Troubled

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Troubled
2
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:29am
HI everyone! Well, okay I just want to say thank you to all of you for listening to me. Just think we dont know eachother but we have a lot in common. I cant talk to my coworkers nor my family--especially my sisters about all my troubles. Last night my best friend from college stayed with me over night and I took her to the airport this morning. She asked my boyfriend if she could take me out for a few drinks for my belated bday party while I was in the bathroom. When I came out he was on my cell phone talking to one of his friends talkin about, "Come pick me up and lets go get drunk..." I asked who he was talking to and why was he talking out of it. He said just leave, go drink. I stayed but my friend and me stayed up visiting until 11 or so. He sulked and stayed in the bedroom the whole time. So I told my girlfriend everything--everything. It was such a relief....i have an ounce of confidence back and know i can do better. I just need to ease out of this...I love him very much and feel so stupid for loving an abuser. For even typing that. Geez. He has bit me on my face, slammed me around, bruised my arms, legs, face, you name it. He has jumped out of my car on numerous occasions, damaged my car, every insane thing he has done it. Im lucky in that I have no kids. My clique from college all have kids and got divorced. They used to live vicariously through me now its vice versa. I just turned 26 and now Im living through them. I have to ask to go any place, scared he'll be mad or get mad. Last night my friend and me went to the store to get soda and when i returned he grabbed my phone and started checking it....Geez....I dont know where to begin theres so much more and this morning i got the guts to email my sister across the country. I emailed her everything--im scared more of her now though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: redturtlegirl
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:47am

Red, I am so proud of you!

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: redturtlegirl
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:17pm
I couldn't agree with Gabby more. This is a HUGE POSITIVE step forward and I am ALSO very proud of you. Blue is so right about how we end up keeping this horrible secret and how it begins to alienate us from friends and family. In retrospect this is one of the most confusing parts -- just why did I stay quiet/keep the secret?? Sure a lot of things come to mind, but basically, fear was the main reason..of so many things -- that I wouldn't be believed, that he would seek revenge against me physically, financially, emotionally, etc..and, somewhere I knew, that if I spoke it aloud that it would surely be the end of my marriage. What was it I was trying to save anyway? The dream, of-course. The hope that maybe, just maybe, one-day he would suddenly realize and appreciate me for the prize I was and would be forever changed, etc.. Talk about fantasy-land. I do remember that when I finally did let the truth come spilling out (and for me, it was in a police station after I had been assaulted), it was an illuminating dose of reality. I can remember perfectly the horror on the officers face as I retold my tale. How they looked at me with remorse and pity...and as I said the words aloud it was almost as if someone was holding up a mirror in front of my face and I was really "seeing" myself for the first time. You see, it is awfully hard to repeat the events aloud without truly "hearing" how bad it really is...and, often, actually seeing the response of others helps us to realize the severity of the situation. So, honey, I commend you and I sure think you sound clearer in this post than any of the others I have read. Speaking the truth really CAN set you free...or at the very least, it sure as heck gets you firmly grounded on the path toward freedom. You do know that you will not have an easy time leaving him and I am VERY scared for how he may respond to the news. PLEASE spend some extra time planning this and PLEASE do not be alone with him when you finally do decide to make the break. He is dangerous Red...very, very dangerous. His overtly physical acts and threats of the past makes him an excellent candidate for a potential murder/suicide. I really don't mean to scare you, but people that would jump out of a moving vehicle or bite you in the face are people who have long sinced crossed the morality and rational thinking line. Be VERY, VERY careful honey. You need a plan and then a strong back-up plan. You must assure yourself safe-harbor. The next physical incident (G-d forbid there is another, but I have this little feeling...) should prompt you to immediately go to the police station and file a report for assault. This police report will be your grounds for a RO or an OP. Yes, they are just pieces of paper, but if broken they will send the abuser to jail. And, quite often this fear of the criminal justice system will urge the abuser to show more restraint and caution. In your case, it may not and you will have to use your best judgement as to how you will truly break free of him. There is much information on safety and safety planning on the homepage and I strongly urge you to read ALL of it. ~~gentle hugs sweetie...the journey begins...