Wondering the same . . .
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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:42pm |
I have wondered if in fact I have either just fallen out of love with him, or if I was ever really in love with him. Perhaps I stayed because I settled, I didn't think I could/would find anyone else so, eh - why not marry him? Then, anytime I was troubled, I just pushed it all under the rug because eventually things got better. I know in the beginning of our relationship, we would argue - don't even remember about what but we did. Well, mostly I remember it was him accusing me, or rather silently holding back that he was bothered about something that had happened that made him uncomfortable. Yes, I had to figure it out, some times, most times I would try to drag it out of him, sometimes he would say something but I think even he realized by saying the stupidness he was thinking just how stupid and far fetched it really was, so he wouldn't say it because that would be admitting how ridiculous his thoughts were. Ok, so that is emotional abuse.
Ok, I want to tell him my feelings for him have changed. I don't even want to go near the subject of any type of abuse. I want to find the strength to stand up for how I feel. Even if it isn't what he wants. What do you ladies and gents think?
I can't bring myself to just up and leave one day, even if it means we have to argue and be upset with each other for awhile, I feel like I or we must not be getting along (for lack of a better description). I guess I feel like I need to sense the discord between us, now that I have learned as much as I have about the tactics that will be attempted. No, I may not be strong enough to stand them, but I am ready to leave. I have a friend, actually 2 friends who have said they will take me in. One has offered to help me plan where I will go and what to do about my kids. I worry about how my kids will take this, but after the incident that my son had with a friend, ex-friend at school, I'm very proud of him and I think that he will understand why I must do what I am going to do.
I have made reservations for Camp Jeep in Virginia in July. I don't want him to go with me. So, I guess, even though I haven't out right admitted it, I have set a goal of doing something before then. I can't keep on keeping on like this. I want more, or at best, something different. I'll take my chances on the other side of the fence. I have to figure out how to start the ball rolling.
This won't be easy. It will be one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. I know he will be devasted. I remember how upset he was before when I tried to tell him I wasn't happy. I better prepared this time. I just have to decide to do it.
Whew - I'm really nervous. But when I tell him, if I don't like what he says or how he acts, I can leave. I have places I can go. I can tell him to stop. If he continues I can walk away, not answer, or call the police.
I'm rambling (as usual) - I feel I must do this, this is a man who sleeps in the same bed with me every night, we have sex and I don't think he realizes that I dispise have sex with him, I just do it, no emotion, but that's ok with him. I haven't said I love him in months and he hasn't said it to me either. My opinion, we are co-existing and I know that I am trying not to hurt his feelings. That is why I jump off the computer when he comes in the room. That is why I don't tell him about conversations I have at work, or on line with everyone here. My fear is not physical - it is some emotional block of mine, probably and most likely from my upbringing. My fear is of the unknown. But if I don't try, I'll never know. He is afraid of that also, but neither of us will grow by staying where we are. As much as deep down he may know that I'm not happy, our relationship is very superficial and I think that is what he is used to and ok with. Status quo. I will be rocking the boat. I must, unfortunately, be the one to start the fire - he will stay in this limbo forever. Why shouldn't he - he's got it made, dinner, sex and all the electronic toys he wants.
I've really rambled enough now. This is probably more for me than a request for replies, I have to do this. I must do this. For me.

You know, I only ever brought "abuse" up once to Nerfy, and that was when I told him I didn't have to take him verbally abusing me on the phone (he was cussing me out about a week after we separated).
CL-Blueliner4
Whether you are blowing you marriage problems out of proportion or not, you are unhappy and no one deserves to be unhappy. That's the bottom line.
When Wendell and I went to our marriage counselor I brought up the feeling that I was being abused. Instead of taking what I felt seriously, I had two idiots looking at me as if I said something in a foreign language. Neither one of them ever asked me why I felt like I was being abused! What if I would have said I have a sharp pain in my stomach, would they ask me how bad and give me suggestions to fix it? I think what I am trying to say here is if you feel it, it is real and there are remedies.
As far as trying to explain yourself to him, he won't get it anyway. You need to do what is right for you. Listen to me...how many times people told me that and I just kept on trucking trying to make things work.
