continue to behave like this on a daily basis until you actually do withdraw the divorce petition.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:38pm

I love you, I’m sorry, wa, wa, wa, sob, poor me, I’m suffering, why would god let me suffer, hold me, touch me, give me another chance,

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:59am
Dharma, congrats on taking that big step of filing!

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:07pm
To all who have responded~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm still struggling and having a very difficult time with all of this. I'm at one of the lowest points of my life....but I keep pushing through it somehow. Some of your response I plan to print out and read from time to time...to keep reminding myself WHY I'm doing this....as well as reading Bancrofts book.

I'll be in chat tonight.....looking for LOTS of support.

dharma

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:00pm

'and I don't think I'll recover from all of this :-( '


Dear Dharma,


You have already begun, my dear. With everything you were able to say to him so clearly, and the way you stood up to him, you are already on the road!! You were awesome, girl!


You already see clearly the way he has abused you. You have begun to stand up for yourself in the strongest of ways. Those are HUGE steps in your recovery.


Congratulations! Although I know it hurts like he!!, you are doing great.


Huge hugs,


Christine


Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi

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