Well...today it is exactly 4 months of freedom!!! Let me tell you it was a long journey, but so worth it. Something clicked in my mind this week (only took 4 months...guess that's the blonde in me). He's got problems he has to deal with and I got mine. I no longer have to focus on his and have all the time in the world to fix mine. I had spent so much time then worrying about the kids. Then I realized if he had me controlled for 27 years, can I expect anything less from the kids? Instead of trying to win his love, I had reverted those same tactics on to the kids. Needless to say, I might as well still have been married. I kept waiting for some event to happen to make it better. The cycle was continuing and I was letting it.
I guess I am trying to say you need to do what you got to do to be happy...no one but you can do that. As Starsky would say in his new movie "Do It"
Hang in there!
Terry
I wanted to say that I posted my moving on post more as a vent and a sharing to you all as opposed to a I am going back to him post. I have been really thinking about filing for divorce lately and that post was what I have been thinking when I think about filing. I just hesitate and I think I need to work through my feelings a bit more before I actually file. I love this board and it is really the only place that I can go and vent and really talk about how I feel and know I can get the support I need.
I think my hubby is alot like yours. I didnt realize it until I read an old diary that I had been keeping before I married him. But he has slowly been chipping away at me from the beginning. Not sharing himself with me and I kept hoping that he would.....for years. I was reading my diary and was just amazed at the transformation of myself over the years. How I still loved him and accepted him but was so blind to what was going on. At the beginning of my diary I had friends...friends that I dont remember now that I had...by the end(which was just weeks before we were married and I had found out I was pregnant with my son) I had written that my cat was my best friend...but I still loved my H. I had written that back then I didnt like sex with him anymore...which I dont remember really. I think that I deserve a better life and so do you. We deserve lives without control and emotional abuse. I know I deserve to be better than someones sex puppet and maid/cook. We deserve to be able to make choices on how our life goes...what path it takes.
Huge hugs to you and feel free to ramble on anytime. Goodness knows I am the queen of rambling hehe. God Bless you and take care of yourself.
Ree
strength76
Through a year of councelling I learned things that I already knew. It isn't up to us to make other people happy. It isn't our responnsibility to appease these "men". They will never ever be conpletely happy because they don't know how to and nobody but themselves will ever be able to do it.
When i told him that I was miserable and wanted out it was hard. He was hurt and I caused it however..and that is a BIG however, the pressure that was lifted from me that very second was immense. I knew that I had a long road ahead of me but I was on the road to bing free. We talked about it the next day and he had clearly been crying. I stood firm because I knew what I was doing was the right thing for me. He asked if I still loved him and I told him no. I knew it would hurt but he had to know that in order to understand some of what I was feeling.
You have friends who will take you in and that is wonderful. There will come a time in the day when the words will come out and then the ball starts rolling. My guess is that your H already suspects this Ples. Mine certainly did, he just didnt think I would ever be strong enough to do it. He was as unhappy in our marriage as I was, he was just content to live miserably ever after as long as I was there with him. His grasp on me grew tighter in a last ditch effort to keep me there. What it did was push me further away and make me see our relationship for what it was..abusive emotionally and in turn sexually. I know the dead feeling when you are intimate..it is easier to just do it then have to put up with the crap of saying no..been there done that for much much too long.
What it comes down to is YOU. The only person who will make you happy is yourself. You are a people pleaser like me, wanting everyone to be happy at the expense of your own feelings. Alot of us are. The thing I noticed was that I was miserable, and everyone in my family was somehow affected by it so in my attempt to try to make everyone happy I was doing the exact opposite because I was horribly sad and lonly..
So her ei am almost one year later..wow time has flown..I told him on April 6th and lived there until July1..I wouldnt advise that to anyone. I struggle finacially but I am happy. i am in school and am proud of myself. What I see as the biggest benefit of all of this is that my children are happy now too. It was hard telling them and they were sad for awhile but with open communication with them I am a better parent and they have settled into this new life of theirs as well.
Sorry this got so long hon.. I can talk lol. I am thinking about you and you know how to find me anytime you need to chat
love
daisy